Resident Evil
| Resident Evil | |
|---|---|
 The logo subtly hints at some violence and gore. | |
| Developer(s) | Pol Pot |
| Publisher(s) | Kim Jong Un |
| Release date | During an orgasm |
| Genre | Game played with a controller |
| Platform(s) | The one your mom warned you about |
| Rating | Mature 45+ accompanied by a 70 year old or a zombie |
“Could I please ask of you to walk a little slower so I have ample time to adjust my aim to blow your head off? I know you're very hungry and you want to eat me and all, but please.”
“I just acquired a trusty shotgun. Please walk toward me while I aim upward, and keep yourselves in a pack or else I'll get out of the room and come in again. A little closer. Closer. CLOSER CLARICE!”
Resident Evil is a rather successful video game franchise developed by Capcom in times so ancient that almost nobody can remember its creation, except for the few of us who are on the brink of dying of old age. It featured zombies, Super Zombies, Ultra Zombies and people who were about to help you just prior to becoming zombies. You never knew what was about to come your way when you opened a door which hinged exaggeratedly: either nothing or zombies. This concept kept the gamer on edge and awake while he was stumbling from creepy room to incredibly creepy room.
Main Characters
Chris Redfield
You can choose this character at the beginning of the game, but he has very limited sex appeal and an even more limited intellect: he goes on a ultra-perilous mission right in the belly of the beast armed with... a hunting knife (even though he can clearly be seen in the opening movie shooting at zombie dogs with a revolver, let's pretend we didn't see that.) No spoilers here, but you may want to practice that knife slash before you open the dining room door should something occur on the other side. Notice that the right-handed Redfield always slashes his knife in the same arc motion with the same metronome speed, whether he's standing alone in the room or getting his left arm frantically chewed on by zombie dogs. This man defines toughness.
Jill Valentine
You may want to choose to play the game with Jill since she has 2 more slots than Chris (in her inventory of course) and she possesses the almighty lockpick, allowing her to open some wooden doors that Chris is just too lazy to ram through. She is as handy as they come, whether you want a delicious homemade apple pie or an incoming pack of zombies gunned down and decapitated swiftly. She could be described in a nutshell as an iron boob in a velvet bra.
Barry Burton
“You were almost a Jill Sandwich!”
A bearded gun specialist who operates a funeral company on the side, Burton is a NPC, and definitely the guy with the most thoughtful insights throughout the game, like: "...BLOOD...", "...REDRUM..." and "Take these acid pills, they may come in handy." You will hear the cheesiest, dumbest and most unfunny lines ever in the game from him, a guy in his age and such situation shouldn't make stupid jokes like these.
Don't be fooled by his somewhat taciturn shell: midway through the game, he starts sobbing uncontrollably at a zombie dog gurgling on his own blood, since it reminds him of his youth when he used to kill squirrels and cats for entertainment. Nostalgia.
Albert Wesker
The Alpha Team boss. His peculiar demeanor, the fact he storms off after 2 minutes of gameplay and most of all, the fact that he wears dark sunglasses in the darkest of mansions right in the middle of the night immediately gives away that he is a despicable traitor.
Plot
Beginning
Raccoon City is in trouble since there are much more reports about flesh-eating zombies than the weekly average. The STARS Bravo Team is sent to investigate this on their own, since the city officials want to reduce their pension fund expenses. SURPRISE! They all die do not respond. A brilliant opening movie with real comedians gets us right at the edge of our seats, showing the crucial moment when the back-up arrives. The Alpha Team chopper lands and its passengers are immediately starting to investigate the spot where the Bravo Team disappeared, and they soon discover a gun on the ground. It's rather suspicious, since there is a severed hand still holding it. The lad who discovered this really has no time to prove he is a great actor since he is immediately attacked and eaten by a pack of wild zombie dogs. The totality of his lines in the game are: "Huh? What is this? *looks to his left* NO!!! ARRGHBLURGBLOBLARGHHH!!!" His acting appearance is brief, but poignant.
Mansion
After our crew makes a panic retreat to a gigantic mansion that just happens to be there, they split up to investigate. Jill goes with Barry to the luxurious dining room, where a corpse is laying as dead as can be in a pool of red hemoglobin. Being one hell of an observant guy, Barry doesn't waste too much time to exclaim: "BLOOD." Oh really?
From that point on, the horror really unfolds: there are zombies everywhere, ammunition is scarce and Barry forgets to put up his fly after going to the dirtiest restroom ever. Jill is almost crushed to death by a falling ceiling after acquiring the shotgun. (Well, she actually does get reduced to a sandwich if you don't frantically press "X" near the doors.) Barry saves Jill and acts as if he is rescuing people from falling ceilings 3 times a week and then just wanders off. This could be called a "semi-gallant" moment in the game.
