Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll, more popularly known as Shakes the Clown (not to be confused with Shaquille O'Neil), is a Latina-Lebanese-Spanish-Catalan-American-Russian-Borg-Madonna-...Colombian? singer from Tromsø. Her style is known as "Latin pop," because she sings primarily in Latin and pops bubble gum right before she devours her live audiences.
1977-1993: Early life
Shakira was a child prodigy, writing and composing music as a fetus at the age of 3 months. One of her first songs was called "Tus Gafas Oscuras" (Oscar the Grouch), about her father's grief at his son who had died in a motorcycle accident. Similar emotional concerns are evident in her more recent songs, such as "Underneath Your Clothes" and "Butts Don't Smell."
Shakira seemed destined for immediate success. At the age of ten, her singing was described as similar to a goat (a compliment in Latin America, one that Christina Aguilera has aspired to without success). She competed in the weekly children's television singing competition "Vivan Los Niños," Spanish for "Long Live the Boys," but lost when it was discovered that she was not a boy at all, but rather a scrawny girl with only a big buldge in her pants.
Shakira devoted the next six years to growing bigger hips and breasts by eating a lot of fried chicken. Although she never succeeded in this goal, she eventually overcame her body-image issues, as her later lyrics demonstrate.
1991-2000: A New Young Singer / Songwriter / Producer / Milk Maid Emerges
In the early years, Shakira had to work as a drug dealer to pay for studio time to make gimmicky pop demos to take to record producers and give them blow jobs, until she got her first recording contract at age 6 with Guarachita Records, a division of Sony Music in her home country.
She released her first album in 1991, called "Magia"—Spanish for 'I'm not a goat but I moan like one'—with songs written by her, which did pretty well, selling an amazing total of 3 units, all bought by her mother. It was her best selling album to date.
Then she released "Peligro"—Spanish for 'Tequila is awesome, ya'll'—in 1993. This album is her most controversial to date, containing songs that talk about several taboo topics like lipstick and leg warmers. It accomplished an unbelievable amount of awards for her, including the 1994 award for best baseball player of her league.
In 1995 came her breakthrough album "Pies descalzos"—Spanish for 'I can open a beer bottle with my vagina'. It got her the credibility she now has and it got her name next to all-time big stars like Charo and that French dude from Step by Step.
Then came "Donde estan los ladrones" in 1998—Latin for 'That bitch Paulina Rubio stole my make up... I'mma pull her wig off'. That album is total crap. She won the Latin Grammy for 'Best hair, dude!' in 1999 for that album, then she made an unplugged version of it in 2000 called "Shakira—Not Live Singing but a Goat Moaning", English for 'Fernando Alonso esta una roja piñata'. It won the billboard award for 'Best Limpy Table Support' in 2001.
2001-2003: English market crossover
Shakira was determined to write a hit album in English. However, she does not speak the language at all, so she started to sing with her ass.
The resulting album, "Laundry Service," surprised critics with brilliantly poetic lines, dealing with a wide variety of deep feelings, such as:
- "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains."
- "Next to her cheap silicon, I look minimal. That's why in front of your eyes I'm invisible. But you gotta know, small things also count."
- "I give you my breast."
- "My breasts will never sag like hers."
- "Squeeze my milk puppies."
- "I'm secretly Eddie Vedder."
The world responded to Shakira's small but perky musical charms with dozens of awards and platinum albums in such critical English-speaking regions as South America, Quebec, Italy, Hungary, and Spain.
2003-Present: The Bono of small-breasted pop singers
Shakira continued her march to domination of the English-speaking world with releases such as "La Tortura," "Fijacion Oral No. Uno," and "Fijacion Oral No. Dos", "Ejaculacion Oral No. ?" (Spanish for "The Turtle"), "Fajita #1: Oral Roberts," "Fajita #2: Orel Hershiser" and well... you get the last one don't you?.
Meanwhile, Shakira created the Pies Descalzos (Spanish for "Foot Clan Ninjas") Foundation, for which she was honored by the UN for preventing World War IV. She is passionate about education, probably as a result of never having earned a college degree.
Also in 2006, she created the ALAS foundation along with some friends and fuck buddies of hers like Horatio Sanz and Perez Hilton. The foundation was made originally to stop hunger in Latin America, but she decided to turn it into a belly dancing academy for fat people.
After leaving werewolf anonymous (see below) in 2010, she re-launched her career and became the first person since Elvis to actually reach lower than rock bottom in terms of quality with the hit-singles "Loca" (Spanish for "I'm your boss' lover") and the Number 1 hit for 456 consecutive minutes in Antarctica "Rabiosa" (Spanish for "STD")
Shakira is well-known for dancing in her music videos and performances. She performs a unique mixture of traditional Lebanese belly dancing and lap/Pole dancing|pole]] dancing, and has been known to perform an informal lopsided Watusi after necking more than 14 South American beers, or just two Belgian ones.
In an MTV interview, she said, "People told me I never move my chest when dancing. So now I dance with my chest first, since 'La Tortura.'"
Secret Lunch Dates
Shakira's secret lunch dates began in 2007. She and a random white girl have been observed the third Tuesday of every month at a local TGI Friday's sharing various entrees and discussing skanky dancing and bead fringe.
