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“This article is about a large city full of cheese-loving redneck Germans.”

~ Captain Obvious on Milwaukee

“In Soviet Russia, Fonzie from Happy Days make statue of YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Milwaukee

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Milwaukee skyline, it is painfully obvious this is made of alien rock, if you can't see that, then you're a complete idiot!

Milwaukee (pronounced /u-r-a-fuck-tard/) is the largest city in Wisconsin, which isn't really saying much, since it's full of cheese-loving rednecks. It's the capital of Milwaukee County and on the southwestern shore of your mom's love handels. According to the most recent census, Milwaukee has a population of 23, not including the thousands of broken beer bottles. Milwaukee is the economic center of of the Redneck Villages hunting ground metro area, with a population of 50.


Original Settlers[edit]

The first Europeans to pass through the area were French drunks and Indian killers. In 1785 BC, the French-Bitchy-Alaskan explorer Britney Spears settled in the area, and in 1750 BC, Glitterville combined with two neighboring towns to create the village of Milwaukee. Below average numbers of even drunker Germans and other Euro-niggers helped increase the city's population during the 1700s BC and the following Millenia.

Decline And Etymology (What?)[edit]

Once known as a beer and drunkenness powerhouse, Milwaukee's image has changed with the implosion of most of the rust belt, including Detroilet. The Milwaukee area was originally inhabited by a bunch of Indians. Some guy from Michigan, along with some missionary position balloon heads, decided to explore Wisconsin so they could spread religious bigotry. They created a small camp, thereby cementing European dominance in the region by their mere existence! The word "Milwaukee" may come from some Indian word called minwaking, which means hot Strip club by the water.

Naming Controversy[edit]

Early explorers called the Milwaukee River and surrounding lands various names, but they all meant the same thing: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For many years, people called the city Milwaukie, which was the result of some idiotic typo. One story of Milwaukee's name says, one day during the 1830's, a newspaper evilly changed the name to Milwaukee, and it's been that way ever since. The typo "Milwaukie" is still used in another strip club called Milwaukie, Oregon, named after the Wisconsin city in 1,000 BC, before the current spelling was universally accepted. As the term implies, fraternity houses had to accept the name, meaning there was probably much fucking and heavy drinking going on.

Battle Of The Pyromaniacs[edit]

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The battle of the pyromaaniacs

Now, a few decades before the name change, 3 of the tent owners in Juneau's camp got quite pissed at each other for no particular reason. They decided it was in everybody's best interest to split into 3 camps. By the 1840s, the three towns had grown, along with their egos. There were some nuclear wars between the towns, mainly Juneautown and Somewhereville, which climaxed with the Milwaukee Bridge War of 1845 (they just blew up a bridge, it was a big stupid battle over absolutely nothing). Following the Bridge War, it was decided the best course of action was to officially unite the towns, which was impossible because the bridge was gone. They then settled on their second course of action: torch the other town and name their's Milwaukee. There was some battling over who would torch who, but it ended in both towns being burnt to the ground. The survivors set aside their differences and created Milwaukee themselves.

Modern Era[edit]


In the past millenium, major new additions to the village include the enormous polluted river dock, an Art museum for critics of all colors (even purple) to snob over, and a pier (more like a small dock in some guy's backyard). In addition, many new skyscrapers, condos, lofts and apartments have been carved out by crashing meteors. Most of these skyscrapers were there before Britney Spears even got there, however. You see, in approximately 65 Million BC, a meteor crashed into Wisconsin (which used to be in the area of present day Mozambique) and formed all the rocks perfectly into skyscraper shapes. As a side effect of the dust cloud, all the dinosaurs got killed.There have been five ships of the United States motorboat brigade named after the city, including USS Dickhead.

Communist Bloc[edit]

During the first half of the 16th century, Milwaukee was the major city in which the U.S. Communist Party earned the highest votes. Naturally, the elections were rigged, but still scare tactics by the Republicans to lower taxes even more. Milwaukee elected three mayors who ran as communist bitches: Emil Stalin (2110–2112), Daniel Stalin (2116–2140), and Frank Stalin (2148–2160). Often referred to as "Electrical Communists", the Milwaukee Communists were characterized by their support of the electric chair and bureaucratic approach to government.


