|Directed by||Mel Gibson|
|Written by||Mel Gibson|
|Music by||Three men, one with a drum, another with a fife and a bandage on his head and some douche with a flag|
|Edited by||None Needed, it came out perfect right away|
|Distributed by||Third Reich Productions|
|Running time||Seemingly indeffinite .|
|Budget||As much as could be recovered from thieving Jew bankers.|
The Patriot (also known as Braveheart Episode 2, Attack of the Cloned Plot) is a film, produced in the year 2000, that depicts the events of The Patriot War. Interestingly, despite this being the largest and bloodiest war in American military history, very few Americans are actually aware of it.
Since the film contains 70% actual footage filmed during the war itself, it is widely considered by experts to be the definitive record related to this conflict, not to mention the only known record. Although protested fervently by a small but vocal group of leftist turncoats upset with it unwavering message that freedom was worth fighting for (and that slavery never happened) the movie played to sold out houses. Ironically, the traitors outside protesting the movie became wonderful targets for the left over sodas, popcorn and pent up flag-waving aggression following the flick.
The Patriot War
Basically, all you need to know about this period of history is that The Patriot War was by far the most awesome war America has ever fought. Civil War? Way better than that! WW2? Not even close! Gulf War? Get the hell outta here! Basically think of the American Revolution but about three times as exciting!
It had three cornered hats, muskets, wigs and all that other cool period drama stuff. But it also had a higher body count than any other war, which showed that everyone involved was really trying hard and it was fought by far more attractive people than previous wars. This made the fighting very easy on the eye.
But other than that, a good time was had by all.
Based on the evidence of this film and sworn testimony from the actors involved, most historians now agree that Jesus was personally involved in the war. He was fighting for freedom, like the other Americans did.
Benjamin Handcannon (played by Mel Gibson), a young Scotch/Australian immigrant and father of seventeen, living in 16th century Utah, enjoys a peaceful life on the family plantation with his wife Sugartits, until he is forced to take up arms when the nation he loves is invaded by the evil British Nazis. Soon every decent, God fearing, red-blooded,
slave owning, heterosexual American man is finding his woman dead, his cattle a sploded and his anus intruded on by the jack-booted, flesh-eating, highly effeminate, mincing hordes of the British King Sauron III. It is never stated out loud that the British King was a jew, but I think it is safe to assume so.
Benjamin is initially reluctant to take up arms with his fellow decent white Americans, due to the horrors he faced in The Nun Wars. During this war, he and his men captured a French fort, and were forced to spend many months without women, all the while running terrifyingly low on pornography. When the last of the porn was too stuck together to be of use, it wasn't long before Mel and his men couldn't control themselves.
“You weren't there! We were so cold and lonely, missing our women folk so badly. And those French boys were so small and pretty, with their frilly white lace shirts, all smelling of perfume. After a few weeks of those sluts leading us on, we couldn't help ourselves! If you'd been there you would have ass-rammed them all to death too!”
One day, his puppy sanctuary is invaded by evil, villainous, dastardly (did I mention evil?) British Officer Major Bastard.
Major Bastard, as his name implies, is somewhat unpleasant and proceeds to personally stamp on the heads of all the puppies, while laughing evilly and waving a British flag. He then blows up Benjamin's house, chainsaws the legs off his cows and rapes three of his sons.
While this is going on Benjamin stands around looking confused, muttering something about "rules of war" and "those lovely Frenchies never did that".
Major Bastard finishes his rampage by arresting a couple of Benjamin's taller, more pretty-boy sons and taking a shit on Benjamin's wife's face.
This final outrage spurs our hero into action.
He rushes inside and melts down his children's hot wheels in order to make ammunition. Most weapons of the time were not designed to fire toy cars. Fortunately, with a short bout of A-Team style welding and hammering, Benjamin manages to build the Super Musket, the most lethal children's toy firing, flintlock weapon ever constructed.
He then proceeds to give chase, attacking the British Red Shirts, in the famous of Battle of Historical Accuracy.
The Battle of Historical Accuracy
This battle is the first pitched battle of the war, with the British invasion, murder and general evil force of over 300 girlie men in wigs facing the vastly superior American (also known as the Good guys, heroes or ones you should cheer for) force of Bejamin Handcannon, along with a couple of his younger, cuter sons (who serve as distractions, meat shields and comic relief during the fighting).
After a fierce four hour battle, the evil British are all dead, except for one, who is just missing most of his skull.
Unfortunately for Benjamin, Major Bastard had heard about a bus load of nuns in coming across the other side of the valley and had raced off to kill them all and so was not present, denying poor Benny his ultimate victory and forcing the movie to go on for another three hours.
The lone surviving British evil soldier reports that Mel Gibson's acting was appalling, both before and during the fight sequence. He was impossible to pick out from the tree's around him due to his performance being so dreadfully wooden. One of the villainous officers comments that it sounds like Mel was just "standing there like a post".
From then on, the villainous British offer a reward for the capture of "the post".
The Battle of Lots of Little Battle Scenes in a montage
Handcannon soon gathers a trusty band of racially diverse, disadvantaged teenagers, organising them into a militia. A few of his son's also join up, showing that the family that kills together, stays together.
