Titanic (1953 film)

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“Ach, don't worry. Global Warming will melt any icebergs.”

~ Famous Last Words on Titanic

Passengers begin to board the Titanic as it prepares to leave port.

Titanic (correctly spelled Tit-antic) is a retelling of that ancient Egyptian fable by Ernest Hemingway, "The Little Boat That Could". The original tale was about a group of exclusively lesbian prostitutes that were sent by ship across the Mediterranean to Peru where they were to form a coalition government that would expand to conquer South America before its eventual decline into decadence some forty years later. In the original, the boat didn't sink, but when Hollywood created their block-buster movie, they decided to make a few changes.[1]

The first known Titanic film was filmed back in the early days of Hollywood cinema in 1953. The original take of the film had the two principal actors Barbara Stanwyck and Clifton Webb arriving in Finland, but as a joke the director decided to film an alternative ending in which the ship sank. In post-production, the audiences actually found the alternative ending better (mostly because it was shorter), and so it was kept. Also, the name Titanic did not actually refer to the name of the ship, but was Webb's nickname for a certain part of Barbara Stanwyck's anatomy.[2]

An unsuccesful attempt was made by Paul von Hindenburg, the current president of Germany, to save the titanic. See the Hindenburg disaster for more information.


Captain Obvious on the Titanic.

In 1912, the far looking director of the Black Star Line, Ernest Borgnine, decided to take advantage of the incipient publicity that would be attracted by the name Titanic,[3] by building a ship of that name. As was the fashion at the time, the boat was made of marshmallow with Graham cracker reinforcements and holes in the side for the oars, chocolate and cannon mounts. Due to the extreme lightness of the marshmallow, the ship was pronounced "unsinkable".[4]

Later that year, the Titanic made its maiden voyage.[5] The voyage took it past the Bermuda Triangle (often thought to have caused the downfall of Vanilla Ice), which is known for its abundance of crayfish. These crayfish eat plankton, krill, the occasional local native, and manganese nodules which are found on the seabed. Manganese is a ferromagnetic substance, which is why most of the crayfish are magnetised.[6] Occasionally, these lines of crayfish double back on themselves, and create loops. Once these get up to speed, the rotating magnetic field can cause significant inductive heating and structural failure in nearby metal. Unfortunately, the Titanic was floating over one of these so called "lobster twirls", the structural supports gave way, and the marshmallow collapsed into the water. People say that the surrounding water was syrupy for days.

The prospect of there ever being a 'Titanic II' - alternative titles included 'The Ship That Wouldn't Sink' and 'The Boobtaculous Adventures of Barbara Stanwyck and her Gay, Monkey-Loving Matey Cliff' - is scarce since both Clifton Webb and Barbara Stanwyck were killed in a double-murder-suicide after Clifton Webb caught Barbara making out with director Jean Negulesco. Suffice to say, the movie industry has lost three truly great idiots.


  • Maiden, 10 April 1912.
    Rather uneventful and by-the-book cruise.
  • Bottom of the Atlantic, each Monday following.
    After conversion of the front half to submarine mode.

Conspiracy Theories[edit]

In reality the Titanic sank due to Mrs. Julia Sturges's Giant Rack.

In the days following the Titanic disaster, numerous theories concerning the sinking of the ship were proposed. Some said that Barbara Stanwyck had put on a lot of weight; but it was more likely that it was either Ellen Degeneres or Fran Drescher. Others said that Clifton Webb was either gay or acted so horribly that the ship dove underwater to escape. Perhaps the most outlandish suggestion of them all was that the iceberg in the movie was more than a metaphor for growing social consciousness in the newer generation, and may have actually been the cause of the sinking of the first Titanic. This is also claimed by some of the survivors of the wreck.[7] It is well known however that high magnetic fields (as would have been present in "lobster twirls") cause unusual effects in the brain, and may have caused them to see hallucinations of an iceberg, when actually it was a very cold Rosie O'Donell. Some people say that there were several icebergs in the area that could have caused it, but this "iceberg conspiracy theory" holds no water, unlike the wreck of the Titanic, which is still soggily floating in bits and pieces on the oceans of the world. The Tit-anic is truly a global phenomenon. Legend holds, that if you utter the word "Tit-anic" three times into an mirror, you'll look like Richard Simmons.

