The Undead People's Socialist Republic
UUUURRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! The Undead People's Socialist Republic U.P.S.R | |||||
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| Motto: BRAINS! | |||||
| Anthem: "Oh, I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside" | |||||
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| Capital | Zombiegrad | ||||
| Largest city | Zombiegrad | ||||
| Official language(s) | Various grunts, moans and bodily emmissions | ||||
| Government | Undead Socialist/Trotskyite Communism | ||||
| Most Glorious Undead Comrade/Most Glorious Leader | Leon Trotsky, Zombie Stalin | ||||
| National hero(es) | Dead Trotsky, Dead Che Guevara | ||||
| Established | August 21st, 1941 | ||||
| Currency | black cock | ||||
| Religion | THERE IS NO GOD IN THE U.P.S.R!!! | ||||
| Population | 75,000,000 | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Dead white dudes, dead black dudes, dead Asian dudes, dead Aborigines, dead dudes with no skin at all | ||||
| Major exports | Communism, Diseases, Hollywood film franchises | ||||
| Major imports | Brains | ||||
| National animal | Dead Bear | ||||
| Favourite pastime |
Grunting, eating brains, destroying Capitalism | ||||
| Hours of operation |
9.00am - 5.30pm | ||||
| Internet TLD | .upsr | ||||
| Calling code | 000000000000 | ||||
“Fuck! They're all green and stinky and stuff!”
“Kulaks, Mensheviks and traitors the lot of them!”
“They wouldn't let me in and I've been dead since the 60's... OH SHIT!”
“Dead And Red muthafucka!”
“Uh, men, lark theer mast be tin or lark three meelliun red zumbies, men!”
Overview - WTF?[edit]
Wherever the decomposing corpses of workers shamble free, no longer under the brutal yoke of capitalist oppression, that is where you shall find the U.P.S.R. Although for all intents and purposes a unified nation, the U.P.S.R, is in fact a unified federation of collectives, dependancies and minor nation states scattered all over the world. Whilst the sovereignty of many of these nations is not internationally recognised, under the maxims of Undead Socialism: "Wherever a Socialist government is established for the freedom of the Undead proletariat, for freedom from the chains of unfair labour under the hateful, avaricious gaze of unflinching mortal bourgeoisie masters, that place shall become unified with the Most Glorious Undead People's Socialist Republic and all believers in the true revolution shall call these brave men comrade".
The U.P.S.R was established by Most Glorious Undead Comrade Leon Trotsky on August 21st, 1941 (one year after his death) in an abandoned tank factory in the southern Ukraine, which would later become the Palace of the Undead Proletariat in the U.P.S.R's capital, Zombiegrad. Within a few months of the news of its founding, the immigration rate of the U.P.S.R overtook that of its nearest rival, the U.S.A (sound of man spitting in disgust) and the population exploded (in some cases, literally) to 20,000 dead comrades. Since then over 300 separate states have been recognised and allowed to join the U.P.S.R and the population currently stands at over 70,000,000.
The main political, military and ideological goal of the U.P.S.R is to establish an Undead Socialist state across the face of the globe according to the principles laid down in Most Glorious Comrade Trotsky's legendary book "Zombie Nation" and in the process emancipate all workers, destroy capitalism and false communist ideologies and if necessary, kill every single human being and resurrect them, thus introducing them to the joys of a free undeath.
Famous Citizens[edit]
The various states of the U.P.S.R include many famous and often honourary citizens, these include: -
George Harrison (honourary)
Dan Túrrel (honorary..NOT!)
John Lennon {honourary}
Paul McCartney (conditional - he must first admit that he really is dead)
Princess Diana (currently on loan to the Daily Express)
George Romero (honourary)
Your Mom (honourary, technically as the joke can be considered dead)
Your name here (conditional, you must be deceased)
A Brief History of the Most Glorious U.P.S.R[edit]
In an incident that will be remembered by all true supporters of the Revolution, Most Glorious Comrade Leon Trotsky joined the Chorus Eternal (which of course does not exist, see below) after receiving an ice-pick through his most mighty brain at the hands of a cowardly Stalinist running-dog on August 21, 1940 whilst like, totally not in exile in Mexico. However, such was his revolutionary fervour that only two days after his burial, our Most Glorious Comrade clawed his way out of the grave to assume his new title. Realising that his resurrection was a providential sign to continue the Revolution, even in death, Trotsky immediately smuggled himself on to a cargo ship departing for Great Britain.
