Soviet Union 2.0
The Glorious Eternal Empire Of Mother Russia
|Motto: "Alcoholics of all nations, have a shooter!"|
|Anthem: "Back in the Eternal Glorious Soviet Motherland"|
|Official language(s)||Russian Reversal|
|Russian Czar||Vladimir VII the Put-In|
|‑ Prime Minister||Ivan the Super-Kind Guy|
|‑ King||Peter the Not-so-Great|
|Established||Was there before anyone could remember|
|Currency||units of Communism, Ladas (equal to 0,05 dollarcent)|
|Major imports||Snow, Kalashkinovs and Vodka|
|Time zones||Time zones|
“Russia is a country where a black person would never be elected president. They wouldn't live through the winter.”
“Russia? Actually, son of the Soviet Union! Keep it under your hat!”
Russia is the world's largest vodka republic and the world's biggest source of smaller Muslim anti-vodka republics (for example, Kazakhstan, world largest producer of potassium) since 1991, commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin', a huge piece of supposedly Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticize Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus.
Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sad...they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.
Russians associate with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas.
Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form a 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia's ninja army, and also move to Russia to lay their eggs there, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.
Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won't let them say the word that sounds like 'bee' in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka.
There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.
Russia drastically changed upon the announcement of Catholic Church acknowledgement of the existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when people realized that Russia, big as it, was not a continent, and that Caspian Sea not filled with cream cheese.
Russia has long been a staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status declined since cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Russia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and the actors guild of Hollywood.
Russia was founded at some point in the past, most likely before you were born. But it's not important when Russia was founded because before 1492, the world (and mostly Europe that is) didn't know Russia existed since everybody had trouble locating it on the map. Seems that "somewhere between Danube river and Kamchatka peninsula" wasn't very clear after all.
Then, in 1492, some dude did something and discovered Russia. They named it after the people Rushians for their will to hurry others up while slacking off on the stove themselves. In Russian they used the word bistro, which means "hurry", but this goes onto yet another explanation... Yes-yes, back to the story.
So at that time, tired of watching these lazy asses sit their lazy ass off, Sauron, who was in feud with his roommate God, sent an army of orcs to wipe the nation off of the butt of the planet. Russians called them "Tartars" for their fondness of tar. The Tartars actually did pretty well and destroyed the entire Russian race. God then was pissed off and took some Bulgars from the South, proclaimed them Russian and repopulated the region. He was actually good at those SimEarthLife games.
After that came Peter the Great, the first homosexual czar. He was in fact so gay that he shaved his beard off and wore non-kneehighboot shoes. Since nobody understood his trends at the time, Peter left Moscow, went 700 km north, sat on a tree stomp and had an epiphany of himself fucking a bear. He then had bearman children (looking pretty much like Shrek) with whom they repopulated the nearby swamp and renamed it Saint-Pidorsburg. Why that? Well, ask a Russian what pidor means.
Funny thing, there is no Russia in history between November 1917 and July 1991. What happened to it during this period of time remains a veiled mystery. Some say that Russia went forth in time for 74 years. Others speculate its grouping with the less important countries to form something called USS- USSR, that is? Hah, can you even BELIEVE that bullshit! Cracks me up every time!.. USSR... Anyway. The only thing we now know for sure is that when Russia came back, there was much radiation creating such things as a two-headed eagle, beautiful females and Zhirinovsky. All male population also somehow turned into heavy drinkers and there were statues of some bald dude and mustached dude on the streets.
This all leads me to conclude that Russians now have super advanced technology allowing them to create weird stuff, but which works only on their tract of land... Fortunately.
In 1998, Vladimir Pudding led a revolution (The 393th of that year) and established a USC ("United States of Commies"). From then on, Puddıng began a secret pıece-by-pıece deployment of Russıa's underground secret forces to Lapland. As he said at his one and only press-conference given to an amnesic journalist from the country of DrunkAssPooPoos (for, gentle reader, Liffwania won the third world war, and empired Russia!). The main idea of those measures was to dig numerous labyrinths underneath the Laplandians so they one day would fall through and into those labyrinths and get lost in there. Pudding insisted that this (dubious) idea was now the State's War Doctrine, which would also bring peace to the small and poor nation of slightly obese elves — Americans who were suffering a lot from the expansionism of the Israeli-Palestinian commonwealth government. The deployment of Russıa's underground dungeon-forces began on July 3, 2005. By now, underneath the barren lands that were once Liffwania, there are 3 mechanized dungeon units digging the first "dungeon of chaos"...
