Ross Kemp

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Ross Kemp with what is widely regarded to be his one true love, Dot Cotton, before his fiery gaze destroyed her by accident... You Slag!

Ross James Kemp (born 21 July 1964) is the world's most versatile actor and was a member of the SAS (Super Army Soldiers) as well as frontsinger of Spandau Ballet. The reason for his extremely convincing acting and other superpowers can be accredited to him being being the reincarnation of Jesus. His role to save mankind from every kind of trouble. He is also known in Britain as God, and has often thought to have been the father of Vin Diesel, and to have created Chuck Norris and Mr T as counter-balances to his son's powers, lest they go unchecked. He lives in Holland house.

Ross Kemp is still the only person ever to exist to beat chuck norris at a game of bullshit, his ability to keep the same expression is far from easy and should only be reffered to as "Godlike Properties".

Ross Kemp is also despised by many for creating the two most blaphemous words in existance.... "you slag" slag

Whilst the origins of his death are not confirmed, it is believed that he tragically drowned in Jeremy Clarkson's Renaultsport Twingo 133 in Belfast.


“Get Out, Or You'll Be Spending Next Christmas Where You Belong; In The Gutter!”

~ Ross Kemp, Outside The Queen Victoria Public House, Albert Square, Wawfudd

“Shut It, You Slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on His Biography

Not many people know that Ross Kemp wrote the screenplay for 2 girls one cup, he said "i am proud of my results" and "i did this with my dog".

Whilst many people have lamented Ross Kemp for his strongly British accent, and insanely unshiny yet somehow bald head (Kemp is said to have realised his full potential upon going bald; according to scientists, his hair had a 'weakening' effect on him, similar to the effect Kryptonite has on Superman), it is possibly these two traits that have given him his awesome powers, which led him to defeat Godzilla in 1962. Whilst it is widely believed that King Kong actually defeated him, it was actually that Hollywood edited out Ross Kemp as he was deemed too threatening for American audiences. If you listen closely to the original soundtrack, however, it is possibly to hear the words "YOU SLAG" very very quietly during the climatical fight scene between the two.

Whilst it is unknown when Ross Kemp was actually born, most scientists agree that it is likely to coincide around the time of the Big Bang, when the cosmic energy required to create him was still lying around. We're not entirely sure about his upbringing; it is most likely that he was raised by both Michael Caine and Arnold Schwarzenegger, which would explain his accent. Not content with being God already, he wiped their minds, confined them to earth and forced them to live out lives as actors playing stereotypical roles. As Ross later discovered, fate is not without a sense of irony.

Upon creating the Universe, and tired of being worshipped, God grew bored of playing the good guy and having too much hair, so he sent his one and only son to kick ass. However, when Jesus turned out to just be a doo-gooder, God snitched on him to the Romans and sent himself, in the form of Ross Kemp instead. To disguise this fact, however, he lost all of his hair, and made his face slightly more round, so that nobody would recognize him as he wished to remain anonymous. This plan was foiled when he broke down the Berlin Wall, invaded half of Russia, killed more than two-thirds of the Red Army, and saved 59,349 innocent civilians from a nuclear attack, after which people began to grow suspicious. In a quick thinking life-saver, Ross made sure that the news footage of him was shown on ITV under the name Ultimate Force, so that people were tricked into believing it was a TV show.

Later on in life, Ross Kemp was once considered to be the frontrunner for the Democrat presidential nominee. Considering that Ross Kemp had no intention of running for President, that he is not a US national and that his name was not mentioned once by the media during the Invisible Primaries, this is pretty impressive. Ross Kemp later denied ever being a democrat at all, as he's not even left wing. In fact, Ross Kemp is extremely right-wing. So right-wing in fact that he's off the ideological spectrum, and believes in equality for everybody based on the fact that the Jewish are whining gits, and some people are gay, and in a controlled state economy based on the belief that the free market works best. He also believes in higher taxes so that public spending can be cut. He has called [[Aug usto Pinochet]] a "pinko slag" and Adolf Hitler "that liberal slag".

Ross Kemp is very well known for his huge penis worldwide. Some say it is 50 inches and some say it's 500 but recent scientist's have proven it is infact 5000 inches. He has used it for many good encounters and everyone has been pleased with the results. He will live on and continue to please the female population.

Ross Kemp once saved a women from being raped by a wild pack of chimps. Ross went on to beat them with his 5000 inch penis before drinking a cool cup of hot eel cum. This then went on to become one of his greatest stories, going down in history for many hours.

