HowTo:Open a Door
There you are, stuck in the living room once again. You're looking at that foreboding, altogether evil piece of solid mahogany standing between you and the outside world. You've got a job to do, but you just can't bring yourself to go anywhere near that thing. It's hard.. It's wood.. damn it, it's something you want absolutely no part of. But its already the 5th of the month, and you know you haven't paid your rent. You've got things to do that cannot be done inside the house (such as collecting food stamps), but you're not sure how to open that freakin' door. Fear not; Uncyclopedia can help.
Step 1: Don Hazmat suit
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You've heard about wood before; notorious for termites, splinters, and spontaneous bouts of self-animation. One thing you know for certain is that you are NOT going to be eaten by your front door. A Hazmat suit will offer assistance in this area.
It is common knowledge that doors are allergic to the polyurethane vinyl material that make up Hazmat suit material. If swallowed by a suddenly blood-thirsty door, the wearer would be regurgitated immediately.
An added bonus of wearing a Hazmat suit is the fact that you'll be dealing with highly deadly anti-fungal door sanitizers in the next step. Likewise, DO NOT forget step #1 when attempting step #2, #3, or #4.
Grab the complimentary bottle of Uncyclopedia brand Industrial Door Solvent included with the purchase of this guide. Grab the dispenser in your most dexterous hand, and twist the cap to "Light Mist" (use "Strong Dew" or "Slightly Stronger Dew" for larger or particularly violent doors). With the bottle gripped firmly, inch yourself close enough for the bottle's spray to hit the doorknob. As you continue to spray the target, step closer, engulfing the entire apparatus.
(*NOTE: Once you run out of the complimentary solvent included in this Door Opening Kit, make sure to immediately reorder online at Uncyclopedia.com)
(**this could potentially be quite painful, and ought to be avoided at all costs.)
Step 3: Grab and Push (also like your mom did. Again, ooooooh.)
Once you're confident that the door's handle has been completely disinfected and sterilized, you're ready to complete the hardest task; making the door actually open. If the door is prone to spontaneous animation, you must execute this step as if your life depends on it (because, well, your life kinda depends on it).
In one steady, confident thrust, turn the door's disinfected knob and forcefully push it outwards. Conversely, if the door doesn't open that way, pull the door inwards. Should the door become animated, set your patent-pending solvent to "Significantly Stronger Dew" and douse it into submission.
Even if the door does not attack, a number of formidable dangers remain. The door might swing quicker than you'd anticipated, causing injury to you and/or the person standing directly behind it on the other side. It might also poke you with an unforeseen nail or faulty hinge, causing tetanus and possibly death. Uncyclopedia's revolutionary solvent cures these problems as well, so it is wise to apply generously, even to inanimate doors.
Step 4: Close The Door
Once you're confident that the door poses no significant threat to you or your personage, it is now safe to pass over its threshold. Once safely positioned on its opposing side, repeat the grab and push motion detailed in step #3. If done correctly, the door will shut. Use Uncyclopedia's proven solvent formula to disinfect the other side's knob, and insert your Uncyclopedia brand Customizable Door Key into the keyhole to lock the door.
Spontaneous animation in not always the only problem door-openers face. Sometimes, as illustrated earlier in this guide, doors have parallel universes, cartoon landscapes, or Roseanne on their opposite sides. To avoid problems such as these, follow this chart:
|What You See
|You might be inside The Matrix
|Contact The Mainland Distribution Corporation and have your pills switched.
|You might have been left behind.
|Contact Jesus (or Kirk Cameron) at earliest convenience.
|A NEW CAR!
|You might be making a deal with Monty Hall.
|Do NOT take the box instead.