Philadelphia 76ers
| Philadelphia 76ers | |
| |
| Conference | Eastern Conference |
| Division | Titanic |
| Founded | 1946 BC |
| City | Philly |
| Owner | Comcastin' Pyre |
| Sponsor | Wal★Mart |
| Head Coach | Allen Iverson's alter ego |
| Mascot | Little Bird |
| D-League Affiliate | New York Knicks |
| Championships | 3 |
| Negroes on Roster | 15 |
| Rap Albums | 69 |
The Philadelphia 76ers are a professional basketball team that plays in the Negro Basketball Association. They are regarded as the most ghetto NBA franchise, and have one of the blackest lineups in the NBA. The Sixers are the NBA's oldest franchise, and were the last Philadelphia team to win a championship before the Phillies bribed the MLB to finally let them win one. The Sixers have recently drawn criticism for their sponsorship with Wal★Mart and the unethical treatment of their players.
History[edit]
Prehistory[edit]
Little is known about the origions of the Sixers, but from interviews with native tribe groups, National Geographic has traced their origins to the island of Sicily, Italy. Then known as the Syracuse Nationals, they were regarded to be the NBA's first modern civilization. The Nationals also marked the start of the NBA's short but attempted expansion into Europe, in which its other teams were the Ireland Celtics, England Knickers, Germany WARRiors, and Russia Pistols. The Syracuse Nationals were one of the better teams in Europe, but were frequently dominated by the Celtics. The Celtics, known for their magical trickery and Irish luck, won more championships than any other team. The Nationals finally won their first championship when the Celtics' star mage was killed in a battle with the Germany WARRiors, and the Nationals beat the heavily favored Celtics to advance to the NBA Finals.
The Nationals started to lose their dominance when other NBA teams started to get negroes. Attendance figures for the team declined rapidly, and there were constantly crowds outside the amphitheatre rallying for the team to sign negroes. The team searched all of Italy for balck people, but couldn't find any who weren't sacrificed to the lions for entertainment. The team also was hit hard by the fall of the Roman Empire in 476 AD, and faced the threat of the region being overtaken by barbarians. The Nationals knew that relocation was imminent, and looked for cities to relocate to such as Constantinople, Athens, and Cairo. The Syracuse Nationals relocated to Philadelphia because of the high number of negroes, and named themselves the 76ers for the year 476 in which the Roman Empire collapsed.
Wilt Chamberlain Total Domination Period[edit]
Born in Philadelphia, in the Far Northeast, Wilt Chamberlain is regarded as the most unforgiving player and feared conquerer in the history of the NBA. In high school, he played football, basketball, track and field, baseball, and wrestling. He set many records in track and field, such as long jumping 73 feet and running the 440 yards in 22 seconds. Coming out of college, he was listed at an intimidating height of 14'9", and a weight of 73 pounds. Wilt was drafted by the rival Philadelphia Warriors, and during his career with them, scored an average of 137 points, 45 steals, and 72 shot blocks per game. He was just plain scary, and any shot he blocked came falling back towards the Earth at speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour.
The 76ers, previously known as the Syracuse Nationals, had just relocated from Sicily to Philadephia. Even though the move left Italy without an NBA team, it ensured the team an oppurtunity to land Wilt Chamberlain. With the Warriors facing financial difficulties from the rising cost of his enormous shoes, he was traded to the newly relocated 76ers. Wilt, upset about not being able to win a championship with the Warriors, seeked vengeance with the Sixers. In a notable game versus the Detroit Pistons, Wilt Chamberlain was driving down the lane, and a Pistons player, attempting to take a charge, got massive head trauma and 42 bones broken in his body from the collision with Wilt Chamberlain.
The Sixers went undefeated that year, and they defeated the Boston Celtics to win their second NBA championship. Wilt continued his dominance, and during every single one of his years with the Sixers, he led the team to an NBA champinship. He wasn't just dominant on the basketball court, but also in bed, and claimed to have had sex with over 20,000 underaged Japanese schoolgirls. He also raped 17 Celtics players during his time with the Sixers. The Sixers were so dominant, the Boston Celtics started a petition to revoke 3 of the NBA championships, citing Wilt Chamberlain as being "an unfair advantage". All other 13 NBA teams agreed to the petition, and as a result, the Sixers had to give up 3 of their 474 NBA championships to the Celtics, and trade Wilt Chamberlain to the Los Angeles Lakers.After Chamberlain's career with the Lakers, he was 45. Still very young in his career, Chamberlain went to the Dallas Mavericks. He played alongside Dirk Nowitzki, Magic Johnson, Steve Nash, Michael Jordan, and Charles Barkley. He ended his career at age 61 by retirement.
