Magic Johnson

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“Don't worry about a condom, babe. I'm on the pill!”

~ A whore having sex with Magic Johnson

Earvin "My-Ass-Got-Infected-Coach" Johnson is a retired NBA superstar of the Los Angeles Lakers (now know as the L.A Rapers since Kobe Bryant cum came on board and took over the team as its el presidente). Magic led the team to a million NBA championships and drew a great rivalry with the only (and possibly greatest) white man in history to not suck in the NBA, Larry Bird of the Boston Celtics. Johnson is remembered as the only non-gay man in the world to contract the AIDS virus.

Magic Happens[edit]

"Shit, I forgot I can't dunk!

Magic Johnson is considered by all to be one of the greatest NBA players of all time. He was known to dribble the ball at a million miles an hour, driving the ball down the court faster than Usain Bolt, nail a shot 100 feet away from the basket, and pick apart the opposing team's defense within seconds...but as a 6'9" black man, for some reason he couldn't dunk the ball (which at times took a lot of effort), making him not the best player of all time. But Magic was magical, and although he couldn't dunk, he could pull a rabbit out of his hat and distract the opposing team long enough with a fluffy white bunny to run around them and score, over and over again, for years. Magic's other powers were sleight of hand, hook shots, smoke and mirrors passing wizardry, and his most amazing trick... he could swim through other teams (or virtually every team in existence) like a killer whale on gallons of Red Bull.

The Assisting L.A Magic Man!!![edit]

Magic's defensive strategy involved grabbing players by the nipple and squeezing tight!

Magic was visited by a midget in 1968 named Gary Coleman who asked if Magic could help him become a superstar in the NBA, and win a ton of NBA championships. So Magic cast a spell on him, and turned him into a 7'4" powerhouse in the NBA under the alias, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Later on towards the end of Johnson's career, Magic lent his hand in the arts of black magic to a young superstar who would ask Magic, "Can you make it so I can have sex with any girl I want?" so Magic waved his magic wand, and made Kobe Bryant a rapist.

Magic Birds[edit]

Magic Johnson would have epic battles against his best friend Larry Bird. Larry would lead the Boston Celtics to a record total of NBA finals against Magic Johnson and the Lakers. Their battles on the court where epic, or at least, so the people who were around at the time say, while most kids these days only remember when Michael Jordan came along and shit all over both of these guys as The Pre-Kobe Bryant.


Now finding himself in a league of ex-porn stars and prostitutes ( not so different from the NBA ), Magic Johnson just had to find a way to conquer his AIDS so he could save his NBA reputation. There has been speculation over the years that Magic had contracted AIDS from professional midget Gary Coleman, though there have been some reports that civil rights activist and housewife style soap opera extraordinare Oprah Winfrey was the one who gave him the virus. All of this talk had really frustrated Magic, who just wanted to continue his basketball career and forget all this stuff. Over time Magic did forget the AIDS and as a result died and ascended into heaven, like the one and only black Jesus, Twopack Lamar Shaker ( what white people knew him as- born Tupac Amaru Shakur). What made this situation even more sad was that Magic even had changed his middle name to " H'Ivey".

Return to the NBA (2018)[edit]

In 2018, Magic Johnson cast a spell on himself and cured his AIDS, and he then stormed the L.A Lakers locker room, and kicked Kobe Bryant in the nuts and told him to fuck off, or else join the Clippers. With Kobe now out of the way, Johnson returned the Lakers to a respectable basketball club that went on to win more championships again, now that Kobe wasn't hogging the ball, and Michael Jordan wasn't around to shit all over Magic anymore.