It is now widely accepted that Sir Ross Kemp is not only the richest man in Britain but also the World. He claims that his time acting in ITV's hit show Ultimate Force earned him "a pretty penny." Sir Kemp has revealed that with his vast oceans of cash, he will construct the largest golden statue of himself to date.


The last time Ross Kemp masturbated.

Ross Kemp has often been blamed for the tragic events that occurred in Hiroshima in 1945, when the U.S government was able to steal two individual atoms of Ross Kemp, and then rubbed them together, which generated enough awesome cosmic energy to wipe Hiroshima off the map.

Ross Kemp vehomently denies ever taking part in this, saying "I have never been an angry bald nuclear explosion, so shut it you slag!"

Hiroshima was later proven to indeed be the work of Ross Kemp when it was revealed that he had once masturbated 65,000,000 years ago, coincidently the same time that the Dinosaurs were wiped out.


  • Bulletproof
  • Immense cooking skills
  • Skin
  • Ability to keep a straight face no matter what
  • Uncontrollable rage

All be it not a super power ross kemp has the ability to scare homosexuals straight.


“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on every film that he's never been in

The following is a list of documentaries have been made about Ross Kemp, each one portraying a different aspect of his life, and showing that he truly is the most versatile actor in the world.

  • Eastenders (1990-1999, 2005) - An Angry Bald Brother
  • Paddington Green (1998) - An Angry Bald Narrator
  • Ross Kemp Alive in Alaska (1999) - An Angry Bald Ross Kemp
  • A Christmas Carol (2000) - An Angry Bald Scrooge
  • The Crooked Man (2003) - An Angry Bald MI5 Photographer
  • Spartacus (2004) - An Angry Bald Cinna
  • Extras (2005) - An Angry Bald Wimp
  • Ultimate Force (2003-2006) - An Angry Bald Army Officer
  • Elizabeth - The Queen Mother (2006) - An Angry Bald Queen Mother
  • Khrushchev - The Motion Picture (2006) - An Angry Bald Khrushchev
  • Da Vinci Code (2006) - An Angry Bald Jesus
  • Harry Potter and the Silent Slag (tbc) (2007) - An Angry Bald Harry Potter

Little known Facts about Ross Kemp

  • Ross Kemp tears smell of Steel and can be used to cure wounded dogs
  • Ross Kemp has telepathic communication with all inhabitants of the animal kingdom
  • Ross Kemp has never lost a bet he makes the odds and lady luck doesn't have enough bottle to challenge him
  • Ross Kemp was once wanking and he accidentally cured cancer
  • Ross Kemp once sailed round the world by himself but he didn't cry like Ellen Macarther it was easy for him
  • Ross Kemp farts nuclear weapons he uses to defend his sovereign state
  • Ross Kemp has his own magnetic field which keeps the entire solar system in balance
  • Ross Kemp invented sex
  • Ross Kemp lost his hair in an unfortunate kitchen fire.
  • Ross kemp once broke both of his legs after falling off the eiffel tower but because he is so hard he continued to walk to the hospital FACT!
  • Ross Kemp once disguised himself as a small office chair and infiltrated the taliban
  • Ross Kemp refuses to acknowledge the colour pink he says its a very very very light red
  • Ross Kemp invented Spain and even has a patent for it
  • Ross Kemp once headbutted a horse.
  • Ross Kemp is not a slag.
  • Ross Kemp was once arrested for breaking the law. More specifically the laws of physics, when he ran faster than the speed of light.
  • Ross Kemp is bulletproof.
  • Ross Kemp created the world in 6 days.
  • Ross Kemp did have sexual relations with that woman.
  • Ross Kemp does not hold his breath underwater, the water breathes for him.
  • Ross Kemp single handedly overthrough the taliban.
  • Ross Kemp can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Ross Kemp eats concrete for breakfast. He prefers to have Green Berets as a mid-morning snack.
  • Ross Kemp was once credited with creating the Vin Diesel random fact generator. This was however shown to be untrue when Ross Kemp was quoted as saying "No, I did not create the Vin Diesel random fact generator, you slag."
  • All of Ross Kemps scenes in Ultimate Force have to be shown in Bullet Time, so that the viewers can actually tell what is going on.
  • Similarly, Ross Kemp is often given a sidelining role, or hardly seen throughout many episodes, as viewers complained that the terrorists were killed too quickly.
  • Ultimate Force episodes were also padded out by inserting Ross Kemp giving a witty anecdote or a wise cracking quote every few seconds, however, this was found not to be overly popular when viewers complained that half the show had now become Ross Kemp talking.
  • Ross Kemp has only one weakness; Queen Elizabeth II. It is often rumoured his desire for her is what forced God to become so human in the first place.... or some crap like that.
  • Ross Kemp had planning permission for his 900 foot papier mache statue of Doug Henning turned down by the London Borough of Barnet last year.
  • the only way to defeat Ross Kemp is to remove his eyebrows; remove just one and you impair his acting
  • Ross Kemp occasionally acts out his famous "Tiffany falling down the stairs" scene from Eastenders at home. With his pets.
  • Ross Kemp was created by God as the reincarnation of Jesus. Only better...
  • Ross Kemp moved from the BBC to ITV for a reported £100.
  • He lost an arm in Korea
  • Ross Kemp once strangled a rhinoceros with his penis
  • Ross Kemp is so jealous of the current Eastenders cast, he is stalking the set of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps in a bid to play Will Mellor's son.


