Shaquille O'Neal

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“Don't lose no $40 million, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, oh yeah, and be a friend...pass the ball...and don't be rapin' listening to me, Kobe?”

~ Shaq on drugs probably

Left: What Shaq looks like today.
Right: Computer generated image of what Shaq will look like in 2021

Shaquille "Shaq" O'Neal, AKA: "That fat basketball player wit dem big ass sized shoes" is mostly known for being a basketball player that was once great, but had he not lost $40 million on investing in "Kazzam II: I dream of my hair being able to touch the ground...oh shit I just done trip over it", he wouldn't need millions of dollars to pay off his bills, and now his welcome in the WNBA is long overdrawn. Shaq spent his retirement season in 2012 as a freak side-show attraction for the Boston Doggy Ticks where stoned college kids could attend to adore the star of their favorite retro game "Shaq Fu". Shaq played for pretty much every team in the WNBA league that could afford his overpaid, big fat body, although had not been worth paying straws for since the days he was a L.A. Lager with his now ex-teammate & arch nemesis Kobe Bryant.


Shaq's parents, a Sasquatch named Duncan & a smelly green ogre named Shrek, mated and the end result was a baby ogwatch who they decided to call Shaquille due to the ill effects of the drugs they give women at birth not having worn off yet.

Shaq's birth was not a fairy-tale beginning. The moment Shaq was born via a Cesarean pizza section, the doctor returned to the waiting room to inform Shaq's father that there had been some complications, and that the son was born with such humongous feet that they had to remove her spleen and semicolon in order to pull the baby out. The doctor then told Shaq's pop that the mother would have to spend the rest of her life as a cripple, with no ability to move anything below her head, and that she was completely brain dead. He would have to feed her and change her soiled clothes for the rest of her life. Shaq's daddy began to tear up then started bawling his eyes out. Then the doctor said, "I'm just messin' with ya, she died, here, take this, it's your son" and he handed the father a baby with the largest feet any baby had ever had at birth.

Early Ogwatch Life

Shaq spent most of his childhood locked in his cage with a bucket on his head playing his favorite game, "Where's the bucket?", a game he still enjoys playing, even though the bucket's right there in front of his face. He may not be able to score a bucket from say ... "free throw" distance, but he sure does known how to slam a rock into that bucket so hard that the bottom of the bucket breaks; plus, Shaq likes the sight of stuffing balls into a hole.

It was only natural that when Shaq grew up he would want to become a basketball player. Even though Shaq is terrible at basketball, his lack of basketball skills doesn't matter as everyone knows that the position of "center" only requires your being tall enough to block shots with your head, even if it's by sheer accident that your head just so happened to be able to get in the way as someone half your size attempts to shoot the ball at the basket.


Trickless Magician

Shaq not even aware of people in Florida hanging onto him for dear life

After Shaq had been paid his first millions of dollars for his big fat head to block shots and dunk on people smaller than him playing college basketball, he became the third overall pick for the Orlando Slamdoors. Shaq began earning as much money as he did playing for Michigan, and worth every last penny too, as Shaq spent his first few years in the WNBA dunking, and blocking shots with various body parts, while also tearing down backboards and ripping the house down which became known as the "Shaq Attack" because he kept attacking and breaking all the stuff around him like an unsupervised 2 year old trying to pull everything apart.

This cost the Orlando Magic way too much money to keep repairing shit that Shaq kept breaking, and that's coming from a place where citizens are so dumb they are seen on average 3 times a year holding onto a palm tree for dear life screaming "WE LOVE THIS PLACE" as a hurricane tries to suck them out into the Bermuda Triangle. The tornadoes never had enough power to lift Shaq's fat body off the ground, and thats why on average you would see Shaq standing in a storm smiling & waving at the passers blowing by him as 3 people hung onto Shaq for dear life.

Kobe really was a bad influence on Shaq.

L.A. Rim Ripper

Shaq would find himself traded off to the other side of the force when he was enlisted by the Los Angeles Lakers after Orlando figured there is no point paying a giant rim wrecker that much money if he couldn't win them a championship. Traded to L.A., Shaq would force the basket to wear his balls as much as he liked, and his teammates would force sheep to wear leeks provided they said "no" first. L.A. led by Shaq managed to somehow win 3 championships in a row, leaving the idiots back in Orlando jumping around and cussing about it just before the wind picked up and blew their boneheaded decision making selves out to sea.

During his time with L.A., Shaq had the misfortune of having to play with the latest Michael Jordan wannabe, which meant that Shaq would get pissed off that there was another ballhog on the team. The pixie man we are talking about is Kobe Bryant. Shaq and Kobe started off as decent friends, but when Kobe started averaging 12 steals a game, from Shaq's hands, Shaq started to get really upset and threatening Kobe that if he didn't start passing him the ball, he would write a rap song about him. This however did not faze Kobe, and proved that he might just be the next Michael Jordan after Kobe was found to be cheating on his wife in hotel rooms. Shaq demanded that he be traded from L.A. and sent back home to Miami where he could shoot bricks in the sun once more.

Miami Cats

Shaq returned to Florida to play for the Miami Cats in Heat. Along with another washed up superstar of yesteryear, Shaq and Bozo Mourning helped Miami win their first championship and spend days celebrating by sweating in L.A.'s general direction where Kobe could smell the sweet aroma of what real champions smell like. Over the next few years, Shaq became more and more dull, slowed down a lot and has become a joke of the WNBA. While Kobe has become the man of the day, Shaq is just waiting patiently to pay off his $40 million dollar debt by playing for whatever team is dumb enough to pay him to play for them, while also waiting for Kobe to slow down and not know when to quit, and that's when Shaq plans to sneak up on Kobe, and force him to eat dandelions and leek soup. But Shaq has stated that now is not the time, because Kobe is at the peak of his career, and he will eat anything.