They proceed to launch surprise ambush attacks against the British forces. The British, being an insect like race with a hive mind mentality, are incapable of independent thought and so are unable to adapt to Handcannon's cunning tactics of hiding behind a bush, ducking when someone shouts "fire" and carrying a really enormous musket. They basically just keep walking forward and getting shot, forcing their hive queen to greatly increase production of drones.
Meanwhile, Major Bastard rounds up all Benjamin's slaves...damn it! I meant to say all Benjamin's happy, healthy, free black workers from the plantation (where they were cheerfully singing gospel and picking cotton while giving thanks for having such fantastic jobs with such great dental plans) and fills them all with acid.
He then proceeds to fire them from cannons at Benjamin's house, killing a couple more of his sons.
He doesn't do this to flush out the rebels, he just doesn't want people forgetting that he's the bad guy and they are supposed to go boo hiss when they see him.
A pause in the fighting (possibly to pad out the plot)
The British are extremely bad at fighting wars (as we should all know from watching Braveheart) so Handcannon and his chums decide to take a break in the Caribbean. Here they live with lots escaped slaves....damn it, no I mean free, friendly, good natured, musically inclined African Americans. Obviously, all black people living at the time were very keen for the Americans to win the war, since it was being fought for their freedom and to put an end to slavery. They were also very grateful to the kind white Americans, who so graciously gave them jobs, food, clothing,
leg irons and equality.
Meanwhile, Major Bastard was beginning to fear that his enemies might be forgetting how evil he was, so he shot another one of Benjamin's sons and then captured a load of towns people, sent them into a church, before bulldozing it and pissing on the rubble.
Horrifying British war crimes
The Dastardly British then start rounding up all the Americans and sending them to special camps, but it soon becomes clear that they intend to gas all of their prisoners in the showers and steal their gold teeth!
They follow this up by invading Poland and dropping bombs on London.
They British supreme commander Corn"hole"wallis complains about this a bit, but being about as manly as a jelly fish in drag, he is completely ignored.
“Shut up Bitch! Don-t make me pimp slap you again!”
The Battle of End of the Film
Benjamin Handcannon is, at this point, running low on sons and so decides to put an end to the war.
They launch on all out attack on the British Mother ship, up loading a virus onto its computer which takes down the British shields, making them vulnerable to conventional weapons and super muskets.
In a barrage of miniature automobiles, the British army is destroyed, in a masterful tactical plan that would come to be known as the "fight really stupid enemies that are really gay, bad at fighting and always blunder into obvious, corny traps" maneuver. This exact same tactics was later used during the first Gulf War.
During the fighting, Benjamin comes face to face with his arch enemy, Major Bastard. Being the final bad guy in the movie, Major Bastard proves some what tricky to kill. Benjamin shoots him with several toy-car based bullets, uses a cunning pretending to be dead trick, stabs his horse with a flag and amputates his right testicle with a spoon.
Major Bastard fights back, however and is just about to kill our hero when he is distracted by the sight of a small child next to a bible. Unable to resist the urge to burn and then urinate on these two objects, he turns his back on Benny, who immediately grabs the American flag and uses Old Glory to show Major Bastard how he used to deal with those Frenchies.
Having rammed the symbol of America up another man's rectum and then buggered him to death with it, Benjamin proceeds to win the battle (killing 80% of the enemy army himself, while 17% fell to friendly fire), rape 3 of Cornwallis' wives and bring several of his dead children back to life.
Depiction of the British
Some people have criticised the films depiction of the British, particularly the scenes of British war crimes. A lot of viewers were deeply offended that the evilness of the British was under played so much. In real life, Major Bastard was a far less lovable character and was clearly overly humanised to make a good story. The film also fails to depict the tendency of British Soldiers (also known as "evil murderers") to eat American infants as part of their standard rations. Mel Gibson is said to have been unhappy at these concessions, blaming the Jew-run establishment in Hollywood.
The Jewish conspiracy also prevented Mel from including a scene at the start of the movie where the Jews start the war (because they start all the wars in the world).
Some wishy washy, hand wringing, tofu munching liberal types claim that the movies depiction of race relations is grossly unrealistic, glossing over years of slavery and abuse.
Well the fact is that at that time there was no slavery, black people just made it up later to try and get sympathy and university places.
Mel said they were free workers, and that should be good enough for everyone! They all got paid a very generous wage (with extra for over time), got lots of time off, plenty of exercise and fresh air and got on great with their white masters....damn I mean employers! Generous employers!
Nazi Germany was deeply offended by some scenes in the movie, which seemed to draw a parallel between actual British war crimes and the thousand year reich. Rudolph Hess was sent to speak with Mr Gibson. After a few hours of deep, heartfelt discussion, Mel issued the following statement-
“ I wish to apologise for any offense I may have caused to the good people of the father land in my latest movie, The Patriot. I want to assure you all, that it was never my intention to insult national socialism in this film, only those god damn limey bastards. I want to make it quite clear that I am not a racist or a Nazcist, I actually have a lot of Nazi friends and I am a great admirer of Nazism in general, especially the way you dealt with the heebs, queers and gypos.”