Crab
Crabs are pubic crustaceans that infest the junk in one's proverbial "trunk". Crabs have other colloquial monikers, such as "crotch crickets," "muff berries," and "a free souvenir from Tijuana." When retained, crabs are generally considered to be "unfavorable."
Self-diagnostic guide: "Do you note an abundance of small arthropods in crucifix-like repose, nestled within the pubic sanctuary, heads buried as if in prayer? If so, you have joined Heaven and Hell together."
Creation Theories[edit]
Intelligent Design: Book of Genesis[edit]
Christians suggest that crabs have been around nearly since the dawn of man. Their origin can be traced directly through to an incident involving Adam and Eve. In the Biblical book of Genesis, Adam was given the duty of naming all other living creatures. At this time though, crabs did not exist. Around the time mankind was forever kicked out of heaven, God, out of pure Satanism, created a creature to attack mankind's temptation of lust, hence the first crab was born. Christians base this on absolutely nothing. Flip them over and attack their weak point for massive damage!
Evolution[edit]
Proponents of evolution suggest that crabs are an evolutionary offshoot of diverse elements such as spiders and fish. To this day however, scientists are baffled as to how these two species crossbred to create such ugly animals. Current theories are based on the three-bag solution, which is often useful when beer goggles have failed. Crabs have also evolved be growing pincers to help them rape and seduce other specious so they give birth mishaps and cross breeds such as Silvester Stalon, Mr T, Ozzy Osbourn and Justin Bieber.
Intelligent Design vs. Evolution[edit]
Proponents of the Intelligent Design theory dislike crabs intensely, as quite simply, it pokes gigantic holes in their entire school of thought. The concept of an intelligent being designing something as ugly and useless as a crab is frankly ridiculous (the same reasoning fails to explain why Cher was ever born). This makes I.D. advocates something of a laughingstock at parties where they are made to stand in a corner and rub themselves raw with various cooking utensils. Throwing a crab at an Intelligent Design proponent will cause him/her to spontaneously combust.
Crustaeanity[edit]
Followers of Crustaeanity say that crabs are angels in their religion, and first came into existence by creation from the goddess Herpes, in a mix of Crusteanity, Greco and Roman religions featured on the NBC sitcom God's Biggest Boners.
Habitat & Spreading[edit]
A typical crab habitat is one's fuck-stick or, if one has not a stick, one's jelly roll. However, crabs can also be found dormant, waiting for a host, on toilet lids, bed sheets, underwear lining, and every square nanometer of Paris Hilton.
Crabs can begin their own manifest destiny and move from the pubic region(s) to other areas of body hair. Considering humans have hair covering their entire body, the picture to the left shows where crabs can migrate to if they are not killed quickly.
Crabs cannot stay dormant for long. In fact, if a host dies crabs will migrate, as shown by a 1972 incident when Crinkum Crankum, an infamous Red Light District whore, died under a horrible stampede of Republicans. The crabs that infested her minge scurried off to the nearest underwear department store. An elderly maiden lady, Miss Hinctpickle, became infested when she purchased a stretch girdle from the store. CBS aired the entire event in slow-mo while playing the track Bubbles by Joe Walsh.
Crabs can also spread from muff diving. Crabs can infest one's mustache or other forms of facial hair, and continue their journey from there. In fact, Freddie Mercury had this very problem...but in his case it was more likely due to salami sucking. Crabs are also excellent jumpers, being able to move from one crotch to the next during foreplay, during sexual intercourse, during sexual discourse, and even during heavy petting. It's a lot like when pirates board an enemy's boat swinging on ropes.
Transmitting Disease[edit]
Crabs, being parasitic bugs, can transmit diseases from host to host by biting (similar to mosquitoes and the West Nile Virus we think). For example, if Bob were to have casual sex with someone who has herpes while wearing a condom, Bob would most likely not contract herpes. However, if the person Bob had sex with also had crabs, and Bob was directly infested from that sexual contact, Bob would most likely contract herpes.