The Dark Ages[edit]
With the absence of Wilt Chamberlain, the Sixers would become irrelevant. Meanwhile, to add even more insult, Wilt Chamberlain's dominance propelled the Lakers to more championships and the Celtics constantly showed off their new pairs of miniskirts. People lost interest in the Sixers, and instead of watching them, did other activities such as cat juggling and dog fighting. In the dismal season of 1373, the Sixers only won 8 games, all of them against the New York Knickers and 1 against the Detroit Lions. The next 4 centuries would bring nothing but pain, punishment, and plague.
Dr. J. Era[edit]
In 1776, the Sixers were facing major hardships when their whole starting lineup contracted herpes. To deal with this outbreak of sickness, the team seeked the help of a janitor by the name of Dr. J. After noticing his amazing ability at administering shots and vaccines, the Sixers made him their team doctor. One game, all of the teams' players were unable to play due to sickness and injuries. To avoid forfeiting the game, the Sixers were forced to use team personel in place of their players. Dr. J., starting at small forward alongside the beer vendors, cheerleaders, and team mascot, got a chance to play in the game. The team realised that Dr. J. was also a really good basketball player, and the Sixers won in a blowout against the Miami Weed. Dr. J. scored 42 points in that game, and showcased his amazing dunking abilities with a dunk in which he jumped from the 3-point line.
Dr. J.'s inspired play led the Sixers to another NBA Finals appearance that season, this time against the former gang members of the Portland Jail Blazers. Game 1 ended in a disaster for the Sixers, with the Blazers shanking the assistant coach and bribing the referees to ensure they would win. The Sixers got a break when half of the Jail Blazers' roster was suspended for two games due to their misconduct in Game 1, and blew out the Blazers in those next two games. This wouldn't last for long, and in Game 4, the Blazers got involved in a full scale brawl, which also included most of the Blazers fans at the game. Every single player on both teams were suspended for being involved in the fight, except for one player on the Jail Blazers. With the Sixers being unable to use any of their players, the Jail Blazers won the next three games to win the NBA Finals.
Sixers addicts were disappointed by the Sixers not winning a championship, but would soon get another chance in 1783 when the Sixers added future Hall of Famer George Washington to their lineup. Even though the Sixers acquiring a white person was widely controversial, fans soon forgot with the team's revolutionary success. With the help of George Washington's racial profiling abilities, the Sixers made another NBA Finals appearance against the Fakers. The Sixers got revenge on the Fakers for stealing Wilt Chamberlain by replacing their water cooler with a vat of tabasco, and blew out the Fakers by over 50 points in each game to win their third NBA championship.
Obesity Plague of the 1800's[edit]
In 1884, the Sixers drafted Charles Barkley, who at the time was 6 foot 2 and weighed 680 pounds. Due to health concerns, he was drafted under the condition that he had to lose at least 300 pounds. This would prove to be difficult for him, especially with the abundance of cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. Even though he was morbidly obese, Barkely was able to overcome it, and was famous for his ability to bring down the backboard while dunking. During games, referees even asked Barkely not to dunk because of the inevitability of him breaking the backboard. Despite the fat man's success, the Sixers wouldn't win in the playoffs, and Charles Barkely demanded a vacation somewhere near Las Vegas so he could gamble. The Sixers honored his request, and let him go to the Phoenix Suns.
Sixers Modernization[edit]
In 1912, the Sixers realized they were just plain pathetic. The team was receiving hate mail from toddlers still wearing diapers, and players were afraid to score any points because they felt sorry for their opponents. To better compete with Western teams, the Sixers did a massive overhaul of their team in which they changed everything, from the team logo to the mascot. The Sixers modernized their roster, and cut any players who didn't get thrown out of at least 10 games or suffer any concussions. The Sixers changed their philosophy to imperialism, and would only be one draft pick away from being the most gangsta team in America.
