Gigli
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“Gigli redefines man's morality in a world without a God.”
“An unmitigated fucking masterpiece”
“Sometimes, in spite of basic reasoning and logic, you must face the fact that Ben Affleck, sooner of later, will be killed by a large angry mob. Jennifer Lopez will probably be left to die from her wounds”
“Acting so life-like, you can actually smell the stink coming out of Lopez's tanker-sized turd factory while sitting in the theater.”
“"Life doesn't play by the rules"? Not in my book.”
Gigli (IPA [dʒiːli]) is considered by many film critics to be the second best film ever made, just behind Pootie Tang and just before Glitter, Citizen Kane, Schindler's List, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Blankman. Interestingly, the movie's title, if pronounced phonetically, sounds like the word "jiggly," which, ironically, is the single, solitary word that came to director Martin Brest's mind immediately after eye-fucking lead actress Jennifer Lopez's Wolly Mammoth-sized fart-box for two straight hours whilst simultaneously thinking of a name for this film.
Gigli is internationally and inter-galactically known as the sequel to Of Mice and Men.
Cast[edit]
Gigli stars Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez's Ass together as some sort of ice queen lesbo hoochie detective, and Ben Affleck reprising his role as the mentally retarded friend that Matt Damon chronically lugs arounds with him.
The movie came to Ben Affleck in a dream. He had a dream about a terrible movie killing his family.
"I wanted to make a movie that was bad. There are too many good movies, I thought I'd be original and make a bad movie. I decided to show America what true pain is, so they would understand what the slaves went through on the plantation, bitches."
The film also features, in brief cameos, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken as time travelling shadow bandits intent on basically just reprising their roles from other, better, films. Pacino plays Vincent Hannah with a beard and a bad haircut, and Walken plays himself (wanting pie) without a beard, but still with a bad haircut. The film set a new standard for bad haircuts and also marks the occasion with both of these actors received Razzie nominations. However this injustice pales in significance considering the overall genocidal nature of the film as a hole (not a typo).
Plot[edit]
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The film originally was to be a very dark comedy with no romantic subplot, but the producers demanded script rewrites throughout filming.
At the end of Of Mice and Men, Matto Damon takes a pistol and shoots Ben Affleck in the head, because lugging his retarded friend around the world is too burdensome, and not nearly funny as it is in the hilarious Rain Man.
We find out in Gigli that Affleck was taking a vision quest or had a hash dream or something, and has returned to the world as a White Wizard.
Affleck the White roams the world trying to stop the evil Lord Sauron, but instead runs into Jennifer Lopez.
Affleck mistakes her ample, fuck-riffic mound of hot ass for talent and allows her to follow him around. Eventually he realizes that she is really, really untalented. Also, as she's getting older, she's already turning into one of hags that hispanic women often always turn into.
By the end of the film, Affleck realizes he has to do the right thing. He stuffs her in a bag and takes her out into the woods where she can fend for herself. He releases her into the wild. After a few sharp kicks to the head, she gets the point, and goes ambling about looking to cuddle up to some other dumbfuck who doesn't see that a ginormous ass full of Latina sexiness does not justify a gross absence of acting ability. Recent reports indicate that she found Mickey Rourke living in her ass and used him as a host.
Memorable quotes[edit]
- Ricki: It's turkey time.
- Larry Gigli: Huh?
- Ricki: Gobble, gobble.
- Larry: Someone got paid to write that fucking line?
- Ricki: Nietzsche was right: God is dead, and this fucking movie killed him.
- Starkman: Louis, you wanna go to medical school?
- Louis: Medical school?
- [Starkman shoots him]
- Starkman: Yeah! Students there can always use something to learn on!
- Louis: I can't even make rent doing a movie like this.
- Starkman: For fuck's sake, think about how bad life's gonna be AFTER this film is released.
- Louis: Fuck me runnin'! I'll never even get a fucking role on one of those Lifetime afternoon feminazi :movies.
- Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
- Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor,you know that?
- Brian: God bless you.
- Larry: Thank you.
- Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.
- Larry: That passes as a fucking penis joke?
- Brian: For the love of Pete! Anyone dumb enough to go see a movie with Jennifer Lopez in it is probably dumb enough to laugh at that joke, right?
- Larry: Sure, but it doesn't make it right.
- Brian: Right? Hell, no. Not in the traditional Biblical sense, no.
- Larry: Think, someone actually walked into a board room, sat down with this here script, and told some group of suits: "Give me fifty million dollars, I need to make a movie with J-Lo and B-Af in it." And the fuckers gave him money.
- Brian: He probably had a hostage.
- Larry: True dat. Nigga's gotta eat, right?
- Brian: Hold it, since when did you turn into a black guy?.
- Larry: Nigga, this movie so fucked up, we gots to do somethin' to make dis shit funny
- Brian: True dat.
- Both of them: FUCK DA POLICE, WE RIDIN' DIRTY FO' LIFE!!!! LET'Z GET RATCHET!!!!!!!
Brian: He's a fucking Turdburglar. He burgles Turds!
- Larry Gigli (Affleck): If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Suck, Sadie! I am the ruler of fuckin' school kids! You wanna be in a gangbang? You wanna be a cum-dumpster? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearl necklaces that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-fisting-foreskin, penis-pumping, butt-fuckin buster, original gangster's wanker!
- Ricki (Lopez): I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna go get my shit pushed in by your dad.
Film dramas 