In this brief period of time here, Tatu ruled Russia, as you can tell her image was good for the Russian peoples, sadly, they didn't like being barked at. It was also Jessies who originally sent the divine puppy messenger to Lenin's toilet with an epic poem tied to its neck basically telling him to start the revolution.
One particular thing about Russians is that they are very much nostalgic about Unions, they like to live in a union of countries by annexing and deporting ethnic population and Russifying them with monkey brained Russians and call the annexed country a part of Russian Union. A notable example is the former country of Karelia, where the local population was reduced to -33,000 (down from 200,000), and the Russian population was increased (by forced immigration) to 100,000, making the population overwhelmingly Russian. Karelian is actually an extinct language now, known only for the fact that the number of Karelian speakers is negative. But Russians seem to think that it is their natural right to inflict genocide on whoever they want, while calling other nations breeders of racism and fascism. You gotta love'em!
If History has taught us one thing, it is to always invade Russia at the first opportunity. During winter if possible. So if you are an aspiration despot such as Napoleon or Hitler then as soon as possible follow this lesson of history.
Currently there is only one person living in Russia, Kevin Dickson. He is in the center of Russia. Russia is currently a burning mass in which anyone or anything that walks into the fiery hell that Kevin Dickson has created will be utterly and totally dead in a fiery painful death. Currently satellite imagery tells us that Kevin Dickson is still standing in that same place waiting. It is just what for that we want to know...
Russia is actually quite similar to the United States of America. In America someone can go in front of the White House and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush. In Russia one can go to Red Square and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush.
History of Phuphaica
Another great Russian invention is phuphaica – a Russian quilted jacket made from highly praised natural fibre – phuphaikin, produced by specially selected fleas found only in their natural habitat in Siberia. Commonly worn by Russians for several centuries it was banned only recently due to the cruelty to fleas, poaching and anti–phuphelin campaign in the West Indies. Now only a few phuphelin farms are left in the whole Siberian region licensed by Russian government as ‘organic’ and overseen by UNHCF.
Now days phuphaicas have became so rare that it is only affordable to a few extremely wealthy people going through the secret ritual. First stage of the ritual usually involves fingering the Pudding by the lucky one, then he/she goes to the special place called 'Butylki' for a couple of years of meditation, enlightenment and poking and then after participating in the process called by our learned friends as The Moscow State Circus; he/she will be granted phuphaica for 9 years. Recent example is Mr. Hobotkovsky, who became a lucky owner of his own phuphaica after fingering the Pud.
Although Russian phuphaica authorities deny that the next two candidates have already been selected, independent experts have named Anatasia Romanovsky and Berez Borisovich as the latest lucky ones.
Some sources suggest that Russia is in fact governed by Lesotho, which threatens the Russian government with its impressive army massed on the frontier between Russia and Lesotho. Vladimir Pudding, the supreme czar of all the Russians, is believed to be in fact a spy from Lesotho disguised as a puppet. This fact is partly proven by the fact that he likes skiing, the national Lesotho sport, and that he could never have learned skiing in the hot deserts of Siberia.
The famous Russian talk-show The Windows, named after the infamous OS, is the most popular talk-show in Russia. It is also the only talk show in Russia, and is popular in the United States of Pedophilia, which is the country south of Russia.
Some Russian pastimes include: tormenting circus bears and invading Germany (as well as any other country that dares to exist within a 800km radius from Russia.)
Russians love their Motherland very much, the further they are from it, the more they love it. Therefore they love their Motherland most from Brighton Beach. Another national trait (as recent surveys show) is that if these Motherland lowing Russians stranded abroad were offered to choose between returning home or being shot on the spot, 156 % would choose the latter, the rest 25 % would commit suicide.
The myth that there are Russian women is just a myth. There are no Russian women, only Russian men without penises. These "women" are available for sale throughout the internet and you can buy your own one as a souvenir (even if you haven't been to the country!) by typing "free screensavers" into Google! (Scammers have been known to send krokodil addicts instead of women.) Although the UN has made such purchases illegal by international law, various Frenchmen have assisted the Russians by chopping off the minute penises of many of their own men and sending them to Russia.
