“When you're Russian to find a ruler, there's no time for Stalin!”
Leon Thinkshessocoolovich Trotsky,
☭ $ (Russian: Leo Tolstoy, Cyrillic:Адольф Бронштейнович Рабинович) (November 7, 1879 August 21, 1940) - was a revolutionary, an army general, a prolific writer, an intellectual, and a polyamorist specializing in Mexican painters and Finnish peasants. However, his greatest legacy is his philosophy of permanent factionalism and split-hair revolutionary dialectics.
Leon Trotsky was born Leonard 'Lev' Bernstein to a Jewish family in the Backofbeyondgrad in Russia. Sent into exile for being a 'clever dick' at school, he changed his name to 'Trotsky' (after toying with Runsky and Dingleberries) to "attract more rebel girls", according to one of his many autobiographies. Since most of the cool Bohemian chicks were into socialism, Trotsky boned up on Marx and became a zealot, as was all the rage at the time. He wrote in another one of his dozens of autobiographies.
With other exiles from tsarist Russia across Europe, Trotsky formed the Russian Social Democratic Revolutionary Labor-Peasant Dockside Cold Blooded Necrophilia Killaz [Internationalist]. It was really a fancy name for what was a youth gang, with communist and crip associates like Lenin, Stalin, and comrade Coolio who was on tour there at the time. Trotsky presented his thesis "Toward Permanent Factionalism" at the Second Congress of the RSDRL-PPDCBK[I] in early 1903, but some confusion has arisen, because by late 1903 the party had already become the International Socialist Third Street and Grant Boulevard Gangsta Disciples [Don't Play no Bullshit] (ISTSGBGD[DPB]). The change was due to a dispute with ex-member Comrade Snoop Dogg who reportedly "spat game" at Trotsky. Snoop was expelled but re-joined the party when his friend 'Hey Joe' Stalin got control of the Soviet Union.
Trotsky summarized his theory thusly: "A political organization must maintain its ideological purity by ensuring all of its members engage in group-think at all times. In the face of deviation the Pure must resort to liquidationism if in the majority, or factional splitting if in the minority." Amid cries of "nonsense," Trotsky's proposal was defeated. He promptly split the party and took with a group known as the Mensheviks (Russian for 'Teacher's Pets'). Lenin led the other group who took the name Bolshevik (Russian for 'The Lads'). Another group of revolutionaries refused to join either and became known as the Munchkinviks and emigrated to Oz.
By the time the Russian Revolutions rolled around in 1917, historians estimate there were 967 revolutionary Marxist groups in Tsarist Russia. Trotsky had been involved with 966 of them. Only the Munchkinviks had refused to have him.
The Russian Revolution
Trotsky, being a smartypants and all, had a caveat antithesis to his central theory of Permanent Factionalism which he called Permanent Regroupment. "Under conditions of revolution, when the proletariat are about to seize power, all revolutionary factions should reunite to act as a Vanguard leading the proletariat to victory." When he wrote this Trotsky was actually in New York when he was deported for some awful film work in the film The Official Wife as a mad eyed, axeman trying to kill his best friend.
Trotsky made his way back to Russia and re-joined the Bollingerviks. He immediately declared his old friends in the Munchkinviks as 'class enemies' and urged their elimination till Lenin (also returning home) instead asked Trotsky to create a new force to be called the Red Army. He was given a bass drum, a flute and a bandstand uniform and told to get on with it. Trotsky agreed. He proved to be a successful general, fending off imperialist-capitalist invader meanies and assorted royal scum in the name of the Revolution. Along the way, he also rolled up on Nestor Makhno and straight wasted those fools. "Mahkno the Perogy-Chucking Clown" was a former rival of Trotsky, and the bitterness between the two men had never subsided.
Trotsky's Train Kept a Rollin'
Trotsky commandeered a train and made that his HQ. His orders for the Red Army was to hit hard and be ruthless with enemies. The new force enthusiastically followed this orders. Russians who were unfamiliar with proletarian slang were shot and anyone who spoke another language besides Russian were placed in prison. Trotsky was self-exempted (he spoke Russian, Yiddish, German, French and Bronx - from his New York days).
