Dale Earnhardt

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“Son, you'll always be living in my shadow”

~ Dale Earnhardt on Dale Jr.
Dale Earnhardt, demonstrating proper hitchhiking technique to a group of third graders.

Ralph Dale Earnhardt Sr. (April 29, 1951 – February 18, 2001) was the most successful secret agent ever trained by the Canadian military. Upon the end of the cold war, he decided to try his hand at automobile racing. He began his career in open cockpit formula race cars, but was not allowed to compete because his mustache interfered with the full-face helmet required to drive open cockpit cars. "Damn you sonsabitches!" he replied. "I'll go drive them redneck cars!"

It took a while for him to get use to the rigorous demands of NASCAR, but after three years he finally broke himself of the habit of turning right, and became the most successful NASCAR driver in history. He became known as "Ironhead" after he showed up at the track wearing a metallic exoskeleton which made him impervious to gunfire and gave him the ability to fly thanks to rocket boosters. Later, he became known as "The Intimidator" after he started making comments in drivers' meetings that he knew at least seventy-six ways to kill a man with his bare hands.

Before his death, he was responsible for kicking everyone's asses in NASCAR.

Early Years[edit]

Earnhardt was born in North Carolina, on the intersection of Coach and Sedan street. He grew his first mustache at the age of three and learned the dark arts of the ninja on the hard streets of South Central Hickory at the age of eight. At ten, Earnhardt was hired by a group of anti-government propagandists to assassinate the prime minister of Canada, and was captured at the Niagara border after border agents were alerted to a mustached assassin. However, he was released, and upon release, he beat seventeen border agents so severely that they were never identified. Earnhardt was later captured by the Canadian military and sentenced to death for treason and conspiracy. However, before the sentence could be enforced, Earnhardt beat the judge and several bailiffs so badly that they were never identified. After being subdued with an elephant tranquilizer, Earnhardt spent the next six years being trained to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia because of impending labor laws which would have cost the fashion industry millions.

Military Service[edit]

At age thirteen, Earnhardt was sent overseas to end the conflict in Vietnam. Upon hearing that Earnhardt was coming, US armed forces demanded to be sent home, as it was generally believed that there would be no survivors left on the continent. However, Earnhardt never made it to Vietnam because the pilot of the plane he was in looked at him funny and he beat the pilot so severely that he was never recognized. Realizing that Earnhardt was a weapon of mass destruction, the Canadians kept Earnhardt in isolation until he was deemed too dangerous to remain on Canadian soil.

Racing Career[edit]

The first time Dale Earnhardt stepped foot on a race track, he reportedly told his friends, "Look at that damn bunch of sissies. I can bet every damn one of them and I don't even need a car!" After the race started, he ran onto the track and was scored in third place when the checkered flag fell.

The very next week, Earnhardt showed up with a pink Ford and proceeded to wreck every other vehicle on the track. After being made fun of for driving a "fag car", Dale decided to race only black Chevys from that day forward.

A fan memorializes Dale's porn career.

Did he fake his death?[edit]

Some have theorized that Earnhardt faked his own death. A common theory is that his cousin Osama bin Laden extorted him into his mob buisness the day before the race, and fled to Afghanistan to start up the new al-Qaeda Airlines, while he changed his name to Mohammed Atta.

On his first day as pilot, Earnhardt hilariously crashed into the World Trade Center, killing everyone on board.


The made-for-television movie 3 was produced by ESPN to portray Earnhardt as a humble everyman whose passion for racing made him a millionaire. However, those who knew Earnhardt best called the movie a farce. A second movie, entitled Dale, was commissioned to further sell the official story. However, there are several conspiracy sites which claim that Earnhardt is deep in the caves of Afghanistan hunting Osama Bin Ladin, and will not return to the United States until Bin Ladin is dead.

The movie also features an interview with the can of beer which was present that night; the can of beer was recently inducted into the NASCAR Hall of Fame by William Shatner. In Shatner's speech, he said it was truly an honor to be a part of many of Dale's porn films.

See also[edit]