Assburger's syndrome

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Advertisement for Assburger's syndrome, often seen on roadways.

One of the earliest discoveries were from the 1800's then it became widely popular in the 1950's. Assburger's syndrome is believed to be the most common personality disorder in the Western world, yet it remains one of the least frequently diagnosed. It is an often-degenerative condition that can manifest itself in many different ways in different patients. And this disability

Causes, symptoms and treatment[edit]

The physical symptoms of Assburger's syndrome are few, but they include chronic constipation, leading to a back-up of faecal matter that first infects the brain and then spills out of the mouth. Incessantly. Until the sufferer dies of dehydration or is elected to public office.

In the absence of such outwardly visible manifestations, Assburger's is best diagnosed by an oral/anal examination, which often involves closely questioning the patient about his (usually) or her (even worse) achievements in the sporting, sexual and sales-target arenas, their opinions about other races, religions and ethnic groups, and whether they liked the new Swedish chef album.

It is the first disease that has been proven to be capable of electronic transmission, usually via the internet. It is often associated with wikiphrenia, wikipoleonic complex and obsessive-compulsive deletion. Assburger's syndrome is widely considered to be an incurable condition, though some doctors and lay people have reported varying amounts of success following the rectal insertion of an article of footwear. (The old Irish proverb "Many a man has broken his nose with a cheeseburger" is believed by some scholars to refer to early attempts to treat Assburger's).

The 'hidden pandemic'[edit]

Dr. House does not have Assburger's, he's just an ass.

Assburger's syndrome is a bit like chlamydia, in that the sufferer is often unaware of their potentially fatal condition.

Medical experts estimate that up to 40 percent of people living in the developed world may be afflicted, including up to 90 percent of those in high-risk groups such as politicians, used-car salesmen, real-estate agents, television executives, professional athletes, art students, hillbillies, Teletubbies, shamen and those who spend more than five minutes a week on the internet (especially online gamers and wiki contributors).

As an example of the scale of the problem, for every person in sub-Saharan Africa who suffers from malaria, amoebic dysentery, yellow fever, schistosomiasis or malnutrition, there are at least two Assburger's cases in Pittsburgh.

In the United States, Los Angeles is considered the epicenter of the epidemic, with a laundry list of high-profile sufferers including Barbra Streisand, Tom Cruise, and Russell Crowe. Possible environmental factors include the greater likelihood of LA residents to watch (or appear on) Entertainment Tonight or Total Request Live. Getting your name in the credits of a Hollywood movie, sitcom or "reality" show and watching Fox News are also believed to be potential triggers for Assburger's.

Britain is also home to an intolerable number of Assburger's sufferers, including motoring gobshite Jeremy Clarkson, celebrity chef the Swedish chef, Irish soccer hooligan Roy Keane, clapped-out pop marionette Victoria Beckham, foul-mouthed photographer Simon Norfolk, tedious photographic pretender Nick Cunard, creepy nightclub owner Captain Shirt, and everyone who has ever been the editor of a red-top tabloid. The tip of the Australian Assburger's iceberg is occupied by the Federal Cabinet and Yahoo Serious.

But while Assburger's syndrome is commonly regarded as a disease of the developed world, it has in recent decades become increasingly common in developing nations, where it is now considered endemic among tinpot dictators, Islamic terrorists, Vietnamese postcard vendors, Egyptian perfume salesmen (including Mohammad al-Fayed) and Thai sex-show touts, just to name a few groups.

Recommended reading[edit]

"The Art of the Deal", by Donald Trump

"Hitler is an Ass" by Gottlieb Assburger, Zeitschrift für psychoanalytische Psychologie der Ausgrenzungen und Anwandlungen, October 1937

"The Oprah Effect", The Prairie Home Psychology Companion, June 1997

The O'Reilly Factor by Michael Moore (Random Gouts, 2002)

Any Uday Above Ground Is a Good Uday by Uday Hussein (Baath Party Press, 2003)

My Life by Dr Phil (PhD, Dip Shit, Ass. Hat) (Vanity Publishing 2005)

See Also[edit]