Russia, like most other continents, has seasons. The only difference is that there are only 2 seasons in Russia. These seasons would be winter, and nuclear winter. Many tourists like to visit Russia during winter, only because it's slightly nicer than the alternative. There are different events that take place during winter, like the winter festival. Things that take place during the winter festival include shooting random stuff up, painting red stars on everything, and drinking lots of Vodka. There are also some fun events during nuclear winter, like the nuclear winter festival. The things that go on during nuclear winter are glow-in-the-dark parties (for obvious reasons), making festive haz-mat suits, and drinking even more Vodka. Like the tourist Ad for Russia says, "It's winter in Russia, so come visit before it's too late"
The holiday system in Russia is extremely strange. There are only a handful of non-Russians who can understand it. Actually, winter is one big holiday and it is always winter. Russians start drinking straight vodka in the middle of December and begin trying to stop when February comes. Spring, summer and fall are also holidays, similar to winter in that it is customary to drink through all of them, which is hard since they do not exist in Russia. The Russian people, being the geniuses they are, came up with the creative solution of drinking four times as much during winter (the rest of the year) to make up for it.
Of course, Santa visits Russia. However, Russians don't believe it is Santa, so they call him "Grandfather Frost". When Santa arrives at Russian Siberia, he parks his transport, drinks a lot, gets a drunken blue-faced girlfriend (Russians call her "Snow-small-bedpan") and starts his afoot-travel through the darkness. Sometimes he also becomes blue-colored, according to the amount of Vodka. That is why he needs to sleep the rest of the year.
One New Year is not enough for the Russians, so they invented a second New Year (Russians call it "Old New Year"). It is celebrated on the 14th of January. To fill the 14 days of emptiness between two New Years, patriarch of Russian Orthodox Church decided to celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January, because other world's Christmas was not very popular in Russia due to preparations to the first New Year.
In 1956, as part of the counter-revolution, after Pudding's distant great uncle, Prince Vyacheslav Bukharikov was assassinated, the Russian Orthodox Church officially laid out a set of traditions that were to be strictly followed on every holiday. Amongst these traditions are getting drunk, knife fighting, and that cool dance with the feet and the hats.
Its very easy to recognize Russian men by typical national costume of males, either:
- Leather jacket (old),
- Tracksuit (NIKI, ADODAS),
- Sports shoe
The national sports are supposed to be hockey, CSGO and football (Сука Блять). The actual national sport is litterball (Сука Блять). It resembles American football but uses waste paper instead of an actual ball. It is played on a table-top, but the players don't stand on the table-top, mostly. (A similar sport is played in Europe and the United States, but only in government.)
Politics & Government
The election process in Russia is quite simple: you have a choice between Vladimir Putin and death by rabid dogs. In the rare case that Vladimir Putin actually has some competition, the opponent disappears. This strange phenomenon is called pulling a Boris Nemtsov.
Of course, the president isn't the only government position. There is also the Prime Minister of Russia, Dmitriy Medvedev, whose main job is to take bribes from Russian corporations. For international relations, the foreign relations minister is Comrade Borat Sagdiyev. And finally, for security concerns, the FSB Minister enforces surveillance. Russia is currently searching for a new minister after the previous one, Edward Snowden, who gravely insulted the safety and surveillance under Vladimir Putin, was found dead of apparent suicide by fifty gunshot wounds in the back.
The government in Russia is entirely based upon the idea of freedom. Unlike filthy America, Russia is the most free country in the world. Under his presidency, Vladimir Putin has granted many freedoms, including worshipping Vladimir Putin, praising Vladimir Putin, and generally talking positively about Vladimir Putin. Unless that person is gay, in which case his only right is the freedom to die by a firing squad.
In the Russian province of Ukraine, politicians constantly fight each other in parliament to get things done. If things are not done in Putin's preferred way, then true Russia gets to seize another region from Ukraine. And despite American propaganda stating otherwise, Russia owns Crimea.
To sum up, the political system in Russia is much like ours; authoritarian, self-destructive, and corrupt.
This is a guide on how to survive for over 24 hours in Russia (whatever is written here probably won't help).
- Cold weapons are strongly recommended.
- In the absence of cold weapons, please get a firearm.
- In the absence of any means of self defense, do not run, sooner or later they will catch you.
- In the absence of cold weapons, please get a firearm.
- Wearing sunglasses instantly gives you +10 bonus life points. Hand and neck tattoos carry +20 bonus life points. The presence of both extras in combination with a full Adidas tracksuit makes you immortal.
- If someone offers you a walk to the distilleries — run!
- If anyone is beaten, stabbed or shot on the street, at the store, in the park or anywhere near you, you should in no way look impressed, shocked or even excited. With such behavior, the lack of a Russian citizenship will be immediately discovered and will attract unwanted attention.
- Don't look at the barman in the eyes. Actually, don't look at anyone in the eye.
- If you are near or inside any of the disco facilities and you are still alive, do not make any sudden movements, do not raise your head for any reason, be sure to follow the crowd, and do not talk to anyone. Evacuate (if you are still able to) in the fastest way possible.