Why?:You should not be a cannibal
Hey guys and girls. I'm here at your high school to speak to you about something very important. Something you'll use the rest of your lives. I know how tempting it can be. I know that when two people are together in that special way, it's hard to control your urges. I know because I've been there. I've been there far too often. There's a time and place for this special act: AFTER MARRIAGE. uh, on second thought, they're telling me that you should never do it. Okay, that takes care of pages 9 through 99 of my speech...
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Help Is Here
Whenever you're thinking about committing this very personal act, look to God. God is here to help, and is here to help your cravings for another warm body next to you. I know how it is with you teenagers, and the urges you have. We've all been there.
It's hard being a teenager, isn't it? You see someone walking down the hall and you think "I would really like to meet that person." It's okay to have those thoughts, in fact everybody has them. Okay, they're telling me that very few people have those thoughts. There goes pages 45 through 68
Whenever you get that special feeling, just think of your favorite Bible passage, chew on a piece of gum, think about the day's lunch menu, anything to distract you from your unChristian urges. Make sure that you don't let your feelings carry you away. There are people on campus who can help you sort through your feelings and make you feel better about yourself.
It may feel really, really, very, ecstatically. good at the time, but you take a chance. You need the proper protection. Lots of kids get nasty diseases from doing this before marriage... Oh, right. I mean ever. Also, people will judge you (and I mean "judge" in every sense of the word). In the bible, there's no specific passage against this sort of thing, but you never know. The bible is long and it blabs on and on about stupid garbage all the time, so it's best to not do much of anything. The bible outlaws everything that's cool..
It's important to not give in to peer pressure when it comes to this, or really anything. "Hey man, why don't you try it, it's cool!" has gotten people to do really horrible things since the beginning of time. Back at my high school, everybody was pressuring me. I felt like if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be cool. When I finally did it with my friends in a back alley, I felt really dirty afterwards.
Oh sure, it starts harmless enough. A little here, a little there, but soon you can't control it. You get addicted to it after just a few times, and it gets very difficult to stop. After a while, I was doing it anywhere I could find: in the bathroom, in the gym showers, the air ducts, my basement... literally anywhere where there wasn't a teacher around. I had help from my folks and C.A. to control my habit.
I know the kinds of things that people say. Let me clue you in.
- Hey man, it'll reduce the surplus population, just try it. That's utter rubbish. You would have to do it on a massive scale to have any impact at all!. If they were really your friends they wouldn't try to pressure you like that.
- Hey man, it'll make you cool. Your friends may respect you a little bit more, but what about Jesus? What Would Jesus Do is excellent advice in this situation. Again, if they were really your friends, they wouldn't pressure you like this.
You need to learn to say no to your friends. It's the only way to stay safe, guys.
Like most things, this can wait until marriage. Most kids do it the first time when they're about 19 or so, and even then 20% are still "virgins," so there's no pressure. In fact, it's okay to wait longer than that. If somebody doesn't want to be your partner, it doesn't matter, you have the rest of your life: it doesn't mean you're a loser.
When I first started "doing it" I was just young. You shouldn't make the same mistakes I did, kids.
Thank You For Listening
I want you all to fill out these cards of virtue. Sign your name on them, and hopefully your cravings will subside. Go ahead, pass 'em out, everybody take one. Sign your name nice and big and give them back to me. Okay guys pass them back. These will be displayed on the White House lawn as a promise to God to refrain from your urges. Uh, I'm being told that these will not be displayed anywhere. That's great.
|Featured Why? Article||Featured on the 1st of August 2009|