Dogs
Dogs (or "Good baby!, good boy"), are friends not food (take note Korean readers). As the reigning, dominant species on Earth (manifested by their uncanny ability to force humans to pick up their biological leavings from the street while the dog supervises!) they enslave humans by making them willingly buy expensive 60-lb. bags of designer food, spend a fortune on cookie treats shaped like poodles and mailmen,[1], and then pay out-of-pocket again for the dogs costly health care needs.
Dogs bark real loud right next to your ear just because they see another dog walking by - something they've seen thousands of times before! They force humans to take them out for walks during thunderstorms and gale winds. And on top of all this, their human slaves leave the dog's home every morning to work a job while the dog spends his day chewing shoes, drinking from the toilet, licking his balls, humping the slave's wife while she sleeps, and pissing on the slave's stuff in-between enjoying numerous naps on the couch.
To do all of this, dogs have stealthy evolved hardcore psychological manipulation traits designed to control their primate puppets. Using Darwinian tricks of body language - especially the crucial development of eyebrows which make them appear forlorn and/or cute - dogs have captured the high-ground on the "Survival of the Fittest" pyramid.
Who Let The Dogs Out?
Despite popular sentiment and trite birthday cards, a dog is man's worst enemy.
All dogs, great and small, would not hesitate for an instant to savagely kill their owners, tear off their lifeless head, and shit down their neck. They would eat their owners children and fuck their women.[2] Luckily for the domesticated great apes, dogs restrain themselves in most cases, because attacking their human usually means the end of leg-humping, meaty table scraps, and a warm house with kibble, cold water, and sausages.
Attacking their human and the neighbor kids can also result in being hit in the head with a rolled-up newspaper and/or death by lethal injection, so they wisely back off. Dogs are definitely not as stupid as they look.
Puppies
When young dogs (or "puppies", as they are sometimes mockingly referred to) are brought together in groups of seven or more and placed in a blanketed cardboard box, they create happiness in female primates and small children, who enjoy being licked in the face despite the fact that the pups have been eating their own shit and licking their genitalia. Though all the puppies in the soft nest are cute, they cannot be trained away from their natural killer instinct, and only two or three emerge from the cardboard box to roam free.
Redeemable Uses
Studies have shown that dogs have several redeemable uses. This might be the reason why people acquire the animal as a "pet", ignoring the warnings found on this site. The following is a list containing the most common ways to make use of dogs:
- Guard dogs. It's one of the two most common reasons women want a dog. If a bad guy knows there's a big dog in the house he's more inclined to rob and accidentally kill the dogless neighbor. This is fine with you, and the dog gets rewarded when you find out about the carnage next door. Good dog, good baby!
- Chases squirrels. This gives you hours of viewing enjoyment, especially when the squirrel falls out of a tree and has to scramble.
- Guide dogs for the deaf. It's considered a useful waste of time to try to teach dogs sign language so they can be of some minor use to deaf people. This attempt was captured in the children's film "Run Old Lady! Lassie's Gone Rabid!":
- "Hey dad!! Look it's Lassie. I think she's trying to tell us something. What's she saying, Dad?"
- "Looks kinda like "Woof!" to me, son."
Little Known Dog-Related Hazards
Should you somehow end up with a dog it's important to know the common hazards of dogcare. Though they are many, and difficult to grasp, it might result in much pain for both you and your pet should they be ignored.
Doggable
Dogxidising
Dogsplosive
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Dogxic
Dogorrosive |
Dogs: Different Types, Different Levels of Fame
There are literally dozens of different kinds of dogs. Man has been playing Dr. Frankenstein with the size, shape and temperament of the wolf for centuries, for no appreciable reason other than to prove that they can. Here is a comprehensive list of breeds, complete with an informative and enlightening summary of the dog's most salient characteristics.
Types of Dogs
Stupid Dogs
- Poodles - Poodles, widely maligned for the aggressivness of the breed, are merely insanely happy yet stubborn dogs. Plus, most poodles are simply gay. However do take care, as standard poodles which aren't into hair curlers and pompom tails will easily have your arm off instead.
- Dalmatians - Dalmatians are actually very bright dogs *cough*cough* (one's watching me, so I have to play it cool). As such, they enjoy a wide range of activities, including discussing the works of Shakespeare in bark, setting political rivals running with bones, and obtaining crude enjoyment from chasing a ball. Yet like all other dogs, they are not above eating grass, rolling in shit, and either licking their genitalia or having their genitalia licked by their willing owners (it's still watching me, so I have to pretend to enjoy the licking. The taste is kind of punguent, don't you think?).
- Samoyed - Large, fluffy, and white, this dog is actually a polar bear in a clever dog disguise. Unfortunately, most of them are too stupid to realize this, and spend their time slobbering and making fun of Huskies, whom they claim are "Girlie Dogs." Their owners wonder why they like to chase seals.
- Pitbullshit Terrier - A cross breed between Bull Terriers and Politicians, known for a loud bark and tiny brain, and for eating its own feces and calling it golden.
Moderately Clever Dogs
- German Shepherd - Otherwise known as Inspector Rex, it's a qualified detective dog with the added talent of barking in German with an Austrian accent. Can be used to herd things around the yard, if you're into that, or just like watching.
- St. Bernard - It can bring you drinks but has trouble with the pretzels.
- Pekingese - Bred for their powers in oratory, as well as their compact microwavable size.
- Tamagotchi - Required for witty dinner-party repartee and social eloquence.
- Bulldog - Knows enough to keep out of the rain, but not enough to not eat its own sneezes.
- Huskies - Born to run, these dogs are useful for pulling sleighs in the snow.
Genius Dogs (by individual)
- Lassie - Comes home.
- The Littlest Hobo - Has no fixed address to come home to, but still manages to be Canada's Lassie equivilent.
- Toto - Knew about the shoe clicking thing all along, just liked the long walk.
Cats vs Dogs
Dogs love cats. True, very true. Often with a side-order of squirrel.
When the two species meet there are only three possible conclusions
- 1. The two animals ignore each other.
- 2. The dog attacks the cat and tears it to shreds.
- 3. The cat attacks the dog and tears it a few tiny holes, usually to the eyeball.
Some dogs just aren't worth the trouble
What dogs eat
Their own vomit and poop, often in profuse quantities.
Suicidal dogs know what they like, and they eat chocolate, a very unhealthy food for a canine. After chocolate consumption, they will first become temporarily energetic, then collapse into a stupor, and with a high enough dose they will never return from the crash! When you see man's best friend with the last crumbs of a entire chocolate cake hanging from its whiskers, you may want to take your dog to the taxidermist.
Other dogs. The cheaper brands of dog food in most developed countries contain the bodies of dogs and horses. In undeveloped countries, you don't want to know.
Can dogs laugh?
There is an honest debate in scientific and zoological circles surrounding the question "Do dogs have the ability to smile and laugh, or does the shape of their mouths and eyebrows just make them appear to be laughing?" Dogs on the scene of a railroad fatality do sound like they're laughing, and their zoologist friends laugh right along with them.
Are dogs clever?
Yes! Because a dog is just a wolf who shaved off his hair to make the other dogs horny. On the other hand, dogs lick there own balls and can effortlessly bark at nothing for hours.
Do you need to fight your dog?
Do you need to fight your dog? Has it challenged you one time too many?
Then read this "Very Qwick-to-Learn" HowTo!
References
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Featured version: 25 January 2014 |
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