South Shields
| Where poverty is its own reward™ | |
 Balmy Sandhaven Beach in July | |
Previous name(s) |
Sou Shilz (to 160 CE), Arbeia (to 411 CE), Caer Urfa (to 1966) |
|---|---|
| Nicknames(s) | The City That Tim Forgot, Haddaway Toon |
| Administrative status | |
| Nation | Engalund |
| Region | Tyne and Wear |
| Language | Geordienese |
| Statistics | |
| Population | 76,431 |
| World rank | 14,371st (27th coldest) |
| Founded | 12,321 BCE, by pirates of Penzance |
| Features | Mentioned in We're the Kids of Tyne and Wear by the Toy Dolls; likes Tudas which don't exist anymore |
South Shields is a small town located near to Newcastle Upon Tyne and Sunderland. As a result of living between two infested cities, it is a place where very few people enter and even fewer leave. Local hobbies include robbery, binge-drinking and animal-baiting.
Places to visit[edit]
South Shields is famous for its market, where customers can purchase anything from copied DVDs, knocked-off tellies, broken biscuits, almost-exact replicas of Geordie Jeans clothing lines, anything left behind in dead people's houses and even passports. I once bought my grandmother there. The market is the towns largest employer. With very little education required to man the stalls, it is a great opportunity for the town's natives to gain employment. Gandhi agrees.
It is thought that South Shields Market is the only place in Britain that dog's teeth are still legal tender. Pop star Simon Le Bon from death-metal group Duran Duran said he will kill anyone if they take his dog's teeth. The average dog's mouth has 44 teeth. There are usually 22 on the top and 22 on the bottom. These teeth are divided into 8 upper and 6 lower incisors, 4 canines, 16 premolars, and 4 upper and 6 lower molars. This amount would be a canny little sum in Shields, more than enough to buy a copy of the NME to wipe your ass with and some stones to drink.
Addtionally, the local bus services provide a sightseeing tour of the town. Attractions en route include a 12-foot bunny rabbit[1], drug crime, a banana[2] shop and the Twilight Zone. It is recommended to partake a journey on the E1 bus, which will yield fine views of the coastline, Horsely Hill, Harton and Highfield Road. The last is where the Fountain is. Make sure you get a table nearest the door as their Flaming Grill has been known to get out of hand at times.
South Shields is also famous for its fair. Well, it's not really famous for it, in fact the town's not really famous for anything, the whole place is a complete irrelevance to be honest. But some people are aware of there being a fair in Shields. Popular attractions at the fair include the Dancing Bears and the Fight to the Death for the Under 12s. Other attractions include a bus, a sandwich machine and the infamous Brian Blessed Ghost Train. This attraction consists of a 2-seater car turning and speeding through a dark maze where Brian Blessed, dressed in his Flash Gordon outfit, awaits to end your days. This ride has drawn criticism since recently Bri took the day off and punters were left disappointed when he was replaced by Ralph Nader dressed as Caligula.
Many locals travel to Boldon Asda as a holiday. On Christmas eve, millions flock there on account of it closing for one day on Christmas, as they worry they will suffer from withdrawal effects from not having cheap energy drinks for a day or two.
History[edit]
South Shields was founded by pirates, but then raided by gypsies in 98 CE.
During the English Civil War South Shields remained impartial, because nobody was that arsed about it. King Rob did not see the town as being worthy to save. Contemporary historians claim that King Rob wasn't real and as such, pointless to this webpage.
