Dick Clark

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“I love Dick.”

~ Howard Stern on Dick Clark

“Dick was very tall and he had nice hair”

~ Larry Klein on Dick

Dick Clark demonstrating his authority upon American show business

Richard Tiberius "Dick" Clark (born 10,000 BC somewhere in what is now known as the United States) is a philosopher, zombie, former kiddie-show host, & Eternal Leader of Times Square During New Years Eve. He is credited as one of the founding fathers of rock music, or at least trying to make it palatable for children's parents to enjoy.



When little Dickie was growing up, his parents were always banging rocks together, but he always found the noise to be too obnoxious. This led to his obsession to making this "music" sound better. When he was a teenager, he found some youths in the cave next door trying to do make various noises with their vocal cords, and thought that the rock-banging might be a bit more pleasant if these guys could "ooo" and "aahh" at the same time. This led to a weekly bonfire, subsequently named American Bandstand, hosted by Clark where all the kids would gather around and dance to all these various sounds.


King Tut needed a structure to hold all of his contraband while he went out womanizing and drinking. Clark offered to build a very economical $10,000 Pyramid, but only if Tut could list all the items he would put inside it within 60 seconds. Tut was successful, and the first pyramid was constructed. Clark was sought after to build more pyramids, but due to inflation their prices skyrocketed from $25,000 to $100,000. His pyramid construction business/game show production continues today, however it is not so up front about its prices (if you have to ask how much, you can't afford one).

Annual celebrations[edit]

His weekly American Bandstand became so popular that they became the stuff of legend. Millions of teenage neanderthals were banging on the door to be let in just to get a glimpse of what eventually became known as "musicians." Clark got the idea that he could take things to the next level by dropping a giant boulder off a cliff during the coldest month of the year. If the boulder fell on enough of these annoying whipper-snappers, he could welcome in a new crop of younger, even more annoying whipper-snappers the following year, as these kids were breeding like rabbits anyway.

"Ol' Man Dicker"[edit]

"Ol' Man Dicker" is the theme song for American Bandstand. Originally, it did not have any lyrics, until Barry Manilow scrawled out a few for the 10,000th performance of Bandstand. Since then, the theme song has always been performed with lyrics:

Ol' Man Dicker
That Ol' Man Dicker
He don't know nothin'
But thinks he knows somethin'
He jus' keeps trollin'
He jus' keeps trollin' along!

Political Office[edit]

When the universe began, Dick Clark was elected Prime Minister of Time and Space. Hence, he has been regarded by most historians as an accurate basis for the calendar year. Unlike the Chinese calendar, which is based on the unreliable period of lunar phases, the American calendar year begins whenever Dick declares it so. In return for this service, masses of grateful citizens gather every year at Dick Clark's New York Mead Hall to present him with gifts and offerings. This ceremony usually culminates in the bequeathing of a large, glistening orb. The orb is meant to appease Dick Clark's love of all things shiny and assure that the passing of time shall continue.

Only once has Dick Clark failed to bless humanity with a new year. This occurred during the ceremony that was meant to commence the year 2006. Prior to the event, Dick had been angered by the fanciful and obscene antics of one Ryan Seacrest. The great and merciless Dick Clark punished the world by not granting his usual miracle of a new year. Therefore, contrary to popular belief, 2006 never actually happened.

Youthful appearance[edit]

Clark's methods for maintaining his youthful appearance have always remained a mystery. Theories ranging from deals with the devil to drinking liquid oxygen have continued to circulate over the years. In interviews, when asked about this topic, he has always responded with "eating right and exercising," which is somewhat plausible, considering that he does lift a giant boulder once a year.

Some observers on the History Channel have theorized that Clark is preserved by the same team responsible for preserving the corpse of Soviet revolutionary leader Vladimir Lenin. As part of this process, Clark's head and hands are soaked twice a week in a special chemical designed to maintain a lifelike appearance. Once a year (generally just before the new year), Clark is stripped nude and his whole body is soaked in the chemical. Before being clothed, he is orally serviced by a Bangkok whore.

It should also be noted that some time before the Cold War, Dick Clark was attacked by the vampire mastermind Blacula. At this moment, Clark was transformed into a vampire. This allowed him to remain the same age through the generations. It is thought that Dick Clark is responsible for the deaths of both Kurt Cobain and James Brown, Jr.

Possible offspring[edit]

Although none of the following individuals are willing to submit to a DNA test, it is highly likely they are the offspring of Dick Clark.

External links[edit]