Shortly after docking (and some brutal decapitations - hey those bourgeoisie aren't going to overthrow themselves, you know)), Trotsky thumbed a lift to London and made a bee-line to Highgate Cemetery and the grave of Karl Marx. Standing over the grave, which was now splattered with sacrificial offal, Trotsky played two tape reels, one a copy of "The Communist Manifesto" and the other a copy of the "Necronomicon", both freshly liberated from the house of his friend and one time lover Frida Kahlo. However, after a full two hours of unholy ritual in the light of a full moon, Trotsky realised that his idol and comrade, Karl Marx was to badly decomposed to be resurrected. Disappointed, Trotsky set about bringing about the revolution with his own (decaying) hands.
Managing to smuggle himself back into the U.S.S.R, Trotsky immediately set about finding a base from which to launch his new revolution. This transpired to be an aging tank factory in the Ukraine and after personally dispatching and then resurrecting the remaining workers, set about building his new capital, Zombiegrad. With a bodyguard of a few dozen zombies and construction on the new "Palace of the Undead Proletariat" under construction, Trotsky hid himself away in order to write a legal and ideological code for his new nation. The first law he came up with was to ban all ice picks from his, as he now called it, "Undead People's Socialist Republic", which, to be fair, was more than understandable. A few months work soon resulted in his legendary book, "Zombie Nation" and the precise formulation of his new communist ideology, "Undead Socialism" (see below). As Trotsky himself said at the time, "Life as we know it is about to end, literally".
With the book written and the promise of free brains bringing in more zombies to the infant U.P.S.R by the day, Trotsky hit upon the idea of hiding the pages of "Zombie Nation" inside a cover of the Gideon Bible in order to get a free distribution deal to most of the world's major hotels for the purposes of converting the mostly bourgeoisie clientele to the joys and freedom of Undead Socialism. The plan was a rip-roaring success, with hundreds following the instructions for ritualised suicide in order to come back as an Undead Socialist. Indeed, such was the success of this plan, Trotsky had to admit over thirty new states into the U.P.S.R during WWII alone. Whilst more cynical historians have noted that most of these suicides were just a handy way of avoiding the draft, Trotsky has since replied "Go fuck yourself!", thus enhancing his "take-no-shit" persona.
With his arch-enemy Josef Stalin no longer distracted by the war and the rise of McCarthyism in the U.S.A, the 1950's would prove to be a turbulent decade for Trotsky. Many attacks by Russian troops, ordered by Stalin to destroy the "haven for traitors" now on his door-step resulted in catastrophic failure, with any casualties caused on either side simply resulting in more of the dead rising in support of Trotsky. By 1956, it was official Soviet policy to dispose of all bodies by cremation and a huge wall manned by over a million soldiers surrounded Zombiegrad with orders to prevent any further expansion by the U.P.S.R into the "Virgin Lands" of the Ukraine.
Meanwhile in the U.S.A, the wave of anti-communist hysteria led by Senator McCarthy resulted in some more effective methods of "eradication". Well organised militias and U.S Army taskforces attacked and in most cases destroyed any pockets of Undead Socialist sympathy in the Americas. These brutal methods of eradication have since been well documented in a controversial series of films by George A. Romero which, a few decades later, earned him honourary U.P.S.R citizenship. Over all though, these methods were counter-productive as many Undead Socialists fled to Zombiegrad, swelling its population and encouraging sympathy for Undead Socialism In other parts of the world. Complete failure by the U.S.A to eradicate Undead Socialism in Cuba had resulted in a firm stronghold in the Americas for Trotsky from which he could carry out such propaganda exercises as the Cuban Missile Crisis in order to ridicule his enemies.
