Cornell University

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Cornell University
Okenshield Dave: Know your role. Shut your mouth.
Motto At Least We're Not Located in New Jersey! (We're Looking at You, Princeton)
Established 1865
School type 99.99% State, .01% Private
Head Elizabeth Garrett
Location Ithaca, NY., U.S.
Campus 745 Acres of Death
Endowment 1.5 inches ..... FROM THE FLOOR
Faculty 625 Tenured, 1200 TA's (6 English speaking)
Mascot Ling Ling angry!

“Open hearts, open minds, open bar, open legs.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cornell

“Fuck you. All of you.”

~ Mother Nature on Cornell, October through April, Forever.

“Get up and walk the hell out! Yawn outside! Stay out of class!”

~ Professor Mark P. Talbert on Losers

Cornell University is an advanced social networking and visual perception interface created by Okenshields' Happy Dave. The following is its history as programmed for us.


Cornell University was founded in 1865 by rich, guilt-ridden philanthropist Ezra Cornell who, after consuming some devastatingly potent cannabis, remarked at a burn session, "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study........yeeeah...". The notion was appropriately scoffed at, mostly because of its content but also because it wasn't voiced in Latin, but Andrew Dickson White, who was vibing off of some of the same shit, saw Cornell's vision and helped push legislation for the university's founding through the New York state senate.



Cornell sits on 745 acres of fully engorged tundra high above the plebeians of Ithaca. Many Cornell students joke about while seriously contemplating jumping into one of the numerous gorges on campus, but such energies are usually directed towards drinking and belittling visiting hockey teams instead.

Two West Campus residents celebrate their arrival at Central Campus

The campus is divided into four main areas: North Campus, Central Campus, West Campus, and Collegetown. Rumor has it that at one point, there was a South and East Campus, though they were sold back to New York state in 1976. Central Campus features McGraw Tower, noted pumpkin impaler and prison for the Cornell Chimes; Willard Straight Hall, the student union building, nicknamed "the Willy"; and the Statler Hotel, the name "Waldorf" having been removed after #MeToo allegations. The central campus area features many quads and open spaces, useful since many West Campus dwellers will have collapsed from exhaustion before ever reaching their classrooms. Of course, these open spaces are filled year-round with 32' snowbanks, making recreation difficult. Central campus is also where most of the material is students, from inexperienced grad students (since most Cornell professors are too old, fat and lazy to actually teach) newly non-flammable libraries.

North Campus houses mostly freshman, and consists of Balch Hall, Clara Dickson (which is known to be haunted), Donlon, Mews, Court-Kay-Bauer, Housing Project 5, Jameson Housing Project, and The Low Rises. It also contains some program houses, such as JAM (Just About Music Masturbation), Risley Residential College, Ujamaa, and Holland International Living Center (but if it's international, then why the hell is only Holland mentioned? WTF?). In 2022, a new residential area known as Woke Campus was completed, with new buildings honoring Toni "Van" Morrison, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Barbarella McClintock, Hu Shih and the Ganędagǫ people.

West Campus comprises the Gothics (lovingly referred to by students as "decrepit pieces of shit long abandoned by the Cornell administration") and the newer Carl "Boris" Becker, Hans "did it for the Nukie" Bethe, Michael Keaton, Flora "Fauna" Rose , and Alice "Learn to" Cook houses. It is located at the bottom of Mt. Libe. The new house system has increasingly come under fire for creating a "two-tiered" housing situation at Cornell, but in reality the Gothics peasants should just quit their bitching.

Collegetown contains Sheldon Court, Cascadilla, the bloodied remains of a Starbucks union organizer, no Starbucks any more despite all that, and a majority of off-campus apartments, which are widely cited as the inspiration for Jimmy McMillan's "The Rent Is Too Damn High Party". Offerings range from shimmering, glass-faced, obscenely overpriced high-rises to dilapidated, obscenely overpriced rat-trap conversions. The former are preferred by international students, preparing for their lifestyle as America's future overlords. The latter are preferred for use as fraternity annexes, as the many layers of asbestos and lead paint shield them from the watchful eyes of the Title IX office. Most Collegetown residents, however, are ordinary obese alcoholics who develop heart and/or liver failure by graduation.

New York City[edit]

Cornell also bought a pied-à-terre in New York City. Two actually. It's nice to have a spot to freshen up after Connor's tournaments, and you would not believe hotel rates in the City these days, my gawd. And we're certainly not going to stay with Joanne out on Long Island, after what she said at the wedding.

On the Upper East Side is the Weill-E-Coyote Cornell Medicine College. The Weill-E-Coyote Cornell Graduate School of Medical Sciences is located on the same campus for those who could not get into the first. Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center and NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital are adjacent, as is Rock-a-Feller University.

In 2008 Mayor Michael Bloomberg sought to bring a new tech campus to the city. Cornell won this bid, noting that there were many who wanted to study at Cornell but would rather die than live in Ithaca, and many faculty who wanted to live in New York but would rather die than teach at Columbia. The "Cornell Tech" campus opened in 2012 on Roosevelt Island, allowing engineering grad students, many for the first time in their lives, to ride the F Train.


Cornell offers its students a vast array of educational opportunities, including:


Grossly overrated.


Largely stemming from the university's commitment to multiculturalism, Cornell has a very diverse student body. The university also promotes inclusive and politically correct terminology, which is shown in the following demographic chart:


Ling Ling the Fish Throwing Panda.

Religious affiliation[edit]

Cornell, being the only Ivy League institution with no religious affiliation, is in the cold embrace of Satan.


Consistently ranked within the top 9 in the Ivy League, Cornell's architecture is famed throughout the world for its inconsistency. Its motley campus perched high above the mind-numbingly ramshackle rest of Ithaca, the newcomer in town cannot help but ask: "is the circus in town?" while passing the Johnson Graduate School (whose dean recently gave a lecture called "Strengthening the Johnson Brand" - really? Strengthening the Johnson? ) and other Victorian-styled buildings before being confronted by the harsh, statist, Eastern-bloc inspired fire death-trap of Olin Library. Then there is the relatively recent Duffield Hall, a monument (hic) to the Engineering School (hic) , named for the founder of Duff Beer (hic), and the field that used to be where this monstrosity (hic) now stands. Having recently been completed, rumors have begun surfacing that the new Physical Sciences building is actually a temple erected to conceal Janet Reno's testicles. And finally there is the newly built Milhouse Hall (paid for by the Van Houten Chocolate company) which will be the new place where the architects hide among themselves, talking to each other about how important they are. It was designed by the band R.E.M., and already nicknamed "The Koolhaus". In practicing the "haha this will be funny as shit" style of interior design, the designers created the dumbest pull out desks for the auditorium in the history of auditorium pull out desks.

Arts quad, July '06

Quotes from notable alumni[edit]

“George Bush is an idiot.”

~ Andy Bernard

“Fuck horses.”

~ Christopher Reeve

“Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!”

~ Dr. C. Everett Koop

“What's with all the Keystone?”

~ Adolph and Joseph Coors

“Suck it MSNBC.”

~ Keith Olbermann