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A typical lemur.

A lemur is a member of the highly powerful class of animals known as lemurs. Although their base of operations is somewhere in Madagascar, these radical creatures have infiltrated many countries through a carefully cultivated "look, aren't we cute and non-threatening" image. Lemurs primarily live in zoos, where they corrupt the minds of other animals; and in the houses of rich people, whom they manipulate so as to someday accomplish their Lemur Master Plan.

Many lemurs are trained in martial arts. Lemurs are so good at martial arts they can kill two full grown men with one skillful punch to the solar plexus. Anyone who has cornered a lemur has:

  1. Killed it, because the lemur realized that his life was not worth jeopardizing the "I'm so cute" lemur image, or
  2. Been killed so fast that nobody knows that lemurs are evil.

The reason so few deaths are attributed to lemurs is that the lemural media covers them up in a global lemur conspiracy. All deaths in Madagascar are lemur-related. When someone says that they died of natural causes, lemurs did it. They came into the house, and killed them.

Lemurs enjoy martyrdom. This is why they pose such a threat to America's national security. Those afraid of terrorists should avoid Madagascar, because lemurs will attack with suicide bombs. Again, they are ninjas.

Should we be afraid of lemurs?[edit]

No. You should be TERRIFIED. Lemurs are like Albanians. You've never heard of them before, then suddenly, boom! they're nuking the whole world and the American flag is burning, and a man tries to pour water on it, but it can't go up high enough, and then the fire hydrant explodes, and you think, "Good, at least the American flag will stop burning", and then you realize that you're actually in Canada.

To quote an expert on lemur affairs:

Lemurs are "Black hole inhabiting, kung-fu trained, demon summoning, phase-shifting, 4-handed, nano-boosted, water walking, teleporting, soulless, bullet dodging, furyan, invisibility cloaked, CIA top asset skilled, shine-eyed, bio-enhanced, genetically engineered, undead, gun kata mastering, flying ninja, bear cavalry killing proficient, mind reading, lightsaber-wielding, force-using, immortal sith master Lemurs, armed with five rocket launchers, MIDGIT BOWLERS."

If you're thinking to yourself, "Wait a second... when I was in Madagascar, the lemurs seemed absolutely adorable. How can they be plotting all of our deaths?", then go back to Madagascar, right now! We don't want you! You're either on our team, or the enemy's. You get your plane ticket, and you go right on over to Madagascar, try to infiltrate their organization, and live a communal life with the female lemurs of the capital city of Madagascar, Osama Bin Laden-land.

What can we do about this lemur situation?[edit]

King Julien, the evil overlord of lemurs. He likes to MOVE IT, MOVE IT! With God as my witness, I warn you...Don't touch his royal feet!

Simply start a war with Madagascar, and maybe Mauritius too. No one is sure there were no lemurs on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers? Huh? Do we? I don't think so. Not at all. That's right. We invaded Iraq with less proof!

When you encounter a lemur, riddle its body with machine gun ammunition. If it looks like it's dead, continue shooting it. They are very good actors, and it is believed that they can pretend they're dead by letting blood leak out of their body, and stopping all brain function. Can we be sure of this? No. Why? Because everyone that has had the privilege of seeing a lemur playing dead quickly died of a quick punch to the solar plexus.

When you are quite sure that that little mound of fur and blood is dead, shoot it some more. Try to call the younger members of the lemur tribe to their mother/father. Then shoot them too. When there is just a huge mound of blood and fur, spit and urinate on their bodies for a while. If they are still pretending to be dead, this may call them into action.

Then grab a flame-thrower and burn them! Take the ashes, and burn those, too. When you have the ashes of the ashes, travel to the four courners of Madagascar, and throw a bit of the ashes around.

What about Zaboomafoo?[edit]

He was just leap, leap, leaping along, leap, leap, leap, when suddenly he took away your rights and freedoms, and your democracy, and the American flag was burning, and your kids were telling you that they wanted to go and live in Madagascar. Think about that. Your kids are beings brainwashed by a puppet that represents evil incarnate! When they were wondering how to get support from the next generation of kids, the lemurs realized that they could start a children's program. They had noticed that kids seemed to like purple dinosaurs well enough. In the end, however, they did not want to reveal anything about their true identities. So they got a puppet to be a lemur. A puppet! Today, millions of children view lemurs to be the image of perfection and innocence based purely on their loyalty to an idol that isn't even really what it looks like. We are through the looking glass, people.

Next time you see your child watching Zaboomafoo, punch him/her in the face. It is important that they begin to associate lemurs with pain and evil. Your kids might hate you, and you might feel a sick sense of enjoyment, but all of those feelings are irrelevant. The important thing is that your kid continue loving America. Get them to watch FOX instead. Now that's a loyal animal... one that would defend our country against a lemur-related military crisis. Your kids are the future! Make sure that they are properly militarily trained for any impending war against lemurs. Call them homosexuals so that they will be ready for the army. Force them to carry you on their backs for 4 mile hikes just so that they know the pains of military campaigns. Get small animals and teach your children to shoot them, torture them, and burn them just like they would kill a lemur.

Finally, join a Border Patrol team and monitor the borders for any incoming lemurs. They should be shot on the spot, and not given any time to answer any questions.

The last person that asked a lemur a question was found with a hole in his solar plexus, dumped into a dumpster behind a Wal-Mart store. A burial truly fit for an American patriot, but still, unacceptable from the lemurs.

Elfstedentocht of '63[edit]

Infamous rock festival at Elfstendofdf... Elfstednefot.... Slefe.... That Elfplace. During the festival thousands upon thousands lemurs suddenly descended upon the unsuspecting crowd of music lovers, killing and mutilating. To this day it is unknown why this happened but the event triggered the world wide mass extinction of lemurs and gave USA the excuse to carpet bomb Finland.

Later on, some remaining highly schooled lemurs rewrote history in a brave, yet desperate attempt to stop the mass extinction. Currently most people believe the Elfstedentocht of '63 involved a friendly ice skating tour in Friesland, The Netherlands, passing the eleven cities (Elf Steden) along the way.