Indeed, throughout the 1960's, Trotsky invested a lot of time and money in Cuba, ruling it through his mortal puppet, Fidel Castro. However, Trotsky was most interested in Castro's right-hand man Che Guevara, whose career he observed with vested interest. Praising his success in securing support for Undead Socialism in Latin America and Africa (both regions of the world with high mortality rates and thus loaded with potential converts), Trotsky invited Guevara over to Zombiegrad after his assassination in Bolivia by U.S puppet agents, where he was made Minister of the Inferior and Chairman of the Board of Braaaaaiiiiiins.
The 1970's and 1980's, despite being turbulent decades for the rest of the world, were relatively uneventful years for the U.P.S.R. However, being the golden age of the horror movie, huge resources were poured into pro-U.P.S.R propaganda by Trotsky. This lead to a long-running tradition of zombie-orientated film in Hollywood, which despite representing everything that the U.P.S.R was opposed to, led to an ammendment to the U.P.S.R constitution allowing its citizens to work as extras in these films.
Many saw this "radicalisation" of the U.P.S.R to be a sign of its ideological decline, but as Trotsky himself pointed out, "Try claiming Undead Socialism is corrupt when there are two dozen zombies dragging their decaying asses through your trailer park and chowing down on your red-neck jugular. Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself!" Technically speaking, this amendment was not contrary to Undead Socialism at all, as the most any one zombie could be paid was as much brains as they could carry and brains had been a recognised imported commodity/pseudo-currency since the U.P.S.R's inception.
The 1990's saw the rise of the computer game and once again Trotsky was quick to utilise this new medium for propaganda purposes, especially targeting the malleable young minds of children and teenagers. The U.P.S.R quickly bought up/extorted 85% shares in the games Doom, Resident Evil and House Of The Dead, which would then go on to enjoy commercial success and critical acclaim as popular game franchises. Once again the U.P.S.R constitution was ammended to allow U.P.S.R citizens to provide voice-overs for the games.
Trotsky's last laugh came in 1991 however, with the collapse of his arch-enemies, the Soviet Union. With the army of the Russian Federation, as it was now called, forced to withdraw from the newly independent Ukraine, U.P.S.R troops were quickly able to spill over the now unguarded wall and claim huge territorial gains throughout Eastern Europe. Although a NATO taskforce was able to drive back the majority of the U.P.S.R army, the U.P.S.R were still able to retain substantial territory in the Ukraine, Belarus, Poland and Moldavia (which renamed "Mouldavia" by Trotsky in honour of its now majority undead population).
After the success of "The Glorious Surge" as it had now been labeled, the U.P.S.R made a point of making itself as much of a nuisance to the international community as possible. Perhaps the most famous incident was the "Saskatchewan Missile Crisis", where the U.P.S.R was accused by the U.S.A of placing nuclear missiles in an Undead Socialist Territory in the Canadian state of Saskatchewan with intent of launching them at U.S cities. It eventually transpired, after considerable diplomatic wrangling and countless hours of brown-trouser time that the missiles were fake and had been placed as decoys to fool U.S spy planes. Whilst the U.S military was distracted by having to mobilise a military taskforce on the American/Canadian border, countless collectives within U.S territory were able to expand unhindered. As a result of this incident, the U.P.S.R were banned from all international sporting events (a huge blow to the U.P.S.R's three-times gold medal winning gymnastics team) and placed under a huge trade embargo.
This semi-official "Aggravation Policy" has even continued right up to the present day. In January 2009, the U.P.S.R announced that its space program was now well under way and that it plans to put the first zombie on the moon by 2012. Plans leaked to the world media suggest that not only does the U.P.S.R have an astronaut training program, but is also designing machinery to write the words "FUCK YOU AMERICA!" onto the moon. These plans have neither been confirmed nor denied by Trotsky and doubtless the U.S military will intervene at some point to prevent these plans from reaching fruition.
Government And Politics[edit]
The system of government in the U.P.S.R is as simple as it is unique, seeing as it is based on the maxims of Undead Socialism and the constitution penned from those maxims by the Most Glorious Leader. Although it would be possible to describe the U.P.S.R as essentially a Marxist-Leninist dictatorship with some elements incorporated from Western democratic governments, not only would this be highly inaccurate, but suggesting this would also lead to your swift execution.
