Los Angeles Lakers

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The Bryantville Lakers, aka The Los Angeles Lakers, aka The L.A. Rapers, are not really Lakers. That's because they're not in Minneapolis anymore, where there are a lot of lakes. They were once "Lakers" in Minneapolis, but Global Warming and some butt-headed male diva/billionaire (Jack Kent Cooke-Rapist) in the 1960s transported them to Los Angeles to impress that diva's Hollywood manservants. After a while, despite the history of greatness with Wilt Chamberlain, Jerry West, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, and Shaq, Kobe Bryant took all of the attention and history away from the Lakers. Then due to Bryant's gigantic ego, they became the L.A. Rapers. It was suggested that they change the name "Rapers" by transporting the team to somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, such as Hawaii where they have training camp. The NBA contends they do not know the reason why they did not change their name to the Hawaiian Lakers, much less the Honolulu Rapers.


Name ONE player on the Lakers. Oh, come on, that was TOO easy. Name someone else.

Some time ago, a fish-headed guy owned a team called the Minneapolis Lakers. It consisted of overly-talented white guys known as "George Mikans" and "Jerry Wests." In time, The National Fishketball Association were killed by the Lakers and they had to join the NBA because they were too good, and still beat teams like the New Jersey Fishnets by a score of 29-28. Years later, an 18-year-old extraterrestrial life form named Kobe Bryant made his debut by scoring 69 points and dishing out < 0 (no) assists, leading in the Kobe Bryant Era where no one but him is the team, forever, in perpetuity.

Move to Los Angeles

After a few years in Los Angeles, Kobe Bryant raped everyone in the city and renamed the town Bryantville. The city was known as L.A. for some years before Bryant brutally raped the city itself, and left town in a beat-up Buick with a girl named Sasha, who was believed to be a teammate of Bryant. After two years on the run with Sasha, Bryant eventually gave in to his undying desire to rape his teammate, and Sasha did not survive this unfortunate incident after being traded off the team.

Although Bryant is often not to be seen for months at a time in the off-season, some witnesses have claimed to see him driving through their neighborhoods after dark in a tragically-raped Buick, trolling for fish.

The Los Angeles Ass-Wipers

When Kobe Bryant plays bad and shoots under a 20% field goal percentage, his teammates (usually the really hot dorkfest Pau Gasol and formerly weed-smoking perennially-injured Mrs. Kardashian Lamar Odom) step out and help him wipe his ass, until they are on the disabled list, and/or traded off the team.

Political Ventures

The last time they won the NBA title, they took a visit to the White House. They found Dubya passed out in the lobby after having rough sex with Nancy Pelosi. Kobe Bryant went into the Oval Office and put the Presidential suit on and turned into Barack Obama, after Hollywood gave its permission to do so.


The team is now in a state of mental "displacency," or a really horrible form of Aspberger's Syndrome. In the 2012-2013 season, the same time that a meteor crashed into Russia, the formerly awkward, lame loserfest of the NBA Los Angeles Clippers ran over the Rapers in athleticism, teamwork, and flat-out great basketball in their Western Conference. Several all-star players were traded to the Rapers in recent years, only to disappear into the black hole known as Kobe Bryantville, never to be heard from again. It is also legend that anybody that plays in the guard position like Kobe does, or plays better point guard than Kobe pretends to do, will be traded post haste to Antarctica.


Due to the L.A. Rapers' tendency to rape all men, women and children in sight, it had been difficult to find a suitable arena for them. Recently, the Staples Center was built in Downtown L.A., which brought more "fans" from the surrounding urban neighborhoods to watch games, provoke riots, and set fire to Buicks on the street.

Despite the apparent calm waters in Los Angeles, an average of three fans go missing from the Staples Center on a weekly basis, and two of them are never seen again. It is speculated that all of these missing Rapers fans are currently chained to the wall in a dark basement where Kobe Bryant lives as its dungeonmaster.

Since Kobe Bryant came on board, the Los Angeles Rapers have gone through 78,892 basketballs, 78,658 of which fell victim to mysterious, mushroom tip-shaped puncture wounds. This is in stark contrast to the 11 basketballs that the Lakers went through in the Wilt Chamberlain years.


There are well under a few thousand Rapers fans on Earth today, most residing outside of Los Angeles, such as Las Vegas and other desert towns with minor league baseball teams and too many bowling leagues. It is common to see these fans rush out of a Rapers game in L.A. before the fourth quarter, and seeing them hop on a bus to catch the Los Angeles Clippers game later on that night. There are only a few that actually like both the Lakers or Clippers, although the number of fans is slowly growing on the Clippers' side. The remaining fans of the Rapers include douchebags, The Devil, rapists, and people with no souls.


Much credit should be given to former coach Phil Jackson and the late current owner Jerry Buss who have managed to keep this legendary basketball franchise afloat in the midst of all controversy surrounding Kobe Bryant, Bryantville, the publicity surrounding Kobe and his annoying on-off again, ex- and non-ex-wife, and all things Kobe. Perhaps most impressive has been the ability of Jackson to create "rape-diversions" for Kobe Bryant, where the main goal is to prevent Bryant from raping himself, others, and your dog.

Kobe has only raped himself twice in his professional career, but both times he was forced into injured reserve with superficial wounds.

It is believed that Bryant once attempted to rape Shaquille O'Neal, but Shaq, being horny and sexually active as he is, was able to whack Kobe off with his big black stick. Shaq has since recorded a rap song dedicated to this incident titled How Does My Ass Taste?

See Also