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Cannibals in Fact[edit]

“I like to eat humans foots! ..Err.. I mean foods!”

~ A typical cannibal

Typical Menu in a Cannibal Restaurant

Everyone knows cannibals inhabit small islands in the Pacific, where unfortunate explorers decide to go in order to claim the land and make some money. The Canary Islands were once inhabited by cannibals, but Steve the Pirate, at the height of his madness, turned the tables and ate them.

Once the cannibals have ensnared their next meal, the person will be tied up using ropes of some unknown source before they are brought before the Chief of the tribe. Every cannibal belongs to any one of an unknown number of tribes, and every tribe has a Chief (no, not this chief). The Chief will always be half-naked like his subjects, but will have some ornate headdress that marks him out to be the Chief, and also will likely be gay. (I had sex with him.)(I'm a male.)(I bitched.)

After the Chief has pronounced his decision on whether or not to eat the poor bastard - which is always Yes - two cannibals will start pounding away on a set of massive drums, using drumsticks fashioned from human thigh bones. The explorer is thrown into a huge pot and boiled alive, while the entire tribe chants things to improve the flavour. You see, people stupid enough to locate unchartered islands are running out, so the cannibals have to enjoy every victim as much as they can.

At the end of the festival/ritual/banquet, the cannibals sit around and pierce each others' noses using finger bones.

Seeing as those fingers once belonged to an explorer, and seeing as those explorers usually travel with missionaries, and missionaries are priests, there's a chance that the bones of the fingers that the well-fed cannibals shove into their nostrils were used once or twice to fondle boys.

You are what you eat. So, all in all, we are all cannibals.

Cannibals in Fiction[edit]

Fictional cannibals are much more refined. Usually they are English, and prefer wine and vegetables with their meals. Also, they most often dine on their own and know their victims well. Occasionally they help the FBI.

What Cannibals Are[edit]

Well, what do we know about cannibals? They could be in a far away planet like New Zealand (but you could dance there from Old Zealand) or the Canary Islands, or they could be your next door neighbor. Well, okay maybe not. But cannibals who ARE NOT from New Zealand tend to be different. They don't eat people out of tradition (I don't think): They eat people for other reasons-- usually not nice ones. What have researches found out about these people?

  • They're who you least expected.
  • They're usually kinda tricky and/or clever.
  • They're bitches that eat cats (Or the cats that eat bitches).
  • Maybe they're covered in blood, asking where your friends are hiding.
  • A huge hit at surprise parties. seriously, Try this one at home.
  • Usually hores that eat cats and monkeys.
  • Rapists.
  • Generally nice people.
  • Sometimes but not always live in giant gingerbread houses.
  • Follow fat people a lot.

What Cannibals Are Not[edit]

Notice the title of this is "What Cannibals Are Not" and not "What Are Not Cannibals". There's a HUUUGE difference. What are cannibals not being, you ask?

  • They're not real level headed.
  • your brother.
  • People you should "hang out" with, as the youngsters say.
  • People who look like cannibals.
  • They're not the most balanced people in the world.
  • No matter what they tell you, they weren't just "hungry", okay?
  • Mormons, although they are comonly confused
  • Straight


In recent times, the emo culture has been suspected of practicing cannibalism. This was confirmed in February, 2009 when an emo poem had descriptive details of a cannibalistic experience. Because emos are sub-human, they have the ability to eat people whole. When an emo was asked about cannibalism, she said: "first of all, there is NO such thing as emo. It's a myth. Just because I like experimenting around doesn't make me emo!" The government has decided not to use any action against emo-cannibals on the grounds that it would squash self-expression.

An emo-cannibal on webcam describing the "joys and pleasures of cannibalism".


Possibly the most famous of all cannibals is Gordon Brown, remembered mostly for his rousing speach on the benefits of eating English people. Some say that the reason for his hanging wobbly jaw was caused by chewing his way through as many Somerset male rump steaks as he could manage at the anual labour party flesh feast.

Other famous cannibals include Shia LaBeouf, Liv the ear chewer Tyler, Brad the cannibal Pitt, Elton the cock gobbler John and the entire cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

A Cannibal's Soundtrack[edit]

Cannibals listen to music too, but they have different... "tastes" than the rest of us. Damn, that was pretty good. These tracks were taken from real life cannibals' mix tapes. The following people have volunteered their musical preferences: Albert Fish, Jeffrey Dahmer, Sascha Spesiwtsew, Armin Meiwes, Fritz Haarmann ("the Butcher of Hanover"), and Nicolas Claux.

  1. Anything by the band Cannibal Corpse
  2. ...or the band Fine Young Cannibals
  3. I Wanna Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge
  4. The Red by Chevelle
  5. I'm In Love With A Sociopath by I Hate Kate
  6. Soylent Green by Wumpscut
  7. Too Much Blood by The Rolling Stones (about the Issei Sagawa murder)
  8. Mein Teil by Rammstein
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