Larry Bird
Larry Joe Bird (born December 25, 1 A.D.) aka Bird Jesus is an NBA basketball player, and the inventor of the Larry Bird Slam Dunk. Originally drafted into the NBA sixth overall circa 1980, Bird bitched his way into a trade to the Boston Celtics aka The Beer Kegs, joining legendary center Bill Russell and future forward Paul Pierce as a keg. Due to back problems, he developed a unique shooting style in 1992; this involved throwing the ball with his feet. Bird was voted to the NBA's 50th Anniversary All-Time Team and inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame and Cafe in 1998. He served as head coach of the Indiana Pacers Pac-men from in the 1990s. In 2003, he assumed the position of President of Basketball Operations for the Pac-men, which he currently still holds (very tightly).
Early life[edit]
Larry Bird is black. Although this is disputed among idiots, you freaking know it's true. He came out of the womb with a basketball in his hands, and slammed the ball through the hoop, thus inventing the slam dunk on the first day of his life. Never again will anyone dunk the ball with the might of the invisible mustache. It was evident at a young age that Bird was an above average shooter. By age 9 he had already shot all of the kids in his community. He had shot so many children that he became wanted in three states. In one instance, the police came to his house and after an action packed gun fight scene, he was taken into police custody and sentenced to three years at the French Lick Juvenile Correctional Facility. At age 10, he took part in his jail's basketball tournament. His team would travel to all of the other jails in the state, playing their teams. On one particular occasion, Bird's team played a game at the state penitentiary (now closed for evidence of cruelty to the inmates and their spouses). It was there that he was discovered by a group of NBA scouts while serving time for child molestation. When released from jail, Bird was contacted by these same scouts who decided to give him a chance in the draft. He had to perform 'special' tasks as a child to prove himself, although these tasks are frowned upon now and considered statutory rape. Bird admits his childhood was pretty messed up, but it made him the ass-clown he is today.
Pre-NBA[edit]
Back in the pre-NBA WNBA merger years, drafting players included having them perform a series of difficult tasks to decide if they were worthy of the honor that the NBA would bring them. For Larry Bird, this meant playing Magic Johnson in a charity game to raise AIDS and Faggot Awareness. Bird lost the game which some analysts believe is the reason he fell to sixth in the draft. Magic Johnson would go onto set the world record for fastest time taken to sleep with a person in all 50 states (previously held by Ben Franklin).
NBA Career[edit]
Magic Johnson would have epic battles between against his best friend Bird. Larry would lead the Boston Celtics to a record number of NBA finals against Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers.
Bird-Man will forever be in our hearts and may his soul rest in peace. He is currently buried under the Boston Celtics Home Court and it is said that his ghost still haunts the arena, preventing Boston from winning a championship even though that have a stacked team of all-stars. This is another curse the lame ass city of Boston has to deal with because its a city full of 'wicked' stupid people with terrible taste in sports.
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||