Chechen Wars

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“Chechen Wars is especially my favorite Sonic level!”

~ Oscar Wilde

The First Chechen War[edit]

One of the major conflicts in modern human history. A lot is known about this big West Asian war as most documents have been intact with no change since the war in order to let everyone recreate the war in video games. What is more well known is that Crimea's refusal to succeed to Vladimir Putin's greater plan of Lebansraum caused Putin, under the guidance of Hitler, to begin a mass invasion of the small Eastern European country.

The War Spreads[edit]

When the war began to affect the export of Crimean ketchup products, many nations once neutral to the war began to join the side of Crimea which resulted in Super Hydraulic Internal Turbine Team also known as SHITT. SHITT was lead by Putin and Captain Obvious at the same time. This alliance consisting of Chechnya, Brazil, and the small mandate of India was able to defeat Hitler’s Slav supermen and return balance to the force. Hitler however soon devised a plan in which he was to send Putin back to the future to witness the American Revolution in order to re-fight the Chechen Wars and win. This resulted in both the birth of Ned Kelly 2.0 and in the spread of the war to many other countries beyond SHITT.

Eurasian Technology[edit]

Towards the end of the war, Putin, advised by his most trusted officer Chewbacca, began research into the possibility of a Death Ray - a project which would later result in the Television beoming a mainstream part of West Asian life.

The Vodka, targeting health activity of Chechen citizens, would also be developed however it would remain inactive until the development of such activity in 2003.

Chechen Victory[edit]

Eventually, Chechnya forced Russia out and declared independence.

Chechen War[edit]

Chechen Wars was released after Chechen War and is thus considered a prequel.

Review of Chechen Wars[edit]

As the sequel to Chechen Skirmishes (released as "The Chechen Rebellion"), Chechen Wars has a lot to live up to. Critics raved about Chechen Wars, with its period costumes, sweeping battle scenes, and somber exploration of man's inhumanity to man. The picture's stirring message of the futility of war resulted in a sweep at the Oscars. Sadly, Paradox Interactive's Chechen Wars is something of a let-down - cynics might even say it is just an attempt to milk Chechen Skirmishes' success for a few more dollars.

Admittedly, Chechen Wars is a visual feat and a special-effects extravaganza. Audiences have come to expect a good summer popcorn video game from Paradox, and the company doesn't disappoint: waves of islamist fighters sweep over Caucasian territory, hundreds of tanks practically fly across the vast Chechen steppes in pitched tank battles, firing as they manoeuver, and in one of the most spectacular scenes, formations of bombers emerge from a dark cloud of flak to unleash a torrent of high explosives onto the Russian factories, all while interceptors dodge and weave around the bombers' turret fire. Yet in the end, we are left thinking- what an utter waste of technology and manpower! How sad, to see so much money, and time, and the lives of so many young men wasted on this... wasted on creating these elaborate CG effects and animations.

Because unfortunately, Chechen Wars is typical of modern wars in that character development and plot must take a back seat to spectacle. If only all the effort that went into the battles had gone into a better understanding of the human psyche! The main villain, "Vladimir Putin", is simply unbelievable - his devious plans to secure South Russia and then Ukraine, his backstabbing of Chechnya, his plot to exterminate all journalists: this is the stuff of a Saturday morning cartoon villain, not a believable, psychologically complex character. What could Paradox possibly have done to create a more one-dimensional villain- perhaps have him tie a young woman to the train tracks and sneer as he twists his bald head? The loss of Crimea before the Russian onslaught is a piece of laziness on the part of the screenwriters, since the exact same thing happened in the first video game - right down to the formation surrender when the Russians appeared. It's rather like John Carmack's decision to bring back an attack on the Nazis in "Wolfenstein 3D" because he couldn't think of a more original way to end the series than to repeat the ending from something like "Doom". Really, if we wanted to play the first video game over again, we'd download an emulator. The controls are also extremely sluggish and, sometimes, broken. Finally, the running time- five years- is a too long. Surely Paradox could have edited it down to a more manageable three hours.