Jill soon stumbles upon BRAVO Team member Richard, who explains he has been bitten by a snake and is on the verge of death from blood poisoning. He needs an antidote, and quickly! Jill remembers walking through a room full of medicines on her way with a bottle marked as 'Snake poison antidote' but wisely chooses not to waste any time with the compassion crap and enters the next room. Damn! Richard could have warned her that the snake was 30 feet long and weighed around 3,000 pounds! What a jerk! Jill then proceeds to blast away at the reptile Rambo style.
Backyard and Servant's House
Jill faces the whole kennel here, and it's pretty safe to assume she is not a PETA member. After the whole yard is littered with flesh and soaking in dog's blood, she cheerfully proceeds to the domestique's estate, a disgusting wooden shack filled with enormous spiders. Luckily though, the latter are extremely easy to dispatch, since they don't seem to feel the powerful blast of Jill's shotgun, as they just stay still while being butchered. But they can hear Jill walk.
After some more bloody skirmishes, our heroine morphs into some militarized gardener as she violently destroys some nasty invading plant. She states that it is a nice break from the blood and gore to simply pump lead into some nightmarish pot plant that just doesn't have the decency to remain still and become funny smoke.
Gamer-friendly note: It is not recommended to battle the rebellious and mutating plant while high on hallucinogens, especially if you have some plants in your personal vicinity at home. Please don't shoot at the walls.
Return to mansion and Laboratory
Now that Jill has a grenade launcher that was jealously guarded by a huge bee hive, she goes back to the mansion where Barry left some nuclear grenade rounds that are apparently meant to take down elephants and a cryptic "You'll need it." note. Jill soon understands what that meant when she comes face to face with some mutant reptilian gargoyle. It's roughly the only enemy in the game that shows some athleticism, along with 10 inches claws.
Gamer-friendly note: For added challenge and fun, try to kill this enemy using only the butter knife and plastic fork. Pay special attention to Jill's head throughout this ordeal though: you want her noggin to stay firmly attached to the rest of her body.
After Jill has cleansed the mansion of those nasty reptilians creature AND of any dust with the easy-to-use, all-in-one Incredible Swiffer Duster, she encounters that big damn snake once again. Is this thing creeping through the walls? Here's hoping that Jill didn't waste grenade rounds on crows because attempting to dispatch this enemy with the pointy head of the lock pick could prove to be a hassle. After the fight, the snake is basically telling Jill: "This time, I'm really dead, darling." by melting into some goo with a strong, acid-melting like sound. Good Riddance big boy!
Now what's left for Jill to do is to head to the Laboratory, where Umbrella has been conducting top-secret experiments, like trying to create the ultimate bio-weapon or cross breeding Justin Bieber's appeal to young girls along with Michael Jackson's formidable dancing skills. They really are mad scientists. After some routine killings, Jill contacts the TEAM BRAVO helicopter (yes, they still exist!) and heads outside to meet the wretched Final Boss.
Final Fight with Tyrant
Jill is now in a huge courtyard, helicopter circling above, with the most ultimate bio-weapon the world has ever known: meet the 20 feet tall, 25,000 pounds former plumber and occasional Uncyclopedia reader which has been injected with the T-Virus! This stuff sure as hell works! No more mister Nice Guy! Jill's strategy consists in dodging the mutant's furious attacks, like the Uppercut from Babylon (tears Jill from limb to limb after gaining 100 feet of altitude, if she's "lucky" she may be shredded by the helicopter's blades), the Wretched Satan's Hook (either guts Jill in very graphic details or separates her spinal cord, cranium and chest from the rest of her body) and the "Feeling out" Jab (simply makes Jill's head fly off).
After our heroine dodged all of these attacks by running in circles for an adequate amount of time, salvation comes in the form of a Rocket Launcher being dumped by the guys in the helicopter from 500 feet above. The reason as to why the rockets didn't explode on impact from such a fall will always remain a mystery, so will the fact that the blokes in the copter waited at least 5 minutes to finally decide to throw it down. Jill takes her aim on the despicable Tyrant and blows him into oblivion so he can join mutant monster in Paradise. She then board the helicopter and they fly in the sunset.
Reviews
Most critics actually gave the game negative reviews, but those who played it actually praised the game for its cruel violence, its vivid gore and the downright breathtaking size and cleavage of Jill's chest. Contemplating great sales in the twisted and pervert asocial community, Capcom decided to go on producing more zombie massacre games.
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The Resident Evil series
Resident Evil I • Resident Evil II • Resident Evil IV • Resident Evil V • Resident Evil: Outbreak • President Evil • Claire Redfield • Umbrella Corporation |
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Featured version: 24 April 2012 |
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