Milwaukee Bucks

Milwaukee Fucks

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The official logo of the Milwaukee Fucks

The Milwaukee Fucks is an NBA franchise in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Fucks are notable for...well, not much, really. If there was a textbook of mediocrity, these guys would get three chapters all to themselves.

In the Beginning

The Fucks were founded in 1968. The Fucks were not the first team to play in Milwaukee- the Hawks played there for four seasons, but were kicked out for literally acting like hawks whenever they lost a home game. The citizens of St. Louis, curious about this spectacle, all shouted "Show me!", and so the Hawks went to St. Louis. Coincidentally, the Hawks relocated again to Atlanta the same year that the Fucks began play. Nobody is sure why any team would want to go to Atlanta, but rumor has it that a Coca-Cola executive saw the team, in the midst of a drunken stupor, attempt to destroy a Pepsi truck and decided then and there to bring the team to Atlanta.

With the Phoenix Suns threatening to start a Communist revolution and make the temperature in every single arena unbearably hot, the Fucks were admitted to the league as a chilling capitalist countermeasure. Both sides were given permission to steal players from other teams, but they had to decide who would get first pick. When the Milwaukee owners suggested flipping a coin, the Phoenix owners, offended, called the Milwaukee "capitalist fucks" and "agents of the bourgeoisie" and stormed out, thereby giving the Fucks first pick. The former comment was also the inspiration for the team's name. After much debate and several pissing matches with the New York Nets, the Fucks acquired a star player in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The Fucks' Best Year Ever

The Fucks were, once upon a time, not the bore de force we know them as today. In fact, in 1971, they had quite possibly their most successful year ever. They became the first team to win the Midwest Division, then took care of the San Francisco Warriors Indians Native Americans Indigenous Peoples and the Los Angeles Lakers easily on the way to the Finals. Once they got to the Finals, they took on the Baltimore Bullets, with whom Milwaukee locked antlers. Since the Bullets had no antlers, they lost by default, and the Bucks took home their first and only championship.

The 1990's

It wasn't until the 1990's that the Fucks acquired their current reputation. To celebrate their 25th anniversary, the Fucks decided to change their logo and color scheme to be completely EXTREME! However, as it turned out, purple jerseys and the placement of a deer right there on the front of their alternate jersey weren't enough to save the team from their downward and sideways spiral. Once a prestigious name, the Fucks had fallen to complete apathy. However, in 1998, that began to change, as the owners started spending their money on the team, rather than fund their crippling, uniquely Wisconsinite addictions to expensive cheese.

Turning Milleniums, Turning Fortunes

Around 2000, the Fucks returned to their old glory. On the backs of David Robertson and Ray Allen, whose talent had gone wasted in previous seasons, the Fucks came out of nowhere to win the Central Division. The Fucks plowed through the Orlando Magic, then won a hard-fought series against the Charlotte Hornets. However, before the Fucks could return to the Finals, they would have to get through Allen Iverson and the Philadelphia 76ers.

Unfortunately, the Fucks had something huge against them that they couldn't stop: the NBA marketing machine. Iverson, with his ugly-ass fashionable new sleeve on his right arm, tattoos, and star power, had a marketability all on his own that the Fucks' team chemistry could not withstand. As such, the referees conspired to ensure that the Fucks would lose the series, though to their credit Milwaukee did drag the series out to seven games.

The Fucks Today

The Fucks are still playing, and still as meh as ever. They stumble into the playoffs every two or three years, sometimes without even winning half their games, get knocked out in the first round by a team farther to the east, and then everybody forgets about them again.

The Fucks' Future

Fucks fans in 0.3 countries around the world are eagerly awaiting the day when the Fucks finally win their division again. Unfortunately, when your team is surrounded by more successful and interesting franchises, both in their own division and in other sports, it is very difficult to win much of anything.

Rivalries

The Fucks have long been hated rivals of the Chicago Bulls, but the rivalry is somewhat one-sided. The Bulls have much more notable conflicts, especially with the Detroit Pistons and Miami Heat, so their reaction to the Fucks' anger is a resounding "meh."