Life As A Werewolf
In mid-2009 Shakira confessed to recent allegations of being a werewolf. On several occasions Shakira had been seen exiting the WA meetings (Werewolves Anonymous). At first she denied the allegations and stated "I was at the meetings to support my good amigo Oscar The Grouch." Super journalists Teri Hatcher and Tobey Maguire teamed up to expose Shakira as a lycan. Evidence included Shakira's wild and uncontrollable hair, claws, canine-like fangs, and animal-like agility, accompanied by several photographs and a film showing her transform during the full moon (The film was later released to Youtube). Shakira confessed to the allegations saying "I was bitten by fellow werewolf Russel Brand when we were fucking." Shakira then released a song called She-were-wolf to explain her deceit. All profits made were donated to the LAWT (Latin American Werewolf Trust). Shakira now employs two more bodyguards (making a total of two) to protect her from enemies such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Van Helsing and Sam and Dean Winchester.
While performing the song on stage in the 2010 World Cup kick-off concert, Shakira infamously raped an audio speaker before the live audience. It was since revealed the singer was pregnant with their love child-half she-were-wolf-Lebanese-Latino-Spanish-Catalan-American-Madona-singer, half audio equipment-which would be called Marmaduke Shakira Shakira Shrek Bram Stoker David Bowie III. Several news agencies have claimed the lyrics for the 'She-Were-Wolf' song are the least Googled thing of the internet, but searching for anti-depressant pills has oddly enough risen to never before reached new levels.
In 2002, allegations arose that Shakira had made anti-semitic comments. However, her attackers made the mistake of comparing her to Hitler, at which point she immediately and automatically won the argument. The ADL acknowledged, "We have no reason to believe Shakira is anti-Semitic. It's not her fault. She's so irresistible." The JDL filed an objection (tango), claiming they were tired of this triangle, and "All the damage she's caused isn't fixable," but were overruled.
Shakira has been accused of stealing music from a variety of salsa singers from Puerto Rico, Argentina, and even England. However, it was determined that every one of the songs she ripped off had itself ripped off The Bangles' "Eternal Flame"--plus all those other salsas were made in New York City. The cases were all resolved in her favor, except for one in El Paso, which was resolved by getting a rope.
She frequently claims that she is the Queen of Mexican People. This statement is yet to be disproven.
Many have noted the similarity of her song "Poem to a Horse" to "Weird Al" Yankovic's "One More Minute." For example, compare "I'd rather eat my soup with a fork, or drive a cab to New York, than spend one more minute with you" to "I'd rather clean all the gas stations in Grand Central Station with my tongue, 'cuz to talk to you is harder work." However, the lack of an accordion solo has prevented Yankovic from suing.
In 2000, Shakira began dating Antonio de la Rúa, a toll booth operator, and son of the president of Argentina. After de la Rúa's father collapsed the economy of Argentina, the two were forced to postpone their engagement plans. De la Rúa commented, "I hope this blows over soon. I mean, yeah, underneath her clothes there's an endless story, but not literally. Even small breasts sag eventually. Please, please invest in Argentina."
In an unfortunate twist in her love life, she broke up with Antonio de la Rúa, because she doesn't swing that way, as she explained in her subsequent hit single, Come Here, Doggy. She said in an interview that her interest in humans began to wane after watching a tape featuring Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith. She is now engaged to Lucky, a dog her Nicaraguan parents own.
Before her engagement to Lucky, though, she was dating Sparky, a hobo dog. She cheated on Sparky with her pet goat. Sparky, as he said in a news statement, walked in on them doing it and was appalled. Her parents, too, were surprised. "How could she do something so vile with a goat. I mean, Sparky was one thing, but a goat? That is just disgusting, Shakira," said her father. A porno was recently leaked onto the internet of Shakira with Lucky. She split with him after the leak, but it made lots of money, so she got back together with him.
She has plans on writing an autobiography with an accompanying soundtrack. The first single off the soundtrack is entitled "Hips Tell Truth". Critics have said that it sounds much like her hit "Hips Don't Lie", even though Shakira herself claims that they have completely different plotlines. Shakira co-authored "Hips Don't Lie" with Satan. One day, they met in a boardroom. Satan said, "I want millions. Come on, Shakira. You're good at writing shallow songs in five seconds that make you millions. What can we write?" Shakira said, "I don't know, I guess we could write something called 'Hips Don't Lie.' Because my hips don't lie." They co-authored the song in five seconds. It wasn't a record (Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" and Stacey Orico's few hits were authored in two seconds) but it was a success. Larry Cigarette of Somewere in Nebraska Times compared the two lines "Oo baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad" and "Aa boby whan yeo tulk lake thet, yeo moke y wemon ga mod" claiming that the latter is just has some vowels replaced and that that change makes it have absolutely no sense. Most fans would disagree, claiming that this shows that Shakira is very deep.
After the release of her book, she plans on retiring with Lucky and spending the rest of her life with him. Lucky, though, has said in many interviews that her vagina is old and wrinkly and has many spider webs in it. Shakira, being illiterate in English, has not yet realized that he has said that.
After her solo career, Shakira formed a band called 'Enter Shakira', consisting of her and her good friend, Oscar the Grouch. This was short-lived, however, as they just could not compete with the sex of that up-and-coming band, Enter Shikari, whose name was just too similar for the Albanian singer and her green furry friend. One time an entrance had sex with Shakira and Enter Shikari were born.
Instead, she decided to start a cleaning company, for which she worked as a motorbike salesperson. How this worked out was never quite understood. Shakira is currently living with her girlfriend, Britney Spears in Alexandrovsk-Sakhalinsky, Russia. Shakira enjoys playing suikinkutsu, reading War and Peace and dancing Čoček (not to be confused with irish bellydancing).