Leon Trotsky is, as his title suggests, Most Supreme Leader of the U.P.S.R and it is to him that the majority of the task of government is left. He is however, assisted in all matters by a cabinet of Ministers based on the Soviet model, which for some matters is broken up further into Boards for the ease of policy formation. Who takes up these posts at any one time is decided entirely by who is currently in favour with the Most Glorious Leader. Although the occupants of these posts changes with a startling regularity, the number and nature of these posts remains the same, as stated in the original draft of the U.P.S.R constitution. These posts are as follows: -
- Most Glorious Leader (currently Leon Trotsky)
- Chairman Of The Board Of Braaaaaiiiiiins (currently Che Guevara)
- Minister Of The Inferior (also currently Che Guevara)
- Minister Of The Exterior
- Minister Of The Cracking Of Traitorous Heads
- Minister Of Ill-Health
- Undead People's Commissar (reserved for Paul McCartney)
- Secretary Of State For Minding Your Own Business
- Secretary Of State For Pissing Off America (Currently Giovanni Lemos Caputo)
- Secretary Of State For Get Back To Work
- Chairman Of The Board Of Eating Children, Families And Schools
- Chairman Of The Board Of Propaganda (currently George Romero)
Although the cabinet is invaluable for the purposes of advising the Most Glorious Leader, he retains the right of veto and it is he alone who has the power to decide and instigate policy.
Because of the nature of the U.P.S.R (i.e. large and heavily fragmented), each state within the U.P.S.R must appoint at least one ambassador (in the case of larger states, entire embassies with a full compliment of administrative staff) to whom documentation is sent on a regular basis from Zombiegrad, detailing current policy. It is through a similar, but much larger bureaucracy that policy is implimented in the Zombiegrad State.
Interestingly, despite criticism from much of the world concerning the supposed suppression of democracy, it is stated in the U.P.S.R constitution that every citizen of the U.P.S.R is a member of the Undead Socialist Party. However, given the nature of the vast majority of U.P.S.R citizens, this would appear to be largely nominal.
Constituent States[edit]
At present, the U.P.S.R consists of over 300 states ranging in size from large sovereign nations to city states and even micro-states within cities and towns. Technically speaking, there are no states in the U.P.S.R as the United Nations refuses to recognise them. Pro-Undead Socialist propaganda has distorted even further the correct number of states with estimates ranging from a conservative 178 to a clearly inflated 412. Given the highly bureaucratic nature of Undead Socialist governance, the exact figure may never be truly known.
Despite this, it is possible to make a rough estimate of the number of major states and their populations: -
- Zombiegrad State - pop. 5,000,000
- The Great Surge Region - pop. 3,410,000
- Cuba - pop. 500,000
- Saskatchewan - pop. 20,000
- Florida (disputed zone) - pop. 3,170,000
- Zimbabwe - pop. 3
- The Trailer Park Confederation - pop. 15,000,000
- North Korean Territories - pop. 2,100,000
- Downtown Glasgow On A Saturday Night - pop. 34,000
- Yo Momma's House - pop. 7
Alongside these main states there are, as stated above, an indeterminate number of other minor states whose numbers grow at an estimated three every year. This may not sound like much, but the U.S.A seemed pretty pleased with itself when it added Hawaii and Alaska in 1959. And that was fifty years ago.
Foreign Relations And Military[edit]
Relations between the U.P.S.R and the rest of the world range from cool to down-right goddamned awful. As the result of its aggressive foreign policy and its controversial ideologies. the U.P.S.R has managed to gain the mistrust of the entire civilised world with the USA, Great Britain, China and Russia having particularly poor relations with the U.P.S.R. Indeed, in many cases (particularly, the USA), these tensions have led to armed conflict.
The only countries with which the U.P.S.R could be said to have good relations with are those already within its sphere of influence i.e. Cuba, North Korea, The People's Democratic Republic Of Congo and Zimbabwe.
As would befit such an aggressive nation, the U.P.S.R has a huge defence budget in proportion to its GNP. Approximately 80% of all its citizens are at least unofficial military personnel and the majority of government is dedicated to expanding the territory of the U.P.S.R as much as possible.