The revolutionary expected the rest of Europe would follow the Russian example but nothing happened at first. Lenin forced Trotsky to parley with the Germans who were handed all of Western Russia up to Belarus. Trotsky was then able to fight the local White Russian Armies led by Generals Denikin and Wrangel. The were eventually beaten and the Soviets regained the Ukraine but got stopped by the Poles just outside Warsaw. Trotsky wanted to continue the war till Lenin said he needed him back in Moscow.
Expulsion and Exile
After the Civil War ended, Trotsky settled down more autobiographies and world revolutionary junk mail shots. In 1924 his old drinking buddy Lenin kicked the bucket. Shortly before his death Lenin authored a tome entitled "The Future of the Leadership of the Revolutionary Proletarian Vanguard Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Following My Untimely Expiration From Bourgeois Syphilis." In a codicil attached on the back with a paper clip Lenin stated:-
Comrade Stalin is a smelly hog who wallows in his own decaying excrement. If he is not removed from the leadership of The Party, the Workers' and Peasants' and Laborers' and Freeloaders and Science Teachers' state will fall back into capitalist excrement, as Stalin will unleash a river of diarrhea so foul it will engulf all. Except cool people like me, we're too cool for shit like that to happen to us. Haha, get the pun? Shit? Lenin went on to praise Trotsky, noting his absurd sense of Jewish humor, popularity amongst women comrades and his belief in the utility of red boxers.
Lenin added he 'preferred men with beards' (like his), compared to Stalin's droopy moustache. Stalin, however, had a nefarious following of psychopathic goons who plotted a silent coup through violence, intimidation and blackmail. The latter was Trotsky's undoing.
Lenin died and his body placed in a glass box inside a concrete tomb located by the Kremlin. The Russian communist leaders paid their respects and set about holding a vodka wake on the roof. Trotsky was elected HNIC of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, People's Commissar of People's Inspectors of Wheat, and Mayor of the Soviet Socialist Federated Revolutionary City of Moscow, however, the results where rigged by Stalin, who won (to the horror of all in the Kremlin). Shrewdly fearing for his life, Trotsky and his faction, the Revolutionary Left Opposition Tendency of the Left Opposition faction of were then purged. Trotsky was kidnapped by his former friends and then got bundled onto the night with a one way ticket out of the country.
Trotsky kicked around all over Europe before heading to Hollywood - hoping to revive his stalled film career. He called upon his followers to enter the largest socialist organizations in their country, recruit new members to their factions, and split the parties. "In this exercise we shall see the rise of Permanent Factionalism re-solidify the ideological basis of Pure Marxism." They were so successful in France they managed to break away from the Revolutionary Socialist Labor International Peoples' Party with a staggering 41 members. This didn't last long, however, as the Revolutionary Left Opposition Tendency of the French Revolutionary Socialist Labor International Peoples' Party splintered into seven smaller groups, all of which are still active in France today, where they produce and sell newspapers and pamphlets about Permanent Factionalism to students at protest demonstrations.
Trotsky's life in exile was sometimes rough, however. Some of his host countries weren't fond of communists, especially former army generals who preached open revolution against the established government. It did become fashionable in certain liberal social circles to have Trotsky about. For some time he was the toast of Manhattan. "Back then, every debutante wanted a Trotsky," wrote Dorothy Parker. "So did every foul-mouthed hard-drinking open-legged broad like me." He was never able to stay anywhere very long, as he was convinced Stalin hired assassins to stalk him wherever he went. Psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich judged Trotsky "clinically paranoid."
Whilst Trotsky carried on stirring up trouble for Stalin, his former comrade retaliated by arresting 50% of the population and 90% of the Communist party as criminal conspirators in league with him. Stalin put on trial everyone who had ever said a kind word about Trotsky before his exile in a series of trials known as the Great Purges. Between 1935 and 1939, Trotsky's christmas card mailing list shrank from three million down to three. Stalin also had any remaining Trotsky family members executed and when he ran out of obvious victims, then started on his own supporters to keep everyone afraid. Trotsky of course denounced Stalin but hinted that he 'understood Joe' and would have done the same thing if he was still wearing his hat around the Kremlin.