Shaq Attack

Shaq practices the art of "Shaq Fu" which is an art of breaking innocent chairs that did nothing to harm you. However it may seem, it is not the kind of destruction that Kobe performs. Shaq is practicing the good side of the force, by putting the chairs back together again. This is because Shaq believes that if you leave chairs broken they will not be good for anything. Shaq has stated that his ball stealing skills are much better than Kobe's, and once Kobe starts slowing down in his ability to run around Shaq's tremendous girth 30 times before Shaq can blink, then that's the day Shaq's gonna catch Kobe and steal his ball without his consent, and teach him just how it feels to have your ball stolen. He's also going to steal Kobe's leeks and send them home because they're un-American.

Rapping on doors

Shaq blows an opponent away with a single cum shot.

Shaquille is not just a really awful basketball player, he is really sucky at other things too. In 1993 Shaq released his first crap CD called "Shaq Diesel". There is an old saying amongst those with taste in music that the only thing worse then a rap star who thinks he is a basketball player is a basketball player who thinks he can rap. Shaq is THE living proof that those very words are true. No one could even figure out what the fuck Shaq was saying in his songs. To most it sounded like "uhh doober doober doober duur duur" and to other retards who listened to it it sounded like, "dc ym gniyub rof ssabmud a uoy". Shaq's idea of lyrics was equally retarded as the name he chose for the album.

Shaq's rap music is sometimes played on a repeating loop to drive people out of a given area; it is more effective even than the sound of a crying baby.

As if Shaq's first album wasn't enough, every time Shaq was traded to a new team, he felt he had to destroy the already fucked up world of rap music, with a new album. Unfortunately, due to Shaq being an ogre, no one had the guts to tell Shaq face to face that he could not sing, and should do the world a favor and make like 2Pac and just buzz off and die already. Shaq said he loved to rap cause his momma always told him how special spethshall he was at Christmas time when he would help momma wrap the presents up for all their black relatives.


As if Shaq's rapping career wasn't bad enough, he even attempted to make his own brand of martial arts called; "Shaq Fu", which was the dumbest thing the world had ever seen, prior to the release of Shaq Fu: the video game, which was THE dumbest fuckin' thing ANYONE had seen until Shaq made a movie called Kazzam, which was then THE dumbest thing anyone had ever seen until Shaq lost $40 million by investing in its sequel which was THE dumbest thing anyone had seen since Michael Jordan fucked up his legacy by coming out of retirement saying he wanted to be a wizard because of his inspiration from watching Harry Potter films.

"Learnd-ed-ded this move off Hulk Hogan, Brotha Fukka!
"Shaq be OK wit helping wit da house work. To pay off da car bill and whut not, but no make Shaq pick no cotton, yo, or Shaq will Attack you Azz, yo."


Some of the things Shaq will be most remembered for in his WNBA career are all the opponents he injured because he forgot he was supposed to be a basketball player and thought he was a WWE superstar. Shaq would waddle out on the court and everything seemed like it would be a normal day. But then someone would get too close to Shaq and the next thing you know, Shaq's body-slammed someone to the court, ripped the whole ring support out of the floorboards and begun smashing unbreakable glass backboards over their heads.

This would enrage the coach as he and his teammates kept trying to tell Shaq that he was a basketball player, not a sports entertainer. Shaq seemed to get confused by this a lot. And it took a lot of effort to stop a giant stupid fat person from going King Kong on people's butts whenever the ball would smack into Shaq's head and he would spin around in a daze before he smiled, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and said, "WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHAQ DOES A ROODY POOH-POOH ALL OVER YOU-YOU". The end results of broken bones and injured basketball players were devastating, but not quite as devastating as when Shaq would drop his draws and drop a Cleveland Cava-Steamer on his downed opponent for the home crowed that he entitled "The Shaq-Attack-Crap". However, spectators still sell some of Shaq's memorabilia shit on EBay for, like Shaq's pay check, overpriced numbers.

"Stole'ded dis most electrifying move in sports entertainment history from Da Rock Yo"
"Goonee-Goo-Goo, Yo"

Shaq-a-nik-nak-paddy-whack give the Sasquatch a last bone

2012 marked the final run waddle for the 9 foot tall Sasquatch who was overpaid by the Boston Shelties to sit his big fat ass down on 3 seats on the bench. Shaq was easy to spot when and if he got any court time; he was the tall black ogre lying on the court crying about a sprained knee or faking a back injury to get out of the way of his ex team-mate Kobe before he mistook Shaq for a non-consenting sheep and got his food stolen. He then retired to focus 100% on his Shaq-Fu techniques.

Life after Basketball

Shaq moved in with the Henderson family after they accidentally ran over Shaq in their family SUV in February of 2013. Due to the injuries the family sustained from the accident, and that Shaq had no money to pay their medical insurance, while Shaq stood there in a daze with his head spinning and eyes rolling back into his head confused there was no backwards to break, the Henderson family decided they might as well adopt Shaq as their family pet and he could spend 20 years doing their house work for them to pay off their medical bills as well as the SUV that was a total write-off yet Shaq emerged without a scratch on him.