Nigel Farage
Nigel Farage LMUK MEP MP PM OBE VC WNKR is the current Lord and Master of the United Kingdom (that is, honorary perennial Chairman of the United Kingdom Independence Party), Brexit Party Reform UK. He is the best thing ever to happen to Britain. Battle of Hastings, Battle of Britain, even victory in World War II wasn't as good as this guy. He was a British Politician before he became Lord and Master. Now Farage is MP for Clapped-Out-on-Sea.
Pronuncing his name[edit]
Many assume Farage's name is French and say it in a French accent, like ni-zhel, fer-azh. In fact, this is un-British, one of the worst insults imaginable in the world ever, and just not cricket. The correct pronunciation rhymes with porridge. That sounds more English, though if in the dark side of Cincinnati, Ohio, you would refer to anyone as "Nigel" at your own risk. The pronunciation does not indicate that he is porridge (gloopy, lukewarm, and unappetising). Those characteristics are coincidental to the pronunciation of his name.
Farage is the son of Fred Farage (also known as Freddie Frinton-on-Sea) and Eva Braun.
Leader of the UKIP party[edit]
In 1966, the year he led West Germany to World Cup defeat, Farage was put in charge of the United Kingdom Indian Pariah party. This party was created by a group of American-Indian outcasts who were deported from America to the UK because the Americans couldn't be arsed to take them to Australia.
When Farage took the party over, it was in utter turmoil, but as he is the great leader he is and not a military-style dictator, he turned the party around in record time, just after the 2007 election.
Lord and Master of the United Kingdom[edit]
The results of this 2007 election were that the UKIP won 0% of the U.K. vote. Consequently, Farage marched from the Winchester pub straight down to № 9 Downing Street and demanded to meet the Prime Minister. The resident of № 9 told him to 'Sod off' and then to 'Go and become an MEP, that's more interesting'. So Farage did go and become an MEP, where he not only insulted every single representative there but threatened nuclear war against the island hosting Jurassic Park. Steven Spielberg was not impressed.
Eventually, Brussels deported Farage for being, in the words of neutral Switzerland, 'an arsehole'. On his return to the UK, Farage appealed directly to Queen Elizabeth to become Lord and Master of the United Kingdom. The Queen, known in Britain for her glamorous 'Rock and Roll' lifestyle, granted Farage his request. Her exact words on the appointment of Farage were 'Huh, Parliament are a bunch of WNKR's, so YOLO.' This caused great upset in Parliament because the Queen has no power at all plus they strongly disagreed that all of them were wankers.
The morning after he was appointed to this prestigious role, the Queen (with a massive hangover) addressed the nation from her oversized yacht, 'Queen Mary', to tell the nation that she hadn't done anything to be ashamed of the previous evening (Including the Duke of Edinburgh) and that everything she had said and done was to be undone and forgotten about. This got Farage removed from office even before he had set foot in it. His parting words were, reportedly, 'I'll be back, arseholes!' This promise has still not been fulfilled.
Recent events[edit]
In 2009, Farage's party came in second behind the Conservatives in elections for the European Parliament. Farage's new friends there propelled him to greater glory, temporarily set back when he was crunched in a plane crash whilst campaigning for a seat in parliament in 2010. Afterward, Farage had a contract with all British television stations to appear at least once a week, smirking and looking very pleased for himself.
In 2014 his party topped the poll and seat numbers in the European Parliament elections. Later that year two Conservative MPs jumped ship and were re-elected under the Colour Purple. Farage said 2015 would see him become Prime Minister.
Well, that didn't happen and all those contracts expired. From 2017 to 2020, he had a talk radio show called The Nigel Farage Show on LBC (Let's Be Conservative). By 2022, between evening performances at mega-churches in America and Australia, Farage became a presenter on the upstart GB News channel. He had a nightly program called Talking Pints with Nigel that featured chugging pints of lager, panel discussions of politics, and a title with a double meaning. Based on how such discussions turn into rants after one's first couple or three, the show was renamed Getting Pissed with Nigel.
Marriage to Kotryna Abromaitis[edit]
Outraged after many members to the general public called him a "Racist" towards the Eastern Europeans who, according to Farage, "have come to take our jobs", the great man himself boarded a flight to Lithuania (Business class of course — it was 'EU' business, so he charged it to his expenses). Upon arriving to Lithuania (which he regards as "very much a country", as opposed to Belgium) he walked around the airport for a little while, spitting upon those in the UK-bound departure gate and requesting that they "Stay in their own country, and do not take jobs in his beloved United Kingdom".
It was at his hotel that he met Miss Abromaitis, whom he spoke to at the bar. After hearing all about how Farage's country was better than her own in every single aspect, she decided that she wanted to live with him in the UK. Farage did not like this idea at first, but he decided that he would take this opportunity to have company, as otherwise, he would be forever alone, as the only people who would ever consider marrying him back in the United Kingdom had all been sectioned. Their marriage collapsed after Kotryna Abromatis saw her husband returning from the garage with a new car.
After Farage's first marriage crashed and burned, he became less adventurous, travel to Germany and marry Kirsten Mehr. Farage feels that he has done his very, very, very heavy German ancestry proud — even prouder than being a Hitler Youth in his school days.
The future belongs to me[edit]
Nigel Farage stood for Parliament in the constituency of Thanet South in the May 2015 General Election. He lost, resigned the leadership and then un-resigned. Farage looked lost, but in June 2016, Britain voted by a majority to leave the European Union. Overcome with emotion and the contents of his drinks cabinet, an emotional Nigel declared he had won and then re-resigned again as leader of the party. He would go on to resign from Parliament and then, a short time later, from Great Britain. The job of leading the party devolved to Diane James. She planned to sell the party to Theresa May to be redeveloped for housing but instead resigned. The UKIP remember the Farage era over Budweiser Light most weeknights at the Dog and Punch Up English-themed pub in Strasbourg.
Return of Farage[edit]
Farage abandoned the UKIP party in 2018 ('too many loonies even for me') and founded the Brexit Party to stick the boot into British Prime Minister Theresa May. With that done Farage's Brexiteers supported Boris Johnson by generously withdrawing candidates in favour of the Conservatives in the 2019 General election. Farage didn't stand but entertained hopes that Johnson would hand him a seat in the House of Lords or become the British ambassador for the United States. He got neither. Instead Farage 'stood back' from politics and hung around as a news presenter. In June 2024 Farage made a comeback. He removed the leader of the re-vamped Reform UK party (ex-Brexit Party) Richard Tice and stood again for a parliamentary seat.