Brexit Party
“Our success is the way we are turning anger into obnoxiousness.”
The Brexit Party was launched in April 2019 to ensure that the United Kingdom leaves the European Union swiftly, via an armada of pleasure boats from Dunkirk Beach, returning Britain to the glory days of Empire.
The party stands for a clean-break Brexit, blowing up the Channel Tunnel, scuppering ferries, and sending home anybody who does not know the words to Swing Low, Sweet Chariots. They promise Britain that there will be no more migrants, no more rabies, and no more funny cheese.
Origins[edit]
The party was created by Nigel Farage, previously the leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP). Farage had left politics in late 2018 to spend more time on Fox News as a funny English guy. However, politics came back and got him. Then London talk radio channel LBC gave him a soapbox.
The Brexit Party is a registered company with no actual members. All its policies are decided by its official owner (N.Farage, Esq.) via small donations through PayPal. However, the party also welcomes large donations, except in cases in which Farage believes it is important to keep a grudge alive. The party believes in all the same things as UKIP, but without what Farage saw as the 'baggage' of lunatic obsessives and fruitcakes. In its place, Farage is running a Chocolate Sponge of a party.
Farage not only hand-picks most Brexit Party candidates, but in the case of sitting members that the Brexit Party acquires through defecation from another party, feels free to tell certain of them they will not be welcome. Those not quite as unwelcome can sit on the "back bench," though this is turned away from the podium.
Founding documents[edit]
The Electoral Commission published the Brexit Party's constitution. It says the party seeks to "encourage those who aspire to improve their personal situation and those who seek to be self-reliant." Not only is this Thatcherite in basis, the party promises to give any adherent a Thatched hut, also a machete with which to husk any coconuts that should fall out of trees.
The Brexit Party famously does not have a manifesto but a "policy platform." It promises alms for businesses, promoting a contemporary vision of the nationalistic bric-a-brac that used to adorn kitchens and mantlepieces across Britain in the 1950s. Investment has been promised for Porcelain Rottweilers, Meghan Markle mugs, and miniature Emirates Stadium thermometers. It also promises to return Jeremy Clarkson to Top Gear and Jim Davidson’s Generation Game.
Key members[edit]
- John Longworth
The Brexit Party’s chief whip, ensuring members maintain a careful balance between hypocrisy and exceptionalist jibes. Appropriating Brussels as "the capital of a country invented by Britain" and critical of German colleagues for not speaking enough English, his accusation of European favoritism includes the hotel staff, who still don’t know his name after three years of visits on expenses.
- Ann Widdicombe
Parliament’s chronic equivalent of your racist nan, who likens Brexit to the emancipation of slaves rising up against their oppressors. She believes homosexuality is the ultimate form of physical deformity, far beyond the skills of a surgeon’s knife to correct… but nothing a few cold showers and an exorcism can’t sort out.
- Michael Heaver
The Brexit Party strategist, tirelessly searching chem-trail and flat-earth website link pages to identify clandestine EU motives. He discovered that EU leader Ursula von der Leyen was the German Defence Minister and lizard-fleshed member of the Illuminati. Heaver has placed the Brexit Party on high alert, anticipating a Panzer Division to be hiding among queuing caravans at the Cherbourg Brittany Ferries terminal any day now.
- Belinda De Lucy
Head of the “think of the children” campaign. Leaving no bunny unboiled, in preventing loss of sovereignty diluting her little girls’ crosses on the ballot paper if, for argument’s sake, they were old enough to vote. She is determined to protect families from the horror of their kids leaving home before the age of 38 to live, work and settle in one of 27 other countries.
2019 European Parliament elections[edit]
The Brexit Party received a giant push in the direction of relevance when the Conservative Party, which had in 2017 unwittingly engineered a referendum majority to pull out of the EU that none of them wanted. They dithered, hand-wrung, planned, and studied for so long that it became time to elect representatives in the European Parliament they supposedly wanted nothing to do with. The Conservatives, being the dominant national party, were the smart money to win the European vote, but the Brexit Party handed them their lunch (a pre-wrapped kit of shrimp-flavoured crisps and very curvy bananas). The vote put the Brexit Party on the map, or at least just off the southern edge of it.
The Irish situation[edit]
One of the conundrums of Brexit is that it would change the dotted line down the middle of Ireland to a darker, dashed one. If Brexit were achieved, there would be two sets of rules, one of which might be better than the other, turning into smuggling that which used to be mere home-delivery.
Farage has accepted an offer from his buddy Donald Trump to take delivery of hundreds of backstops. These chain-link barriers have proven effective at preventing the penetrations of baseballs and should likewise shield each side from unwanted merchandise that someone on the other side wants too much. With backstops all along the boundary, Ireland can continue to pretend it is a single nation whilst Ulster pretends it is British.
General Election 2019[edit]
In November 2019, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson dissolved Parliament and campaigned to guarantee leaving the European Union, 'this time, for sure!' This gave the Brexit Party's new hope of winning seats in a parliament that people actually cared about. The Brexit Party initially hoped for an electoral pact with the Tories but were rejected. In retaliation, Farage promised to run 600 candidates for the election. All Brexit Party members could apply for a £500.00 non-refundable go, and many did just that. Farage promised not to stand candidates against 28 eurosceptic MPs — except for a few the voters would actually like more if they had a Brexit Party opponent. However, Farage's shadowy backers didn't want the Brexit Party 'muddying the outcome' so in the end, they didn't stand anywhere that already had a sitting Tory MP. Result was Johnson got his majority. The Brexit Party won no seats but Farage celebrated all the same, as the general election was a big defeat for the Remain parties (except the Scottish National Party).
In January 2020, Britain legally left the European Union. It seemed Nigel Farage had triumphed. He hoped to get a job from Boris Johnson, but old personal feuds prevented that. The Brexit Party then went into limbo, as the transition rules for leaving looked a lot like staying — except that the chore of voting for the European Parliament was gone.
[edit]
2020 was the year that the Coronavirus spread across Britain. At the end of October 2020, the outbreak was stable but Johnson turned his attention from getting out of the European Union, toward reimposing measures to make it difficult for Britons to get out of their houses. Farage saw a new mission for the Brexit Party. He announced it was now to be known as Reform UK (quickly abbreviated as the 'ReFuks'). It took an anti-lockdown stance, dismissing the virus as a mild disease that a box of tissues could handle.
Future plans[edit]
If the ReFuks' campaign does not prevail, the party vows to compete next for seats in local government, starting with a by-election in Gloucester. The candidates will propose that Gloucester leave the European Union, just in case Britain at-large cannot get out.