However, in terms of military technology, the U.P.S.R has hardly developed at all since it was founded. There is no Navy or Air Force in the U.P.S.R, only a vast army. Even so, the Army of the U.P.S.R (or the "Most Glorious Undead People's Liberation Army" to give it its full title) is comprised almost entirely of (extremely poorly equipped) infantry with no supporting armour or vehicles. This is in keeping with well-established U.P.S.R military dogma, which adheres fanatically to the "swarm-and-overwhelm" tactic. To give a very brief description, this tactic is basically to use an all-out advance of infantry in either one or a few very large waves with the express purpose of outnumbering and destroying the enemy. Whilst the casualties will be high due to the enemy's almost certain superior firepower, a large number of infantry will still make it to the enemy lines and tear them limb-from-limb. With the enemy's supplies and ammunition exhausted, both friendly and enemy casualties will now be resurrected and will be more than able to finish off any remaining pockets of resistance.
In spite of the fact that this tactic has nearly always worked in the past, U.P.S.R military advisors have invested in nuclear weapons (constructed from material looted from Soviet facilites) in order to leave a final option to fall back on in the unlikely event that an attack would fail. Most within the government of the U.P.S.R (including the Most Glorious Leader Himself) are in unanimous agreement that in the face of increasingly effective enemy weapons technology, a "second-line defence" is a sensible option.
Unfortunately, this has lead to even further condemnation by the enemies of the U.P.S.R, particularly the United Nations, which refuses to recognise the existence of the U.P.S.R until it declares the size of it's nuclear arsenal. However, this is highly unlikely to happen, as with perhaps with the exception of the higher echelons of power within the U.P.S.R, nobody is quite sure of the number of warheads in their possession. Attempts to guess range from 3 to 20 warheads, with the number most likely increasing.
Undead Socialism - A Basic Overview[edit]
Undead Socialism is a social, economic and political ideology conceived by Leon Trotsky in 1942 and is described in his best-selling book "Zombie Nation". It is the only socio-political ideology legally allowed to be used in the U.P.S.R and forms the basis of it's economy, legal system and constitution. In essence, the ultimate goal of Undead Socialism is to great a single class-less Trotskyite Communist nation who's population consists entirely of the re-animated dead. Whilst this might seem like a strange concept at first, the Five Basic Tenets of Undead Socialism, as quoted here from the first chapter of "Zombie Nation" display the hidden logic within the basic idea: -
1. "The only truly fair society is a classless one where all are equal. For centuries, humanity has agreed that the only thing that truly makes us all equal is death. Thus, in undeath we are all equal."
2. "Capitalism creates a divided and unfair society through control of labour and manufacture. The bourgeoisie are able to perpetuate an unfair society through the manipulation of the desire of the proletariat e.g. through compelling them to buy consumer products they don't really need. The dead desire nothing. Thus, the undead cannot be controlled by the bourgeoisie."
3. "One of the main problems faced in any society is the construction and maintainence of infrastructure i.e. education, medicine, food, hospitals, sanitation etc. Failure to build and maintain an efficient infrastructure causes that society to collapse. The dead do not require any of the facilities provided by an advanced infrastructure. Thus, an undead society cannot collapse."
4. "For a socialist society to spread across the world requires constant global revolution. A constant global revolution requires either an army that is undefeatable, or else nigh infinite in number. An army of the undead cannot be defeated and continues to grow as enemy casualties die, only to join the ranks of undeath. Thus, an undead revolution cannot be stopped."
5. "The other great enemy of society is time. With the passage of time, people die, cities fall, ideas fade and the greatest achievements crumble into dust. Even a socialist society must, in theory, one day falter. With undeath comes inmmortality. Thus, an undead society cannot fall."
As far as the international community is aware, Trotsky has successfully constructed a society on these basic tenets and other ideologies explained in "Zombie Nation". Shockingly, it would also appear that at least for now, these ideas are holding true.
Other elements that lead to Trotsky's shocking revelations include imagery shared by the undead and socialism. These include the use of the colour red for example (and by extension, blood) and the lack of individual personality or characterisitcs in all but the most strong-willed of the undead/socialists. Other links include a shared anti-American political stance (as documented in countless George A. Romero films) and a hatred of shopping malls and other commercial capitalist icons (see "Dawn Of The Dead").