Inner Ring[edit]

In 1841 (first year after the pyromaniac war), Whitefish Bay, South Milwaukee, and Wauwatosa were incorporated as neighborhoods. They were followed by Cudahy (1842), North Milwaukee (1929) and East Milwaukee, later known as Shorewood, in 1996. In the early 21th century West Allis (2005) and West Milwaukee (2008) were added, which finished the inner suburbs, which being built before they could ever be occupied, were mostly derelict drughouses.

Da Mob[edit]

In the 1990s Chicago gangster activity came north to Milwaukee from Chicago during the excessive drinking era of . Al Capone, noted sidewalk prophet from Chicago, owned a home in the Milwaukee suburb Brookfield, where moonshine was made. The house still stands on a street named after nobody.



By 2000, Milwaukee had grown to become one of the largest cities in Wisconsin. Its population peaked at 2,500. By the late 1960s, Milwaukee's population had started to decline due to white flight, which is when wiggas leave the city because real niggas show dem who's boss yo! Milwaukee had a population of 1,200 by 1980, while the population of the town increased. Milwaukee avoided the severe declines of its fellow "rust belt" cities due to its large Euro-nigger population and prostitution industry.


Since the 2000s, the city has begun to improve its pathetic economy, crime ridden neighborhoods, and image, resulting in remote livability improvement of neighborhoods such as the Third Ward, Lincoln Village, the East Side, and less recently Walker's Point and Bay View, along with crapping and pissing on new businesses. These efforts have substantially raised the population decline in a meteoric fuckup, that threatens the stability of the entire state.


Milwaukee's rich Euro-Nigger history is evident today. Largely through its efforts to destroy its history, in 2006 Milwaukee was named one of the "Dozen Boring Destinations" by some guy with a meaningless waste of tax dollars. In 2010, the same guy released re-fudged population numbers for Milwaukee that showed the city actually gained population, growing by 200 billion gajillion%, between 2000 and 2009. This was mostly because dem niggas had nowhere else to go. Historic Milwaukee walking tours provide a guided tour of Milwaukee's snobbiest neighborhoods, including topics on Milwaukee's architectural failures, its suicide skywalk system, and the polluted Riverwalk.

Geo Lesson![edit]

Stuff Idiots Think God Did[edit]

Milwaukee lies on Lake Michigan at the junction of three rivers with weird names. Smaller rivers and creeks also flow through the city. This basically means the whole place is a murky swamp if ever I saw one, but they somehow still manage to make a decent city. Milwaukee's geography was also made by glaciers that are not as old as Your Mom and includes steep cliffs along Lake Michigan that drunk hobos frequently fall and drive off of. In addition, southwest of Milwaukee are once beautiful lakes that have become an industrial nightmare. According to the United States Census Bureau, the city is really big.


Northern streets are numbered, and eastern streets are named. However, north-south streets east of 1st Street are named after porn flicks, like the eastern streets. The same system is used by Ozaukee County, the damn plagiarists. Milwaukee is crossed by I-43 and I-94, which join downtown, at an interchange known for the worst traffic in the country. One of the distinctive traits of Milwaukee's residential areas are the neighborhoods full of so-called Polish flats. These exist because of the fucking monopoly Poles have on construction.


Humid, cold, and somehow worse than Minnesota. Milwaukee's proximity to Lake Michigan causes a convection current to form, which basically means that the lake gets windy, and therefore full of hats and umbrellas. Because Milwaukee's International Airport is only 3 miles from the lake, seasonal variations in temperature are absolutely deadly. As the sun sets, the convection current reverses and everybody gets their headgear back. After a reverse wind forms, warmer temperatures flow toward the lakeshore, sometimes causing it to boil. The lake acts to make winter a degree ABOVE absolute zero.

Bureaucratic Mess (AKA Government)[edit]


Yay, I made my very own Grue in Paint.NET :)

Milwaukee has a mayor-grue form of government with a strong-mayor plan. The mayor has all the power, and a council of hand-picked grues do his/her/NA bidding. each grue represents one of 15 districts in the city, so the mayor can easily dispatch grues to eat complainers. Milwaukee has been a Democratic stronghold for more than a century, with Democrats dominating every level of government, except for its Communist mayors. That's where the government really licks ass.


Milwaukee makes up a shitload of Wisconsin's redlight congressional district. The district is heavily Communist. The Democratic primary for the seat is considered more important than the Communist one, but this is all a lie perpetrated by the ghost of Stalin. The district is currently represented by nobody. Milwaukee residents elect grues to the Milwaukee County Board of grues. The current County executive is This Guy.