Considering herpes is a virus, it can be spread through parasitic insects in between digestion and defecation. Only viruses can be transmitted though; bacterial infections, such as neisseria gonorrhoeae (or more scientifically referred to as “the clap”) can only be transmitted through direct skin-to-skin contact. It’s also known that one can get gonorrhea if they have sex with a ferret or a Jack Thompson (note: one can also become infected with stupidity if one has sex with Jack Thompson).
HIV/AIDS however cannot be spread through crabs. Evidently crabs become infected with HIV/AIDS and die within minutes, unlike Magic Johnson.
Mating & Birthing[edit]
Crabs are born into litters, ranging from anywhere of a litter of 200-5,000. A mother crab will normally go into heat two times a year: in-between cooking and cleaning (which is sometime in June) and during football season.
After mating, the female will lay her fertilized eggs in the belly of the father, just like seahorses, only gayer; this is considered the equivalent of "full custody" in the human world. After having the young in his gut for about seven months, the father will give birth out of his anus. After being released from the dank, hairy tomb of their father's ass, the young set out to start lives of their own.
Structure & Physiology[edit]
Crabs typically have six legs; five of those legs are used to move the crab, while the sixth is actually mistaken for the crab's genitalia. In irony, crabs can catch a form of crabs as well. These type of crabs are known as David Hasselhoffs.
Crabs have an excellent sense of smell. An average crab can smell a rather vile crotch from three miles away, and a rather clean crotch only one mile away. However, a crab's ability to smell frumunda cheese is proportional to its size, or more accurately, its weight. It can be simply expressed by the following equation:
In the equation above, w represents the crab's weight, where s roughly represents the crab's range of smell in miles. Of course, because there's no way to measure the stench of one's wang, it just can't be added into the formula. To change the above from grams to ounces and/or miles to kilometers, use the following equation:
Now, an average crab weighs about two grams (a little more than one-hundredth of an ounce), and based upon the above equations, can smell approximately three miles (about 4.83 kilometers). For more reference, see the table below:
| Weight (grams) | Smell Distance (miles) |
|---|---|
| 2 grams | 3 miles |
| 3 grams | 4.5 miles |
| 4 grams | 6 miles |
| 5 grams | 7.5 miles |
Crabs rarely exceed 8 grams. However, one of the largest ever recorded was found in the crotch of Michael Douglas, a whopping ten pounds (4.5 kilograms). The crab was boiled in saltwater and eaten by the cast of The Jewel of the Nile only minutes later.
Throughout their lives crabs continue to eat, but do not increase in size. From detailed scientific study from the 1960's it is understood that they continue to increase in mass and density until they eventually implode under its own gravity creating a single grain of sand. It has been postulated that all sand in the known universe accounts for around 78.9% of all crab death.
Crab Species Guide[edit]
Here's a brief list of several species of crabs and how to identify them. For more info, click the links on the left:
- Tasmanian Moochling crab - peculiar orangey-red crabs, found exclusively on the island of Tasmania. Eats Zorts and Sun-dried Mango.
- Pee Crab - the Pee Crab is a small life form that ran for president. Sometimes described as a tiny God that lives on Crescent Island with their big peaheads.
- Head Crab - a form of head louse, very similar to normal crabs, that spreads primarily through oral intercourse.
- Giant Enemy Crab - a species originally native to Japan, in the recent months members of this species have been caught in the waters off Las Vegas and California.
- Crab People - essentially a super-form of crabs; a recent South Park documentary uncovered that the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was actually a bunch of crab people.
- Edible Crab - the plain ol' crabs you see on the beach. There's nothing particularly funny about them, we're afraid, but DAMN they taste good.
- Kenyan Mangrove Crab - A vicious, man-eating, crab species native to Kenya. Take extreme caution and use a weapon more effective than a knife when trying to kill one. It has been reported to have killed Naked Snake in Shagohod Naked: Food Eater.
- Chuck Norris Crab - A crab that can roundhouse kick.
- Coconut Crab - A crab that discuises itself as a coconut to ambush prey.
Neutralizing Crabs[edit]
If you have crabs playing crab ball with your pubes, getting rid of crabs is very simple. There's no need to buy any sort of topical lotion or any other over the counter nut creams to get rid of the crotch crickets, announcing to others around you that you have crabs as you buy the product in public daylight. Instead, you can easily shave your crotch to get rid of eggs that might be in the curly forest that is your pubic region, and then apply mayonnaise to the affected area.