Here are a couple of interesting and intellectual quotes which accurately convery the wisdom and intelligence of Ross Kemp.

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Oscar Wilde

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Vin Diesel

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Terrorists

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Hitler

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Ross Kemp

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Tony Blair

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Chuck Norris

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Tom Cruise

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Gay People

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Straight People

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Democrats

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Republicans

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Osama Bin Laden

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Barney the Dinosaur

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Sgt. Johnson

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on The Republic of China

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Your Mother

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on The Universe

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Steve McFadden (also from Eastenders)

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on spenny

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Peggy Mitchell

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Daniel Blakeley

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Pete Vivers

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Ryan Rowbotham

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Boris Johnson

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Swine Flu

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Slags

Ross Kemp the poet

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Thomas Hardy

Contary to most peoples beliefs, which see Ross Kemp as just an actor, albeit a remarkably versatile one, Ross Kemp has been writing poetry for many years now, and has been remarked as one of the great literary composers of our century, alongside Carol Ann Duffy and Winnie the Pooh. His most famous poetic verses include 'Shut it you Slag' and 'Sonnet of Slags'.

  • Shut it you Slag.(1992)

"Shut it, you slag!"

  • Slaggerwocky (1899)

'Twas brillig, and the slaggish toves Did gyre and gimble in the bag; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths out you slag.

"Beware the Slaggerwock, you slag! The jaws that bitch, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and flag The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal pencil in hand: Long time the manxome foe he sought -- So rested he by the Tumtum tree. And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood, The Slaggerwock, with eyes of flame, Came wiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Slaggerwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! frabjous day! Callooh! You're Gay!!" He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the bag; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths out you slag!.

  • Sonnet of Slags. (1754)

My dear fair Maria, love finds me oh so sweet,

My love for you my dear, I always must brag,

However, I found, that with Phil you did cheat,

so now I must say, Shut it you Slag!

I can't believe I trusted you, after you said,

the reason you were tired, was cause of Jet Lag,

I feel so betrayed, and now I must dread,

that all I can say is "Shut it, you slag!"

I used to adore you, but now I don't know,

now that Phil told me, you two had a shag,

such news came to me, as a heavy blow,

now all I can say is "Shut it, you slag!""


Following the phenomenal success of Ross Kemp on Gangs, Sky announced the following one-off specials to be aired sometime whenever they have a hole in their schedule:

  • Ross Kemp Around Gangs
  • Ross Kemp on...and in...Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Above Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Surrounding Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Below Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Behind Gangs
  • Ross Kemp In Front Of Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Parallel To Gangs
  • Ross Kemp Gang Banging Gangs
  • Ross Kemp inside gangs
  • Ross Kemp and the Sugarhill Gang
  • Ross Kemp, the one man gang
  • Ross Kemp gets gang raped (in talks hopefully)
  • Ross Kemp and the Diciples
  • Ross Kemp and the slag gang
  • Ross Kemp in the area where gangs used to be
  • Ross Kemp and the invisible gang
  • Ross Kemp on Al-Qaeda

His great friend Saeed Agboke is known as the black Ross Kemp!