The town was once ruled by Patrick Stewart who gave up his throne to wed Bette Middler the Queen of rival town (and equally gloomy) Jarrow. War erupted in the town and this continued for many years. As a result, all transactions in the town are through means of violence. Patrick Stewart first came to power during civil unrest when the current ruler David Schwimmer was tried for keeping a lemur in his wardrobe to kick for fun. Stewart rounded up some local peasants and formed a group to ignore Schwimmer to death, the Always Ignore David Schwimmer (A.I.D.S.) Committee was dissolved in 1510 when locals realised that the idea was stupid. Cher once visited the town, inducing a ten-year coma in most of the population.[3]
It is said that Philip Schofield and his mighty Bananarama army, for a short period of time, conquered the town in the mid-17th century. He attempted to forge his own colonial empire, enslaving Jean the Geordie, founder of Geordie Jeans (a statue of which exists outside of Morrisons, formerly Arsedar) and locking her mercilessly in Shields Museum, where she died a most horrid death of boredom. To this day, anyone else who goes inside the museum will suffer a similar fate.
More recently, the town has become known for its banana shoe sales. Tourists flock in their dozens to buy shoes which have cleverly been smothered in banana. Local shopkeep King Tim Healy found that this practice was both practical and offered a tasty treat to pigeon-owners who take their pets for walks. Healy once commented; 'Aw, 'ey, Oz man, stop winding us man and get this fruit-flavoured stiletto down ya neck, man, y'kna'.
In 2008 record crowds of many watched intensely as retired Formula 1 driver David Coulthard set a record time of 15.67 seconds around the go-kart track at the fair. Spectators watched in awe as Coulthard sped round the track beating the previous record held by Steven from Marsden, whose respectable time of 16.78 seconds was crushed by Coulthard. Steven later commented to Shields' Gazette that 'David Coulthard is a bell end and he has a square head'. Although much controversy came from this comment, Steven is still held in high esteem around and about Prince Edward Road.
The Day of the Greggs[edit]
Greggs (the bakers) gained power during South Shield's period of crisis after World War I, exploiting effective propaganda and charismatic oratory of baked goods to gain popularity. The Party emphasized nationalism, cheap savoury produce, antisemitism and anti-communism, and forcefed many of its opponents. After the restructuring of the local economy and the rearmament of the local police forces, a dictatorship (commonly characterized as totalitarian or fascism of the highest local baker goods) was established by Greggs.
The Day Of The Greggs is a commonly used name in English sources for several large operations by Greggs (the bakers) and its allies (fat folks) and local police forces conducted with the purpose of possession of the city of South Shields, which took place in 1989. The events of this day were recently portrayed in a film starring Kirsten Dunst and Donald Duck, and directed by that gobsite Joel Schumacher.
More recently, a group of rebels, under the banner of Peters the Bakers tried to take back control. Greggs and Peters then went into a nationwide civil war and killed many thousands of pasties. The pastry population was rapidly decreasing. Ultimately, the rebels were crushed.
The results of these operations are often cited as the turning point in South Shields culture and was one of the the bloodiest battles in human (and crab) history, with combined casualties reaching epic numbers. The battle was marked by brutality, steakbakes, iced splits and disregard for military and civilian casualties by both sides. The Greggs offensive to take South Shields, the battle inside the town, and the local counter-offensive which eventually trapped and destroyed the rebels was the largest defeat in military history.
To this day, all local politics and economics in the town is determined by Greggs. Like Austria to Germany in World War II, Jarrow simply agreed to follow South Shields' lead and become Greggs-controlled. Whilst this does create major social and cultural problems, you can't beat those jam doughnuts and stotties.
Famous historical figures born in South Shields include: Paddy Casey, Cleopatra, Hitler, Gandalf the Gray and Jimmy Saville.
Geography[edit]
South Shields is situated in a peninsula setting, where the River Tyne meets the North Sea. It has six miles of coastline, smothered beautifully with used needles, and three miles of river frontage, dominated by the massive statue of Scrooge McDuck, a gift given to the town in 1941 by Hitler to remind them that they'll always be poor. The statue is best viewed from the Lawe Top, which also houses two replicas of Zippy & George, from the children's TV show Rainbow.
