Black Swan

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Natalie Portmanteau undertook a strenuous age-loss program for the film, and was able to lose over twelve years. Effects here shown in reverse.

“Yes, ballet is gay, but I balanced it out with hot chicks, so it's okay, right?”

~ Darren Aronofsky

“There's lesbian sex in this film!”

~ Everyone who saw the film

“This is fucked up...”

~ Thom Yorke on Black Swan

Black Swan is a 2011 foot fetish pornography film by director Derren Avawanksky. It is the follow-up to his 2009 hit The Wrestler 2: Porksplatter! The plot of the film revolves around a two-minute lesbian sex scene surrouned by numerous other events. Derren is said to have directed the film to make a change from his previous output, in which characters were often strippers or prostitutes and took drugs. Instead he wanted to make a film about a girl who dances in a revealing costume and has hallucinations, centering its main narrative focus on her pussy. It has been a critical success, generating huge amounts of criticism in a small space of time.


Nim Greenshanks (Natalie Portmanteau) is a young Morris Dancer struggling to cope amongst the competitive nature of her folk troupe. She has a quiet disposition and spends much of her time looking like she's going to cry, which puts her at odds with the other dancers who enjoy traditionally rough folk activities such as Fighting, Racism and second-tier Buggery. The company is currently preparing its new show, a revival of the Chaucer epic The Tiger Who Came to Tea, but the director (played by Natalie Portmanteau) is struggling to cast the role of the father, who has to portray both a stern authority figure and a loving, caring nancy boy.

Nim seems a perfect choice for the latter aspect of the character, as she's a wimpy wuss who always looks like she's going to cry, but the director feels she would be unable to muster the masculinity and penis-growth required to portray a proper man. During an argument, however, she surprises him by biting the top off a bottle of beer, reciting the offside rule and shouting "oh my god! I love titties!" This display of manliness impresses the director and he casts her in the part. This causes immediate jealousy among the other members of the company, who plot revenge. They reject various schemes such as punching her in the face, releasing a leopard into her dressing room, writing a scathing Unicyclopedia article about her and selling her to a passing circus before settling on the cunning scheme of doing nothing.

She begins to crack under the pressure of portraying a man, developing an Oedipus complex and displaying the early stages of moustache growth. To help her relax, her new friend Greedo (played by Natalie Portmanteau) takes her dancing, though the experience turns surreal when Nim ends up off her tits on Jolly Ranchers. The pair leave, and Greebo proceeds to get on Nim's tits and the pair have hot lesbian sex.

(At this point, the plot summary is based largely on conjecture and hearsay as everybody left the cinema once the lesbian sex scene had ended.)

When asked by producers for a plot summary, Derren Avawanksky showed them this picture. They offered a budget of $2500 billion to make the film.

Arriving at the company yurt the next day, Nim is shocked to discover that the sloppy lesbian sex never happened and she in fact spent the evening sitting in, knitting and watching Scrubs. She begins to suspect Greedo is trying to steal her part, which is now beginning to grow thanks to pills purchased online. The rehearsals continue until Nim, cracking under the pressure of her increasing manliness, goes batshit insane and starts thinking she is genuinely a man. She attempts to go into the men's toilet, an offence that would normally merit execution by death, before her back erupts in disgusting man-hair and she begins to fart. She then collapses, smashing her now fully-grown penis against the floor and passing out from the pain.

When she awakes, she finds herself back to normal, but the performance is over and Greebo has taken her part. She starts to cry, but then looks around and realises that the performance hasn't begun and she still has time to get into costume. She then realises that there was no performance at all, and she dreamed the entire thing. She gets up to make a cup of tea, then realises there was never a film and all she'd done for the last week was eat toast. The remaining audience members then realise they've been staring at a blank cinema screen for two hours, and start a riot when they realise they're not getting their money back.