The show was also spawned several other spin-offs that have nothing to do with gangs. These include:

  • Ross Kemp On Drugs - Kemp sees what it feels like when one takes drugs.
  • Ross Kemp On Public Transport - Kemp sees how shite British public transport is.
  • Ross Kemp On The Tube - Same as the above, just on the Tube.
  • Ross Kemp On The Sofa - Kemp in DFS testing some of their sofas.
  • Ross Kemp On A Laptop Computer - Kemp sees what he can do on his new laptop computer.
  • Ross Kemp On A Woman - Kemp looks at the beauty that is the female body.
  • Ross Kemp On EastEnders - Kemp makes yet another return to the popular British soap.
  • Ross Kemp On Your Sky+ Planner - Kemp makes sure that everyone has his shows on their Sky+ Planner. Anyone that doesn't is a slag!
  • Ross Kemp On A Washing Machine - Kemp sits on a washing machine to see if you really can get turned on.
  • Ross Kemp On A Ladder Peering In Your Bedroom Window - Kemp watches you while you are asleep and while you get changed.
  • Ross Kemp On The Toilet - Kemp goes to evacuate his bathroom before a explosion takes place.
  • Ross Kemp On A Failed Marriage - Kemp talks about the problems of a failed marriage something he knows only too much about.
  • Ross Kemp On A Treadmill - Kemp keeps as fit as the soldiers he is on patrol with by running on a treadmill.
  • Ross Kemp On Singstar - Kemp shows deprived kids the joys of being able to play Singstar.
  • Ross Kemp On RyanAir - Kemp shows us how bad the service really is on this low budget airline.
  • Ross Kemp On Hollyoaks - Kemp drops in (litterally by parachute) to film a cameo for the Chester based soap, much to the annoyance of Barbara Windsor.
  • Ross Kemp On Why I Can't Stop Making Documentaries - Kemp tells us how he became addicted to making documentaries and why this trend will never stop.
  • Ross Kemp On Sky1 - Kemp's documentary about his documentaries being on Sky1.
  • Ross Kemp On Sky1 HD - Kemp shows us how his documentary footage is better when viewed in fantastic HD.
  • Ross Kemp On The Traditional British Pub - Kemp tackles the problem that is the closure of small local pubs. Can one man keep them all open?
  • Ross Kemp On A Slag - Kemp takes a look at the inner workings of the Republic Steel Mills in Youngstown to see how slag run-off effects safety and the health of the workers.
  • Ross Kemp On Slags - Kemp takes a look at casual sex and goes so far as to try and bring down an American Prostitution Racket.
  • Ross Kemp On The Beach - Like "T4 On The Beach" only with Ross Kemp.
  • Ross Kemp On Chavs, Goths, Emos, Teenage Tear-Aways, Single Mothers/Fathers, Underage Sex, Religion & Science - As the title would suggest!
  • Ross Kemp On The Rocks - Kemp suffers from a shortage of ideas to make more documentaries.
  • Ross Kemp On Why Sam Mitchell's Return To EastEnders Has Been So Crap - Kemp tells us his thoughts on why the return of his onscreen sister on the soap EastEnders has been one massive let down.

"Ross Kemp In Afganistan" has also spawned several spin-offs. These include:

  • Ross Kemp In Travelodge - Kemp checks in to see if conditions really are as bad as people claim.
  • Ross Kemp In EastEnders - Kemp makes another return to the popular east end British soap.
  • Ross Kemp In 'Ya Mum - Sexually explicit conetent.
  • Ross Kemp In KFC - Kemp gets hungry during filming and orders a KFC.
  • Ross Kemp In A Gay Bar - Kemp pretends he is gay for one evening.
  • Ross Kemp In A Cave - Kemp sees what it would be like if he went into hiding like Bin Ladin.
  • Ross Kemp In Your Bedroom - Kemp sneeks into your room at night.
  • Ross Kemp In A Boat - Kemp goes for a ride in a boat, with a lifevest on - what a woman!
  • Ross Kemp In A Washing Machine - Ross Kemp checks to see if it is physically possible for someone to get into a washing machine while it is on cycle.
  • Ross Kemp In A Porn Film - As the title suggests.
  • Ross Kemp In A Fast Car - Kemp goes all Top gear on us!
  • Ross Kemp In Sky Magazine - Kemp sees how much coverage he gets in the Sky Magazine.
  • Ross Kemp In The Shower - Kemp takes a nice cold shower after running around with all the soldiers and carrying shed loads of equipment and getting really hot and sweaty.
  • Ross Kemp In A 2-Star Hotel Kemp checks out how bad conditions are in a 2-star hotel.
  • Ross Kemp In A 3-Star Hotel Kemp is upgraded to a 3-star hotel to check on how bad the conditions are.
  • Ross Kemp In A 4-Star Hotel Kemp does the above in a 4-star hotel.
  • Ross Kemp In A 5-Star Hotel Kemp does the above in a 5-star hotel.
  • Ross Kemp In A 6-Star Hotel Kemp finally settles down in the luxury of a 6-star hotel.
  • Ross Kemp In-side Out - Kemp goes for a health check at his local doctors.
  • Ross Kemp In A Cardboard Box - Kemp sees if it is possible to use a cardboard box as cover when on a mission in the desert.
  • Ross Kemp In Walmart - Kemp goes undercover as he attempts to take down the massive american company for its role in the gun trade.
  • Ross Kemp In The Algarve - Kemp's camera crew follow him around on holiday getting up close and personal to the action.
  • Ross Kemp In Disguise - Kemp sees how many disguises he can wear before the public realise it is him.
  • Ross Kemp In The WestEnd - Kemp gets lost in the WestEnd of London and has to ask for directions back to the Queen Vic.
  • Ross Kemp In Bed - Kemp is knackered after filming all these spin-offs so he settles down between the sheets of his bed.