The town has extensive beaches including sand dunes populated by pædophiles and crabs, which cover three miles of this coastline and are a Bob Saget protected area. Marsden Bay, named after local witch-hunter Carlton Palmer, with its famous rock shaped like a rock from the perspective of a rock, is one of the largest seabird colonies in Britain. This makes the site great for target practice.[4]
Local media[edit]
The town is served by the popular Shields Gazette, which is now 100% cat free. It is thought that the Gazette actually predates the town. It was established by a bunch of satirical journalists from the Sunderland Echo (pronaunced Sun'lun Ecka) who thought it would be funny to write stories about a mythical shanty town named South Shields (in reference to nearby North Shields). Not seeing the joke, a number of Neanderthals from Newcastle headed for the area now known as South Shields to found their paradise based on the stories of riches seen in the Shields Gazette.
Since being published the Gazette has reported on the latest news from the market, the goings on 'up street' on a Saturday night, as well as the town's professional bowling team The Shields Mongrels.
In 1998 a new editor, a bright young man who recently graduated from Brinky High with 3 GCSEs, made the brave decision to introduce words to the publication. However, this was dropped in 2000.
Recent poor sales have seen the Shields Gazette make numerous attempts to sell more copies. Recent promotions include competitions to:
- Have your cat choked by Hulk Hogan.
- Smash Neil Buchanan's face in with 5 of your friends.
- Win £500 worth of banana shoes. (see above)
- Free ice for life with a bucket, rubber dinghy and map of Antarctica.
- Pull Ricky Gervais's feet.
Traditional events[edit]
Since the persecution of badgers in 1408, South Shields has become famous (in South Shields) for a number of local traditions:
The Day Of The Badger - For one day each year, usually in the fall (or autumn as the Brits call it), the town experiences The Day Of The Badger. For 24 hours, the townsfolk are permitted to dress and behave like badgers. Killing real badgers is still prohibited unless serenaded prior, but killing tools which are legally permitted include thumbs, forks, Derek Acorah dolls, and signed photos of Rupert Murdoch. Whilst a fun time is had by all, the event has drawn criticisms. The national newspaper The Clap commented 'Sure it's fun, but when you go in for a hysterorectomy and your GP is crawling around dressed as badger, making growling noises and skipping around with a scalpel in his mouth, you begin to think otherwise'.
Employment Day - For a laugh, the locals pretend to have jobs. Jobs include eating letters, bramble picking and gluing together broken bottles to re-smash over 'dafties 'eed'. Spandau Ballet provide the official anthem for this event.
Friendship Hour - Introduced by the (UKIP) United Kingdom Idiot Party, the town practices an hour of being civil. This prohibits knuckle-dusting, spitting, staring with an intent to fight, chicken-loving and general nastiness. In theory it should last an hour, but due to the awesome presence of Ghandi encouraging hatred, this practice usually fails after 15 minutes or whenever the chippy queue dies down.
Marine Celebration Day - Introduced for the summer of 2008, Marine Celebration Day is sponsored by the European Union to bring out social cohesion and teamwork. As local reports understand it, this day will consist of fish-related events. One plan, announced by Councillor Gary Coleman will be smearing the local market tables and footpaths with (fresh) dead fish. Locals are then encouraged to beat and smash up said fish with clubs, hammers and bats. Local activists are worried that the splattering of cod and lemon sole could lead to local people swallowing fish juice, which could be lethal should the fish carry HIV. I don't know if they do or not, I'm not an expert.
Summer Festival - Formerly named the Catherine Cookson Festival, after some mad old woman who'd make piss-shit TV dramas about stupid people in the olden days, the festival boasts one of the best line-ups your hearing-impaired mad aunt will ever hear. Recent acts have included Jason Donovan, Boney M and Yakulz, a trained-Russian rapist-magician (great fun this guy, though my wife disagrees). Tickets are never sold, simply because people can't afford them. Instead, locals show up, get wrecked and jeer the fact they're a summer closer to the end. Megadeth are set to perform this year, supporting Rick Astley on a bill that also includes Stalin.
Cultural practices[edit]
The folk of South Shields employ a number of localised cultural practices. These practices range from the downright stupid to the categorically stupid.