There is also a conspiracy theory suggesting that the 9/11 disaster was caused, not by terrorists, but by ill-informed rescue teams attempting to speed to the Titanic's aid as quickly as possible.

  • The Misfits are also often times blamed for the incident, since everything bad always connects back to them.
  • Yet another alternate view states that the Titanic was in fact attacked by pirates.
Webb, you sly dog!

The most complex conspiracy theory surrounding the Titanic is probably the Love Boat Theory. According to its proponents, the Titanic was not actually the boat launched from Liverpool that day; instead, under cover of darkness on the night before launch, the ship was surreptitiously switched with the cruise ship Love Boat, which had been brought back from the future by Marty McFly and Doc Brown after being equipped with an enormous flux capacitor and engines capable of achieving 88 knots. The Love Boat's hull was painted black and the name TITANIC attached to the prow with stick-on letters from Home Depot so that no one would notice the switch. The plan was to sink the ersatz Titanic on its maiden voyage before it arrived in New York.[8]

The conspirators were said to have sunk the ship to create a legendary mystique around the Titanic, and upon returning to the future, sell a lot of movie tickets and all sorts of other Titanic-based crap, culminating in the sale of the actual Titanic itself, which, fitted with the flux capacitor from the Love Boat, was to be taken to the future and displayed as the Titanic's "lost sister ship," the Ptitanic.[9] Unfortunately Biff, the evil seaman, took a piss in the flux capacitor's control circuits at a crucial moment as the ship was about to travel into the future, and its temporal arrival point has never been determined. Some say it arrived in the distant past and became an ark for dinosaurs in a futile attempt to save them from extinction; others maintain that it wound up in the far future and scared the hell out of Captain Picard, who was wading off the coast of France to clean the grape squeezings off his feet. No one knows for certain. This conspiracy theory has much to recommend it, aside from the obvious fact of being fucktard insane.

The sinking of the Titanic is also one of the many things that has been blamed on the mysterious and elusive John Q. Public.

Popular rumours[edit]

Many people belive that it was in fact the TARDIS that sank the Titanic though she was not badly damaged the sinking was as many survivors say was done by an extremly fat retard who was weighing down the front of the ship by trying to look out for jam filled cream pies that had floated down from the polo mint icing sugar caps

The bright side[edit]

It is widely agreed that one of the many merits of the ship's untimely end is the demise of the most unpleasant actor in the history of cinematography.

Alternate Ending[edit]

One alternative view states that the SS Venture happened to be making its way from Skull Island in the Indian Ocean to New York City when they came across the Titanic heading toward the iceberg. King Kong, who was being transported, heard the cries for help and woke up. He saw Barbara Stanwyck on board the Titanic and mistook her for Bette Davis, so he jumped off, swam over to the iceberg and just as the ship was about to hit it, pushed against the great hull of the boat with all his might while with his feet pushed against the iceberg. The ship's striking of the iceberg was avoided and Kong was made a hero. Unfortunately, he grabbed Barbara Stanwyck and went to the top of the smokestack, where he was gunned down by fighter planes. And bla bla bla!

The sinking of the Titanic has been claimed by several groups, including (but not limited to), the IRA, the APA, and ABBA. All of whom had egg on their face after it was revealed that the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by Justin Lee Collins for the Friday Night Project

Artist's Rendition of the Titanic by Mahatma Gandhi[edit]

   \      "Aiiie!"
    \/\  /
   \/ / *   _^|
  \/ /     {   \


  1. For example, it is a little known fact that Guy Harris was surfing behind the mighty liner shortly before it parked up beside the iceberg.
  2. Contemporary sources believe it was her mouth, but this has not been confirmed.
  3. Due to a sexually transmitted disease sweeping London at the time, which was a very popular fad.
  4. Which is a strange way to say "Titanic", but the English have odd accents.
  5. The maidens were to be delivered to Afghanistan to be sold into slavery. It is thought that the fact that Afghanistan is land-locked may have contributed to the ship's demise.
  6. This is why you find them in large conga lines at the bottom of the ocean.
  7. Although their opinion shouldn't count since they were too close to the event to see things objectively.
  8. Even in 1912, New Yorkers watched a lot of television, creating a risk that the switch would be detected.
  9. The name change was to be achieved with some stick-on P's from Home Depot.
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