It turns out mayonnaise suffocates crabs. Mayonnaise has also been known to suffocate large marsupials, so keep that in mind if you are ever infested with them either.
Another effective tactic is to take a bath in 180 proof alcohol. Biologists and Fabio alike have discovered that crabs are like rednecks. With a little bit of liquor, they will easily do life-ending stunts such as drag racing or jumping off of a bridge with no regard to water's surface tension.
If the invasion of your fuck-stick doesn't ware off after a few months, don't worry, crabs are rarely fatal (see Transmitting Disease). Well, except for this one incident where a young boy wandered into the crab pit at a zoo in an unnamed place (New York). The child, unaware of the ferocity of crabs in captivity, was eaten alive. The crabs were later euthanized, and only the boy's left triquetral bone was recovered. To console the boy's parents, zookeepers assured them that their child would not become crab shit, which is a French delicacy.
Possibly the most extreme option to rid yourself of crabs would be to light yourself on fire, and run like hell to the nearest gas station. The results may not be perfect, but hey, at least you won't have crabs anymore...
After you've gotten rid of your infestation, burn your bed sheets and clothes. We find this is the best way to stop crabs from invading your tool again. Or, if you have a washer and drier, you can use that.
Avoiding Crabs[edit]
There are a few ways to avoid ever getting crabs, and they are listed below. On the other hand, if you want crabs, do the complete opposite of what you're about to read. If you don't not want to never get crabs yet, you know what to do:
- Never use a toilet. 97% of all infestations start with the victim sitting on a toilet lid.
- Don't go to the seaside. If you already live on the seaside, that's great for you pal.
- If you have to use a toilet, wipe from front to back. This seems to prevent most cases of crabs, and we don't know why. It has something to do with thermodynamics.
- Avoid the following people at all costs:
- Never ever show the bare soles of your feet anywhere near a beach. If you do crabs will make no hesitation to pinch them, because they like watching you wince in pain. And when you think they have left, they return and pinch you on the soles again. They will continue doing this until you put on shoes, go home, or kill them all with a chicken gun.
Eating Crabs[edit]
You can eat crabs. In fact, you can find recipes for many things that include crab. To obtain some cheap crab, you can pay a hooker a few bucks to comb her pubes. Make sure to use a can to collect the crabs as you comb them. It is recommended you wear a chemical suit while doing this task. To obtain even cheaper crab, go to the Chesepeake Bay during midsummer, cover yourself in chicken fat, stick yourself in a man-sized crab trap, and lower yourself to the bottom. (Warning: you may attract hundreds of bloodsucking lampreys instead.)
Crabs, before being put in any meal, have to be boiled and peeled from their shell. For best results, add salt to the water as it boils, and then throw the crabs in. Expect to hear popping and cracking sounds as the crabs shells are broken and peel apart from the crab meat. Next, pour the water into a strainer after letting it boil for about ten minutes. You will notice crabs and shells in the strainer after the water is completely gone. You can handpick the crabs from the shells and throw the shells away, or you can hire Carlos to do it. But don't worry, the crabs are harmless at this point.
Boston, Massachusetts has an unusual method of serving crabs - ask for crab at a restaurant there and the waiter\waitress who brings it to the table will put the plate with the food including crabs on on the floor, grab you by the feet throwing you onto your front with your face in the plate - then grab your legs and pull them up while sitting in the small of your back while you eat your food - this unusual tradition is known as the Boston Crab, because of this these days there is a regulation that all waiters and waitresses in Boston serving crab have to weigh less than 11 stone, also that children aged under 12 should only be served by a female waitress weighing no more than 7 stone.
Certain types of Crabs are a small fruit that grows on trees on tropical islands. Once picked, the fruit will put up a fight until it is either eaten or molested by a Crabineer.
You should especially beware of imitation crabs. They are not real crabs at all, but are made from Dog food. If a prostitute gives you a case of imitation crabs, (24 packages in all), do not stick them in your underwear before swimming, or visiting a kennel. Trust me on this one.