Talent

The Uncut Unfalsified True Definition of "Talent"

For a number of years it has been believed that raw talent was built up from the element Ta in the periodic table. This element has Atomic number 73 and is a member of group 5 in period 6 block d. This idea was swiftly abandoned with the discovery that Ta was the main building block that bad ideas are made out of.

A better attempt to describe talent was made by the quantum physicist Erwin Schrödinger. He tried to show that raw talent was made out of sub atomic particles that are present everywhere in equal amounts. This was a totally different approach compared to the idea that concentrated amounts of the substance of 'talent' yield more talent then small amounts... This idea could not possibly work according to Schrödinger. He figured that because of the extended theory of relativity, e=mc^2, field theories and some other stuff, a higher amount of the substance talent suffers from inertia when attempting to be in the same place as a talented person that is on the move. In other words, The quantum talent blob CANNOT be at the precise place as the talented person when moving or accelerating.

This theory was originally backed by the scientific community using some of the following empirical observations:

• When driving a car, a person talented in knitting is clearly less talented in knitting then when observed knitting in a rockin chair. (This theory is still being tested.)
• A talented soccer team traveling in an airplane loses almost all ability to play soccer. (Trace amounts have been discovered though and are currently being kept alive in sub-zero chambers in area 52.)
• When trowing Ray Mears from a high cliff his talent level for survival seems to approach zero in direct relation to his air speed velocity.

Schrödinger set up two experiments that proved that 'Talent' is not a concentrated quantum blob but is, in fact, equally distributed throuhghout space.

Experiment 1 :. The running manly-men problem.

Two runners- one of which is a talented knitter and one is not- chase each other.
When the talented knitter runs in front and is knitting at the same time
we can observe that his knitting talent is reduced by an significant amount.
With the talent quantum blob theory this would mean that runner 1's talent
is trailing the runner with some distance due to inertia.
If we now observe Runner 2 (with no talent for knitting) running closely
behind runner 1, we can, after careful observation, safely state that he 
does NOT acquire some of runner 1's knitting talent. 
It does not "rub off" on him.

Of course it follows that if the untalented runner runs in front , talented runner does not get worse because of running in some kind of 'under-talent' field .

Experiment 2 :. Lets try it on cats ( again ).

Two cats in two boxes in a huge centrifuge are placed right behind each other.
The trailing box has a canister of poison that is triggered by the
possible decay of a nucleus of an atom.
The front box has no such device and the cat within that box
has therefore been attributed the talent of surviving another sick
Schrödinger experiment. According to talent quantum blob theory
the talented cats talent field in box one should extend to box 2
and dramatically heighten the chance for survival for cat 2.
After running this experiment with the centrifuge at mach 7
for a solid hour the result was as follows.
Both cats where totally dead and, in fact, not recognizable as cats,
Instead resembling something that looks more like haggis.

Based on these experiments- Well, at least on the first- Schrödinger proved that the conventional way of thinking about talent was flawed and he proposed that talented people have some kind of talent particle receptor in their body that is in a larger talent-region than normal 'non-talented' people. The scientific community agreed with this hypothesis and subsequently tarred and feathered Schrödinger and dragged him through Vienna behind a ( very talented ) donkey whilst being nailed to a giant wooden cross. Indeed the community was not amused with the prospect of having to do all that talent research again to figure something out they didn't care about that much anyway.

Now this science stuff is, in itself of course, all so frightfully fucking interesting but, obviously, also so very very fucking flawed when one looks upon the matter with half a braincell. If you still believe that talent is made up of some element from the periodic table or quantum parts you are, first of all bat fuck insane and secondly not very talented in chemistry and physics .

Other people believe that talent is just a matter of working hard, training, not giving up and mental discipline. The people who uphold this idea are , per definition , totally useless fuckwads. If you happen to believe this kind of unbased bullshit then you are very very very untalented in understanding real life.

There are some people that seriously believe that any talent is God-given. While you might believe these carbon waste lifeforms may possess the lowest talent count one could possibly measure, this is surprisingly the complete opposite. These rare ( and often dangerous ) people have the talents of Being a total twat in the name of any made up Deity for some stupid reason or another. A talent that most of us sane people can't really seem to get the hang of.

To this day the controversial debate on the substance and properties of talent rages on, but a new method of detecting the presence of talent is viewed as highly accurate. For instance:

knowing or not knowing if you have talent corrolates directly to 
if you know that you don't know what talent is or if you don't know what talent is.

In the latter case you might as well give up because you have no talent at all, otherwise you may still not possess talent but it is not impossible for you to have talent. If this is the case then

If you know that you do not know what talent is and want to know what talent is 
in order to be able to detect talent within yourself, you don't have any talent.

If this applies to you then stop looking for talent, you failed that. You should get a simple job, not think to much and stay out of my way. If, on the other hand, this has nothing to do with you the chances of you actually possessing talent is increased by a hugh amount. Now that you have a rough 50% chance of possessing some sort of talent you simply have to figure out what it is ( which in itself is a talent on its own ). And I sure do hope that it is something useful for Sophias sake.

Science

Talent is a hormone found in the body which causes numerous effects. People with dangerously low levels of talent find it very hard to be liked in any way. Famous people with talent defiencies include:

• The idiot who thought up the idea of Uncyclopedia

People with talent defiencies can still live almost full and happy lives, some making they way into the entertainment industry. The biggest problem associated with TD is the lack of knowledge that no one likes you.

Despite it's useful properties of causing wealth, popularity and general life satisfaction, dangerously high levels of talent cause premature death. Cases of this include:

• Elvis Presley

• Jimi Hendrix

• Kurt Cobain

• John Lennon

• Marilyn Monroe

• Jesus

An equation to illustrate this: Life length = Normal life expectancy - Talent levels. Although there is no proof for this, it has become clear that the ageing population appear to be getting less likable, and the few more likeable people keep dying young.

History

A Nazi-created rabbit acting as Hitler

Talent was first discovered by Saint Chuck Norris in 1778 whilst trying to find a cure for cancer. After extracting samples, he injecting doses into badgers, one of which went on to become Bill Oddie. For this breakthrough, Saint Chuck was granted the Nobel Prize for Medicine and another for tap-dancing the following year.

It was later used by the Nazis in WWII through the process of sending talent fuelled rabbits through pipes going from trench to trench. The rabbits would attack the British forces using a combination of charisma, musical prowess and acting ability. This was not well thought out, as the rabbits died prematurely as keeping in with equation (see Science).

Falsley recognized cases of Talent

The Following people have been falsley recognized as having so-called "talent". If you see or know anyone on this list, they are to be eliminated immediately for public safety reasons.

• Stephenie Meyer
• The fags who made Runescape
• All the actors from Caddyshack 2
• Justin Bieber
• Justin Bieber's Manager
• Joe "I Am Gay" Jonas, Kevin "The Other One" Jonas, and Nick "I Have Diabetes So Please Feel Bad For Me" Jonas, the infamous Jonass brothers
• Nickleback
• Kidz Bop kidz
• Hannah Montanna/Miley Cyrus
• Whoever made Disaster Movie... how did that even get into theaters?
• About half of the American Idol winners
• Paris Hilton
• All of Twilight's actors
• Bob Saget
• Usher
• Lil Wayne

See Also

• Brian Scalabrine
• Brian Cardinal
• Kwame Brown