Wilt Chamberlain

Wilt gives a shout-out to his favorite kid, Unnamed Chamberlain Project 100, after defeating the Chicago Bulls 264 - 17.

“Float like a butterfly, fuck like a rabbit.”

~ Wilt Chamberlain

Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain is considered by many as possibly the best basketball player of all time. To this day he still holds the record for most points scored in a game (100), most rebounds in a season (903), and most women slept with (over 600,000 and counting). Wilt Chamberlain also admitted that he used to consort with buffaloes, which puts him on equal footing with Dennis Rodman.

Early years

Wilt conceived himself, after somehow impregnating his own mother and both of her sisters, in 1936. In 1955, at just 18 years old, he stood over 9 feet tall and sported a lovely Afro hairdo. Unfortunately for him, his hair was maimed in a catastrophic ceiling fan accident, leaving him standing a mere 7'1".

When Wilt began his profession in basketball, he was told he would never be able to succeed because he was too tall and a black man. On top of that, he refused to take the drugs his coach offered to the whole team, for he was too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle. But Wilt soon showed everyone that basketball, and cross-country fornication, were made for the tall, black man. After only two seasons, Wilt averaged around 100 points a game and slept with the mommas of those who said he would never make it as a player, bar none.

Wilt probably fucked your mom, or your grandma, or both!

Chamberlain started to become a nationwide sensation. The more points he scored on the court, the more he scored off the court with the ladies. Because Chamberlain was a black man in a time when the white man was a racist son of a bitch, he was forced to begin his career with the Philadelphia 69ers pro bono. To rebel against the white oppressors, Wilt celebrated each victory by having sex with all of the opposing team's wives and girlfriends. When Wilt won MVP in 1968, he upped the celebration by not just seducing the wives and girlfriends of his opponents, but also his own teammates' wives/girlfriends, and a few of his teammates.

By the time Wilt retired in 1977, he had slept with half of the planet, including your mom's mom, her grandmother and probably even her grandfather and his grandfather's grandmother. Though scientific limits prevent us from learning about his exploits beyond that, we wouldn't bet against his conquests predating the Cambrian period.

Is he the greatest of all time?

Not many people knew Wilt was only born with one leg, but the origin of his nickname "The Stilt" soon became evident.

The argument of who is the all-time greatest Basketball player has been going on for years. Some say the best is Michael Jordan, others say it is Magic Johnson or Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Some even say it's some white dude or that rapist who might have raped some privileged white girl once. Nevertheless, some will argue till they are blue in the face that the best is Wilt.

Wilt is the best?

• Scored 100 points in a game, nearly halting progress on the world's first scoreboard.
• Scored with more women than Magic Johnson and never contracted the AIDS virus.
• Scored with Magic Johnson and still didn't contract AIDS.
• Fucked people's wives and girlfriends without his own wife finding out about it.
• Only member in the NBA who ever fucked a basketball to death.

Wilt isn't the best?

• He led the league in assists only because he was a bigger ball hog then Pickles, the magical basketball-playing boar.
• No one believes he fucked anyone. At least when Magic got AIDS, it proved he really did "get some."
• Did anyone actually see him score 100 points? At least when other players fail to match his record, they're playing teams that aren't predominantly legally blind.
• Did anyone actually see him score with 100 women? Witness testimony confirms he's slept with seventy two women at once on two separate occasions, but never 100.
• No one asked him to star in Space Jam.

Verdict and overview

Wilt took the Freudian aspects of basketball very seriously.

So was it true that Wilt is the greatest of all time at basketball and attracting pussy? It's hard to tell now that Wilt is no longer with us. He died in 1999 from a massive heart attack at an NBA all-star game, when he tried to chat up a girl sitting in front of him. When the woman turned around to to face Wilt, he found out it was actually Dennis Rodman in his Sunday best.

The argument will continue for years to come: was Wilt who he said he was, who he thought he was, or did he just blab on and on and on about who he wished he was? The world may never know.