Non-Related Spin-offs

Documentaries made by Ross Kemp that do not feature in the "In" or "On" francises. Some of them you may reconise:

  • Ross Kemp In The City - Kemp moves to the city but has to put up with the difficulties of finding work, sex and love...
  • Ross Kemp Does Dallas - Ross Kemp steps out of the shower and the rest speaks for itself...
  • Ross Kemp's A-Team - If you have a problem and the police won't help, and you can find them. Maybe you can hire Kemp's A-Team! Kemp helps deliver justice.
  • Ross Kemp Pushing Daisies - Kemp sees if it is possible to fake your death in a canoeing accident and then get your own life insurance. Co-starring Anna Friel as Kemp's on-screen wife.
  • Stictly Come Ross Kemp - Ross Kemp dances around with a Russian dancer slag who he is not having an affair with. Top class Saturday night BBC reality show.
  • Ross Kemp's Big Brother - Kemp discovers he has a long lost brother and meets him for the first time when he goes to stay at his Big Brother('s) House.
  • Ross Kemp's House Party - Kemp holds an open house party. Guests include a giant pink and spotty figure...thats right its Steve McFadden! Kemp's onscreen brother.
  • The Ross Kemp Show - A brand new channel four sketch show that features Ross Kemp in every sketch and features far too many slag jokes...
  • Everybody Loves Ross Kemp - Sitcom about Kemp and his family life. usually shown on channel four very early during the weekdays.
  • Ross Kemp's Prison Break - After being locked away for a crime he did not commit Kemp is broken out of a HM Prison by Wentworth Miller.
  • Only Ross & Kemp - An EastEnders spin-off which sees Kemp and his family move out of Walford and into a tower block where Kemp tries to make a living selling hookey gear.
  • The Green, Green Kemp - Kemp is a private detective that lives in a rural village where he tries to stop crimes such as cattle rusting using army style face paint to stay hidden undercover.
  • Friday Night With Ross Kemp - Kemp's friday night BBC chatshow. Common guests include Jonathan Ross.
  • Come Dine With Ross Kemp - Kemp hosts a dinner party for four actors from other soaps.
  • Extreme Makeover: Ross Kemp Edition - Ross Kemp uses make -up guns (literal guns) to give women make-overs.
  • Kemp And Queens - Sitcom based around Kemp as a delivery man who shares a house with loads of women.
  • Ross Kemp's Got Talent - ITV talent show in which Ross Kemp proves to the British public that he can do more than act in a depressing east end soap.
  • Ross Kemp's Next Top Model - Ross Kemp tries to find a suitable body double for him for the wide shots in his documentaries and for calendar shoots.
  • Ross Kemp's Big Ideas - Three-part miniseries where Ross Kemp tries to see if there is any way he can bring his child-like beliefs to life.
  • Fawlty Kemp - Kemp as a hotel manager suffering from depression.
  • Who Wants To Be Ross Kemp - ITV game show where contestents answer a chain of 15 correct answers to win the title of Ross Kemp.
  • Kemp Rider - Remake of the popular 1980's series which sees a young male drive a Ford Mustang with the voice of Ross Kemp.