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Tobacco is something you may have heard your grandfather talk about, or perhaps your school teacher said something about it during the drug awareness unit. Everything they have told you is false.

Methods of Usage[edit]

Average Citizens Mexicans enjoying the healthful benefits of tobacco

Crappy, low-grade tobacco is typically infused with alcohol and shot intravenously into the ankles or wrists, followed up by biting down hard into a lime. Smoking is generally reserved for only the most homosexual tobacco users, who must pass a 8 point gayness inspection before being given the rite of inhaling a sacred pack of winstons. Tobacco suppositories have been occasionally prescribed for butt cancer; in most cases the tobacco totally satisfies the tumour within five seconds of insertion.

One should note that the hateful "Stand group" hates tobacco use, and everything tobacco users do, including bowling, brushing with tartar control toothpaste, taking trips to the corner store, sitting bare-chested in lawn chairs drinking iced tea on hot days, and neglecting to wash and groom their dogs on a semi-regular basis. This group wishes to prevent one from jamming toxic amounts of fresh tobacco into their ass, but this shouldn't stop all health-minded citizens or just your average everyday person who likes to try to put just about everything in their butt, at least once.


Tobacco users always know where the "flavor" is at, right where those two legs come together and make a buttcrack. This total smoker monopoly on flavor has led to tobacco users becoming extremely wealthy and powerful, selling their flavor subsidies to the Food and Beverage industries.

Tobacco gives you an excuse for social interaction. For example, one may use the phrase "can I bum a cigarette" in order to play on your recent pattern of selfless giving in order to set you up for the second question "hey you didn't notice when we slipped a bit of that new pneumonia-causing pathogen in your pouch of tobacco when you were staring at the loud distraction we created across the hall for 3.78 seconds?" And then the natural followup: "Well fuck you anyways buddy you're just hacking and weezing cuz you are a smoker, I'm gettin tired of conducting these experiments anyways cuz you never die or seem to suffer". And that is how tobacco facilitates new and meaningful conversations in the modern and progressive world.

Tobacco also helps you hack the internet. For instance, when you are downloading a zip file of kiddie porn you purchased from an unnamed offshore source, one full cigarette is about the time it takes to download the necessary files via your AOL instant messenger.

Tobacco can be made into a lovely afternoon beverage. Preparation is as follow:

  1. Take one pack of Maverick, GPC, or Newports, crush the pack in a vice and empty the tobacco from the cigarettes into a mason jar.
  2. Fill the jar halfway with fresh pee, preferably right out of your body.
  3. Add 2 tbsp cumin, a pinch of cinnamon, a fistful of salt, 3 drops of blood from the cutest lil' kitty on the block, and some freshly crushed datura seed pods.
  4. Mix well using a clean spatula.
  5. Allow pee and cinnamon to separate, then add 3 cups olive oil and several match heads for sulphur content.
  6. Take mixture to nearest hardware store, find the paint mixer, and let mixture shake for 2 hours - 3 days.
  7. When mixture has solidified into a fine paste, rub a few bands of it under your eyes rambo style and run out of the store screaming "That b***h is crazy if she thinks she's getting child support, I faked all my orgasms!"
  8. Go home and put the mixture into a blender with ice and shaving cream, mix until foamy.
  9. Drink mixture and invite your lover over for a game of dual solitare.
  10. As nausea approaches and the hallucinations start, DO NOT vomit directly down your lovers throat with no hesitation or pause, mama bird/baby bird style. If you do try it and she rejects this subtle gesture of 'love', she's probably working for the FBI and on to you.

Tobacco and the Irish Revolution[edit]

In 1916 the Irish people revolted against the British taxes on tobacco, cigarettes, tea and condoms. The revolt was generally referred to as 'The Easter Rising' after a bakery where illegal cigarettes were sold under the counter on Dame Street. As the British were busy invading Germany at the time in search of the holy grail of Tobacco fields thought to be somewhere outside Frankfurt, the Rising was a success and Ireland got its independence about twenty years later when they finally realised they could stop kicking the shit out of one another in the Civil War.