Youngsters - Youngsters are actively encouraged to make the most of their lives. God knows the current adult population didn't. Children under the age of 25 are encouraged to beg, deceive and cause a general disturbance. This includes hanging around local metro stations, attempting to imitate passer-bys by making dolphin noises, stamping on pasties and trying to force wild bears into urine-stenched elevators.
Animals - Pets are adored by the locals. Like an angry farmer from Ukraine, they place all their hopes and fears onto the animals which they keep contained within their dwellings. Animals are made to wear gold ear-rings, smoke and dance around on Saturday night to Tom Jones cassette tapes on old carpets whilst their owners chant 'Oh what joy, oh what fun'. Careful mind, get your drink spiked and you may try to pull Aunt Jess's Alsatian.
Screaming - Great fun, this one. Locals walk up behind mentally ill people and scream as loudly as possible. The fright can induce psychological problems and is a jolly good laugh whilst you're waiting for your Greggs sausage roll to cool down.
Jimmy Winkle - A game where locals pee in elevators, scoring points for stench, quantity and angle. Local metro stations provide forums for main event competitions.
Greaseboxing - The youth of South Shields enjoy this practice more than the old folks. This nightly event involves trying to ram-raid as much crap, used tissues, old newspapers, kebab and dead pets through letter boxes of strangers. Doors with shattered/sellotaped-up glass are preferred and this practice usually ends in a slut coming to the door in her underwear, screaming with a cigarette, threatening for her lad to kick the offenders head in.
Language[edit]
The local homies have their own set of phrases, words and metaphors. Some are here for your pleasure:
"Giz a tab" - Local folk greet each other with this phrase
"'Ere" - Hello you
"Chaffinch" - Excuse me sir, you are sitting on my chaffinch. Desist!
"JFK" - This movie is political, but very well shot!
"Get down t'coalmine" - Go back to where you came
"Fern Britton" - Armageddon/disaster/hell
"Ganning doon street" - spending then evening in the town centre
"Shockin'" - a grossly unfair matter
"Choccy licky" - quite nice, tasty
"Tattva" - the inconceivable simultaneous difference and non-difference of reality
"Shuddup" - (can't you figure that out?!)
"Skiddlybop" - Not a phrase. Feel free to smack whoever says this to you.
"Skiddlybop-cha!" - Again, not a phrase. Feel free to smack whoever says this to you... again
"Chop" - a can of drink
"Smack-butty" - a chip butty injected with smack
"Strites" - i agree or also wow i didn't know that
"Radgie" - an unsavoury character with a violent nature
"charver" - what the southerners call 'chavs' or scottish call 'neds'
"Smack Rat" - a weasel type lower class of charver
"Hew Ye!" - You there! look here!
Politics[edit]
South Shields has always been a Labour town. The people of Shields just love voting Labour, regardless of whatever happens. This is why since 1800 the people have continued to elect a mad goat since nobody else will stand. The local political blokey has been quoted as saying;
"A pity da fool 'goat, am gonna get mad now, get mad ya hear, and smash it's teef in for da peeps of Shields. CAN YOU DIG IT?!"
One of the problems of the town is that voting is illegal. Sir Roger Moore destroyed the ballot boxes during the invasion of the baboon-fetish-union in 1972. Some people think this is silly, but everybody knows baboons are hot.
Religion[edit]
The people of Shields do not have a religion. If you were born there, would you believe in God?
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ as opposed to a bunny with 12 feet
- ↑ Banana is the common name for a fruit and also the herbaceous plants of the genus Musa which produce the commonly eaten fruit. They are native to the tropical region of Southeast Asia and Australia. Today, they are cultivated throughout the tropics. Shields bananas however, are fag ends and bandages wrapped up in a painted paper-mache, disguised to look like a really banana
- ↑ much like for the town of Brigadoon, also a stop on her "I'm Almost a Baritone" tour
- ↑ damned flying vermin