Ice Axes of Evil
Comrade Stalin, the glorious leader of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was none too fond of Trotsky. To demonstrate his unimpressedness, he is thought to have demanded Trotsky's assassination, although some historians believe what he actually asked for was a plate of cream crackers, lightly fried, and arranged with a small lobster. It was hard to tell which because of the aforementioned paranoid mumbling. So loyal Communists were ordered to track down Trotsky and arrange 'revolutionary retirement' parties for him and his allies.
Trotsky had hoped to stay in America but his visa ran out and he was dumped over the Rio Grande into Mexico. His cause had been taken up by the bushy browed and hairy toed Frida Kahlo. She persuaded the Mexican government to let Trotsky stay so he could finish his latest autobiography. To help his concentration, Frida painted him in the nude and danced with a python in sleazeball truckers hang out called the 'Trotskyite Titty Twisters. For the first time in years, Trotsky felt more like a man than a ranting revolutionary.
But for Trotsky, the axe was about the fall hard. In 1940 a Mexican turned up on his doorstep asking for lessons in climbing Mount Everest. He was really an assassin called Ramon Mercader. He came with a rucksack, skis and an ice pick. Mercader wanted to show his enthusiasm and made base camp with a blow to Trotsky's head. Bizarrely, Trotsky insisted Mercader try again and was killed.
News of Trotsky's dead spread quickly and was welcomed by everyone, including exhausted book publishers. Frida mourned her lost lover and the few Communists who now called themselves 'Trotskyites' marked their mourning by targeting innocent mountaineers. Eventually the fuss died down and Trotsky was buried in Mexico. Stalin celebrated by making the assassin Mercador a Soviet general - when he was released from a Mexican prison. Trotsky's activities and writing were cut back drastically when he died. He also lost much of his political career at this point.
The Legacy of Permanent Factionalism
Trotsky started the fourth International with his three good friends Ernest Mandel, Ted Grant and Inspector Closeau. The aim was to unify all communist all over the world into one gigantic political organization big enough to stand up against Stalin. Mandel soon broke out to build his own fourth international to unify all the intellectuals in the world under his flag, while Ted Grant joined the labor party in order to organize up a fourth international of his own working inside of labor. Trotsky the found himself left alone with Inspector Closeau when he decided to call it a day.
It was later discovered that it was not their different political views that caused the factionalism, but their hats. Mensheviks wore a large fur hat and considered themselves superior to Bolsheviks who wore a simple common man's cap. Trotskyites tried to use the large fur hat but were beaten up by the Mensheviks, led by Manny "The Menace" Menshevik, who stole their hats and kicked them in the balls. This caused Trotsky to change to backward baseball hats, but he was before his time and the style did not take off. Most of his members left Trotsky and defected to the Mensheviks because they wore the best hats and that got them laid. Depressed, Trotsky gave up political writing and instead wrote pornographic novels about women making love to him while wearing fur hats. This naturally led to his next endeavor as a pimp.
Trotskyites can still be found today. In Britain they can be found meeting in tiny little huddles at universities and in the upstairs rooms of working men's clubs. You might even be fortunate enough to spot one at your Trade Union meeting, ranting and raving about Marx and Trotsky like hes the boss of everything. Due to the legacy of Permanent Factionalism the various sub-species of Trotskyites can be hard to tell apart, but here is a quick guide:
The Socialist Workers Party (Borgeoirus Aggressivus) can usually be found in streets and shopping centres aggressively looking for recruits and subscriptions to their stupid newspaper. They are the largest and most dangerous of the species, and are easily startled by the presence of "nart-zees" and their own reflections.
The Alliance for Workers Liberty (Champagnia Socialistica) are on the verge of exstinction, with only around 70 left in the wild. May have something to do with their policy of 'sexual freedom' for paedophiles (seriously, this is NOT a joke, they ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS!)
The Socialist Party (Proletarius Propagandus) perhaps the most working class of all sub-species. These people spend most of their time pining for the time when they were part of the Labour Party and had a whole 3 MPs (known within the group as 'the MP3 era')
The Scottish Socialist Party (Proletarius Propagandus Scottia) as above, but with ginger hair and skirts.
The Communist Party of Great Britain (Orthodoxus Stalinica) A seldom-seen and long-thought to be extinct sub-group which. by some unknown quirk of evolution, is able to produce a daily newspaper
- Glorious First Peoples' Comrade Among the People Josef Stalin
- The Undead People's Socialist Republic
- Leon Trotsky Fans