Communist Jesus

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Communist Jesus is the name commonly given to Jesus "коммунистический автомобиль" Kachenovsky, one of the disputed direct descendants of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. Often referred to as "C.J." or "Siege", Communist Jesus was born in 1338 A.D. Despite being a descendant of Jesus Christ, Jesus Kachenovsky spread the mission of Communism, and denounced all religion, until his death in 1410 A.D.

Ah Motherland!

History of the Kachenovsky Family[edit]

In a time when primitive prince worship was the standard, a Christian family was a rare oddity in Kievan Rus. Furthermore, European religion was shunned by the Golden Horde. However, the Kachenovskys, knowing they were descended from Christ, were ardent closet Christians. That is why the name Jesus remained in the family, and was used from time to time. It is believed that the Kachenovsky's ancestors fled Rome as the empire was collapsing, settling in Kieve.

Early Years[edit]

Communist Jesus was born in the city of Kiev, a chief Kievan Rus principality in 1338, during the reign of the "Golden Horde". While his parent's exact names are not known, his surname, Kachenovsky, is known to have been that of a family in service directly to the princes of Kiev. Therefore, it is safe to assume that Communist Jesus was born in to a rich family.

However, from an early age, Jesus Kachenovsky reportedly disliked his position of wealth and nobility. In a famous incident, Jesus Kachenovsky saw poor children drinking thin broth out of wooden bowls at a local soup house. He demanded that he receive equal treatment, and from the age of nine until he left home at 15, he ate lunch with the poor each day.

Eventually, Jesus Kachenovsky lost favour with his father for denouncing religion and authority while giving away his best clothes and cash to poor peasants. His father eventually barred Jesus Kachenovsky from his own home when he discovered that there were poor children living in the cellars and feasting on his food and vodka.

The Miracles[edit]

At the age of fifteen, Jesus Kachenovsky discovered an ability to perform miracles via the family magic. However, feeling that having an exclusive power was unfair, and also believing that the power was derived from a "brotherly natural force", Jesus Kachenovsky set out on a mission to share his power. Traveling all across Europe, Jesus Kachenovsky not only cured the blind, divided fish and loaves, and walked on water, but he taught proletarians how to do it also. This got out of hand when mass-raisings of dead people caused for overpopulation, a direct factor in the Black Death plague in Europe in that century.

However, it didn't end there. At the age of 21, Jesus Kachenovsky found the ability to turn water directly into Vodka, which allowed him to make enough money to maintain his travel expenses. Apparently, in a major drunken-stupor he at one point changed the entire Dnieper river into vodka. However, he changed it back the next morning to keep the fish from dying of alcoholism. Unlike his other abilities, Jesus Kachenovsky very rarely shared this "miracle" with anyone.

This Means War[edit]

As hatred for the now-powerful poor classes grew (see:proletariat), the Princes began to oppress "miracles" all across Kievan Rus. Soon, many nobility across Europe followed suit, and people found committing miracles everywhere were imprisoned. However, none hated the poor class uprising more than the "Golden Horde" that controlled the princes of Kievan Rus. They made a vow to hunt down Jesus Kachenovsky and his followers, and kill them all.

Long Live the Revolution!

In the spring of 1362, the Golden Horde began a pursuit of Jesus Kachenovsky all across Kievan Rus. The longer they chased him, the more powerful Jesus Kachenovsky's followers grew. Eventually Jesus Kachenovsky made the important move of arming his troops, even though he was a major fan of peace. At this time, he discovered one of the most important aspects of Communism, that without "revolution" a fair and equal proletariat-run world could not exist. So, Jesus Kachenovsky announced to his followers his momentous decision in the famous speech that came to be known as his "Sermon on the Run". Strengthening his army with primitive artillery pieces, lots of rocks and big sticks, and a whole shit-load of raised-dead, Jesus Kachenovsky entrenched his army 35 miles from Kievan Rus.

What ensued was the siege on Fort Jesus. Over the next 25 years the Golden Horde mercilessly attempted to starve and destroy Jesus Kachenovsky's army. The dividing of the fish and loaves prevented this plan from being effective, but drunkenness (from the water-vodka trick) almost cost the Communists the battle. Despite superior weaponry, the Golden Horde could not defeat Jesus Kachenovsky's undead masses, and ultimately gave up. This was considered Communism's first major, albeit short-lived, victory.

Peace and Exile[edit]

Following the defeat, the Golden Horde was forced to withdraw from Kievan Rus. After almost 200 years of occupation, the Horde had been vanquished, and power was returned to the princes. Jesus Kachenovsky had expected for the people to take control of Kievan Rus, but unfortunately, without the guidance of the not-yet-written Communist Manifesto, this was not possible. Having achieved victory his masses deserted him, still fearing the power of the princes. Jesus Kachenovsky ultimately was forced into exile in Prussia, where he made major developments in socialist literature and the firearms industry. He died of old age, a simple man, in 1410 A.D., surrounded by close followers and friends in an unknown northern region of Prussia. However, his legacy lived on (and continuous to) in the form of his many descendants, notably Karl Marx, Lenin, John Lennon, Fidel Castro, and Al Gore.