The film was largely produced in a small factory in Wigan from string, banana peels and mechanically recovered meat. Excess fat from the film was trimmed off and stored in metal tubes, to be used later in the upcoming film Avatar 2: Eclectic Boogaloo, a move described by human rights lawyers as "steam-powered." Derren Avawansky reportedly funded the film by turning up uninvited at Hollywood parties and demanding that everyone "hand over your lunch money or I'll fuck you all up." [1]

Filming for the dance scenes took place in a disused air-raid shelter, which one cameraman commented was "really useful, especially when the crew from The Social Network tried to scupper our Oscar chances by bombing us. The joke's on them, though, there's no way this piece of shit will win." Following these comments, the cameraman was ostracised from his peers for the "hurtful remarks" and made to spend one year on the naughty step. The filming was carried out by top men over a period of several years, as a result of which you can see Natalie Portmanteau visibly aging during the film until she comes to resemble Winona Ryder.

The filming process wildly exceeded the original budget of $23 in Wal-Mart vouchers.


The composer on finding out he was ineligible for an Oscar due to some political conspiracy.

The music for the film was largely stolen composed by Clint Eastwood, working on themes originated by the great folk composer Kurt Cobain. The soundtrack is primarily Shitty folk music scored for vernacular spoons, the bone accordion and kettle chip drums and contains various progressive elements such as odd time signatures and beards. Clint has commented in the interview that the music took "minutes" to write. Also appearing are a number of well-known folk bands, including The Cider Bastards, The Sexy Turtles, Pink Moose Pissfeather, Blink 182, Papa Roach, and Master Chief.

Eastwood's score makes extensive use of modal scales more commonly found in jazz. This cross-splicing of genre DNA is regarded as a huge breakthrough in the musical sciences, with many considering Eastwood as a candidate for a Nobel prize in melodic biology. Others have regarded his work as sinful and against the will of God, leading to a Presidential Veto on future research in the US and a Congressional debate on whether he should be banned from the world.

The music has been praised in several circles, primarily the magic circle and among patients suffering from clinical stubblyness, who find the complex rhythms and innovative use of sharks soothing. The use of the second movement, entitled Fantasia in Chipping Sodbury, has been considered as the new national anthem for Atlantis. Notable music theorist Shaft described the score as "a kind of broke-up mash-up involving the Third Reich in a quarry or something, I don't know, it's like if you get Tom Waits and Marsha Brady and then, then,'s the smart thing, take away Waits, and Brady, and then replace them with something completely different, you dig? It's a crazy sound, man, I think...I don't, don't know, really. Who are you guys, anyway?"

When confronted with accusations of plagarism, Eastwood responded by throwing his sandwich at his questioner and screaming "hah! You have butter on your face!" before jumping a nearby fence and landing in a perfect diminished minor chord.

Critical response[edit]

"The Swan" has shaved her head in anticipation of neurosis.

The film has received largely positive electrons. Roger Uber noted that 'both the people who understand the film will probably enjoy it,' whilst Wotherton Spice wrote 'what? What film? Pass the brandy!' The Guardian gave the film five oranges out of seven, noting that 'the running joke about Shindler's Lift falls a little flat, but our Nat gives a wonderful performance as a pair of feet attached to some wimpy girl.'

Others were less kind. Pratt Pacman wrote 'hated it. I don't normally hate anything, except women, but I hated this film and not just because it had women in it. Plus, I fucking hate feet.' The Taliban Film Review issued a Jihad against the production team, and the New York Times published a review which was on fire.

Audience response to the film has been mixed, but largely creamy. Some audiences were observed standing up and applauding during the trailers, whilst others purchased cinema snacks (such as steak and fircones) purely to throw at the screen. In a poll taken of audience members leaving the cinema, the most common responses were 'needs more boobies' (35%), 'I meant to see the King's Speech' (27%) and 'spare any change, guv?' (18%).

See also[edit]

See instead[edit]


  1. Nicole Kidman described this as "the scariest moment of my life, except for seeing Tom Cruise naked." Katie Holmes declined to comment.