Allen Iverson Dynasty[edit]
“We talkin' about practice. If Coach tells you that I missed practice, then that's that. If I can't practice, I can't practice. We're sitting here, and I'm supposed to be the franchise player, and we're talking about practice. How in the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing? They should be used to playing with me. Those are my teammates.”
“I'm the MVP, the MVP of this league. I mean, the best basketball players in the world, and I was honored with the MVP. The best basketball player in the world...and this is what I have to go through when I lose. You bleed just like I bleed, you cry just like I cry, you hurt just like I hurt. But I am Allen Iverson, I get paid to play basketball.”
“I'm the answer.”
The most ballin' draft pick in the NBA, Allen Iverson made an immediate impact. The Sixers quickly crowned Iverson emperor of the team. Team music record sales went up about 8000%, and his dynamic hairdoes made cornrows a popular hair style again. The tatoos covering his body head to toe inspired many graffiti artists, and there was a huge increase of graffiti on city buses, and the burglary rate in Philadelphia also rocketed because of Iverson's superhuman stealing abilities. Sports fans in Philadelphia were finally thinking about something other than the Eagles or crack, and the Sixers were once again important.
The Sixers acquired Congo native Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo in a trade with the Congo Starvation that sent them two crackers, and had one of their best seasons. The Sixers beat the Milwaukee Fucks, and advanced to the NBA Finals against the Fakers again. The Sixers set the tone in Game 1 when Iverson blasted his newest rap single, 40 Bars, on the loudspeakers, making Kobe Bryant and Shaq go deaf, and the Sixers won 96-61. The Lakers got revenge, and won the next game. The series shifted to Los Angeles, and the Sixers faced enormous pressure with famous people such as Kanye West and Britney Spears watching. The Sixers dropped the next three games, and missed out on an oppurtunity to break the curse of Philadelphia.
The Sixers lost Dikembe in the offseason, but on the bright side, they acquired Haitian Samuel Dalembert in the draft. At first, when the Sixers drafted Dalembert, Dalembert had no idea that he even applied for the NBA draft, but later found out when one of his tribe members contacted him via smoke signals 4 months later. Dalembert injured himself while hurdling over branches and rocks to get to the nearest airport in Haiti, and had to sit out his first season. Dalembert played the next season, but would be known as a draft bust due to his tendancy to tackle people as if he's playing football and getting called for goaltending every play.
Meanwhile, the Sixers would make the playoffs, but struggled to repeat their success at making rap albums. Iverson made up for it by getting five new cribs, purchasing 11 new Bentleys, and installing four new pools. Iverson also decided he was no longer going to show up to practice, and had a 3 hour press conference in which he said the word "practice" in every single sentence to show how much he cares about practice. Iverson also persuaded the Sixers to sign Chris Webber, one of his possie members, and Iverson and Webber decided they didn't feel like coming to one of the Sixers games. That game happened to also be Fan Appreciation Night. Nobody cared, or at least Iverson thought so. Actually, everybody did care, and as punishment, Allen Iverson was banished to the Nuggets, where he would be forced to mine gold in the icy hells of Colorado. The Sixers also got rid of Webber, but since they felt bad for him, they also gave him 25 million dollars. Besides, it was all Iverson's fault anyway. The trade marked the end of Iverson's 60 year reign, and sparked a brief period of anarchy before being filled by another negro.
Elton Brand Dynasty[edit]
Elton Brand was originally with the Los Angeles Nail Clippers, but got tired of having to clip Kobe Bryant's toenails all the time and answer questions about Paris Hilton. Brand had originally stated that he intended to resign with the Clippers, but he was really lying. Why would anyone in the right sense of mind want to sign with a franchise as abysmally shitty as the Clippers? Brand moved to Philly where he proceeded to rape and pillage. He is affectionately known as the bane of South Philadelphia.
Sponsorship with Wal★Mart[edit]
Wal★Mart, seeing the oppurtunity of attracting a new generation of sweat shop workers, signed a sponsorship deal with the Sixers. In the sponsorship deal, the Sixers replaced the basketball in their team logo with the Wal★Mart smiley, and will rename their stadium to the Wal★Mart SuperCenter. Sixers fans have rallied for Comcast to cancel the sponsorship deal, but Comcast doesn't care. People who have written letters to the Comcast headquarters have only gotten response letters telling them about discounts for signing up with Comcast Triple Play now.
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