White House
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
The White House, located in Washington, D.C., is ostensibly the residence of the President of the United States, the Chief Executive of the United States Government.
Because the office and staff of the President are located in the White House, it is common to refer to the activities of that staff as being done "by the White House." For instance, a reporter might state that "the White House responded to questions by saying...." This should not be read as saying that the building itself made the statement. Rather, when the White House itself speaks it is usually with the voice of deceased President Ulysses S. Grant, whose spirit haunts the White House, occasionally possessing it to speak with the living or drip blood from the walls.
History[edit]
Throughout history there have actually been several White Houses, the first built after the end of the Revolutionary War. America had very little money at this point, since the States refused to give the Federal Government any money unless it first did the chicken dance and said "pretty please with a cherry on top." Unwilling to sacrifice its dignity like that, the Federal Government had to rely on foreign lenders and mob bosses to finance the building of the Presidential residence. Since most lenders were unwilling to make any long term investments in America "until we see how this whole independence thing works out," there was very little money for construction.
It is also a fact that the UN provided some of the funds for the construction of the White House. Many people believe that the funds were legally laundered from small shops that Condoleza Rice liked to visit, but in fact the money came from aliens which hired the UN to take out key enemies like Albert Einstein and Issac "Hit on the head by an apple" Newton. This is why gravity is non existent and people actually buy clothes from The GAP, AK-47s from Wal-Marts,terrorists from 7-11, and condoms from Borders.
As a result the first White House was a small one and was covered primarily by an old tarp that John Adams had found in his mother's basement. The structure endured until the War of 1812, during which a British soldier stole one of the tent poles and wouldn't give it back. When the President refused to lend the subsequent mess of blankets to Canadian forces, Canada responded by setting the pile on fire, as they were not nearly as docile as they are now, and could be said to have been quite rude. Fortunately, America's victory in the war won over those lenders who had thought America would go back to being a colony eventually, and the country secured funding for a newer, better White House.
Well, Green House at first, actually. After having won the war of 1812 with their bare hands, the American Justice Coalition stepped forward and proposed a new floating headquarters for themselves, which would also solve the problem of an American capitol site. Using his alien ring, James Madison created the "Green House", which served both as the Coalition's headquarters and as the new capitol building. Later Madison paid for the building to be re-painted white to prevent it from clashing with anyone's colorful uniforms. Unfortunately, many citizens were still unsettled by the concept that a floating building held the country's leaders. In response to these concerns, the White House was sunk below the sea in the nation's new capital, Atlantis City, which lay just off the coast of Maryland.
Sadly, at the height of the Civil War, Atlantis City was destroyed when the Monitor and the Merrimack fought a furious battle above it, shattering the city's still-primitive, though fully air-tight, protective bubble dome. It was thereafter resolved that a new capital would be built in Washington, D.C., which was adjacent to Virginia. It was thought by some that this was a move to appease Southerners by placing the capital closer to their planned future artillery batteries. In fact, it was to save money: Reconstruction was still going on in the South, and Congress wanted to save money by using economical Mafia contractors.
Because the new presidential estate would be adjacent to Virginia, it was determined that it, too, should be segregated. Thus there were two presidential buildings constructed: the White House and the Black House. The plan was that a white President would use the former, and if a black President were ever elected, he would then use the latter. Through the year 2008, no President ever had a skin tone darker than the marble on the White House, and so the White House remained the only executive office building ever used by a President, such that, following the end of our nation's shameful history of segregation, it was not clear which residence a President of non-Caucasian heritage would inhabit once elected. Shortly after his election, it was announced that Barack Obama would live half of his time in the Black House, and half of his time in the White House, while his wife Michelle would live full time in the Black House. Upon the announcement, former President Bill Clinton was quoted as saying, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that."
The White House underwent significant alterations in the 20th century. During the presidency of Franklin "Gimpy" Roosevelt, the building was made handicapped-accessible, and during the presidency of Harry S. Truman, a ceiling entrance was added to facilitate aerial exit and entry by the President, who had been given super-powers by the Manhattan Project with the aim of re-creating the institution of super-human presidencies lost after the disbanding of the American Justice Coalition.
Later, following the expansion of the presidential staff — which mirrored the expansion of the American waistline — two additional wings were added. The East Wing provided a place for the So-Called First Lady and her staff, while the West Wing provided a place for television dramas and "The View" to recreate the events of the White House in a dumbed-down form. (Meanwhile, the original scaly bat-like wings were surgically removed.)
Features[edit]
The White House has certain specially developed technologies not possessed by any other place of residence:
- In the Oval Office behind a bookshelf is a secret compartment that has a ladder down to a secret room. Built in World War 2 by FDR To hide his painkillers. It has been used by every president since then. JFK's Porn collection was moved there upon JFK taking office where it was then known as Jack's Coochie Shack. Bill Clinton updated the collection and replaced Nixon's waterbed and added a mini fridge and a phone line straight to Papa Johns Pizza. Barrack Obama is rumored to have replaced the porn with a massive supercomputer that has backdoor access to every porn site known to man. Obama also uses the shack to hide his old friend, Osama Bin Laden.
- Within the Vice President's office there is a transportation device capable of bringing the Vice President to an undisclosed location. This device removes him from danger in case terrorists try to assassinate both the President and the Vice President, and it also allows him to "be" John Malkovich for a short period of time. Some suspect there is a connection between this portal and the constant vigil of Secret Service personnel outside the entrance to the New Jersey Turnpike.
- Below the White House there is also a situation room, or "War Room." The main feature of this room is the Big Board. There is no admittance without proper security clearance. Guards here are now (late 2005) taught how to spell. This is to prevent a repeat of the incident when Big Bird was admitted and an entire episode of Sesame Street was transmitted live during the preparations for a surprise cruise-missile attack on Baghdad.
- The White House is also rumored to contain the master receiver, which can access information from the microchips that were implanted into each of us at birth. This display can be used for many things, including listening to your conversations, determining what s you have visited, and exchanging your soul for goods or services profitable to the nation. It was used to bring an end to Al Capone's vicious reign of tax evasion, and was even used once by the FBI to see if the CIA had any information it might need. (It didn't.)
- The White House contains a magnet that can suck all of the money in the country directly to Washington. (Note: Doing this renders the money ineffective, preventing it from being spent on anything productive.)