Lassie

“Nothing wrecks an afternoon in the well with Oprah worse than Lassie”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lassie

“I'm better dog than Lassie”

~ Sirius Black on Lassie

Lassie was a famous male dog, that impersonated female dogs on American television from 1958-1974.He also lived alone in a cabinet by WVMS.He lived in Mr. Barchi's classroom with 2 kids named Jesus and Mary. Until the sex change operation, the show (which originated in England) was originally called Laddie. She delighted many an American family as she pulled Timmy out of the well each week. Timmy's mother, June Lockhart later tired of the Americana, and became Billy Mumy's mom of the future on Lost in Space. This was more fulfilling, as she could walk around in a tight space suit in front of the creepy Dr. Smith. The robot never tired of declaring "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER"! Billy Mumy later tired of danger and performed odd music in the group Barnes and Barnes, and is the best friend of Wild Man Fischer. NOTE: The original author of this article met Timmy (Jon Provost) in the early 90's. He was hanging out in small-town Missouri bars and passing out pictures of himself as an adult with a collie. He was very short, and wearing a plaid shirt. He seemed miffed when people called him Timmy.

Lassie's Start

Lassie got her, um, his start in a small acting troupe known as the Latin Acting Troup in London, England. Like all the members of the troupe Lassie changed his, um, her name because it was considered too sophisticated for North American TV and unpronounceable for English fans. Lassie's birth name was Canis domesticus lassicus. Other famous members of the troupe included:

• Flipper, formerly Phocoena phocoena flippus
• Gentle Ben, formerly Canis americanus benjaminus
• Rin Tin Tin, formerly Canis domesticus himmlericus (Lassie's distant German cousin)
• Mr. Ed, formerly Equus edwardus
• Lassie Dohsie, half sister and later to become the libretto for "Einstein on the Beach" by Philip Glass

All of these troupe mates went on to successful careers that evolved into the modern and profitable automated babysitting industry of the mid to late 20th century.

The Origins of Lassie

In late 2004, archaeologists in Beijing discovered a long-lost Lassie document written by the creators. According to this document, the show “Lassie” was a metaphor for American society. In the show, Lassie (the dog) always comes to the rescue of Timmy (the little boy) whenever he gets into any sort of trouble, and this seems like a simple idea. However, the creators of the show make it clear (in previously mentioned document) that the character “Timmy” is meant to symbolize “those damn pot-smoking hippies who need to get a haircut and a real job”. Whenever Timmy (the hippies) would get into trouble, Lassie (the red-blooded American working man) would have to go save him from the burning well. Therefore, the show, long considered to be a simple family program, was actually an angry social commentary based on the idea that hippies were destroying America. Which they were. Damn hippies.

Television Future Projects

In the fall of 2008, Lassie Inc. and Paramount have announce a new series starring this beloved Collie. To update it and make it more meaningful to current TV viewers, the old title of Lassie will be renamed Laddie.

Laddie will portray a hip, PC, correct Gay Collie, living with a 19 year old boy in Greenwich Village, NY. Laddie will following in the footsteps of previous TV transexual Collies and be played by a Bitch (female dog).

To keep expenses down, Paramount will use recycled Gilliagan Island scrips, for the first season.

Howeever in speculation to popular belief lassie came to earth as a comet with two tails of fire. This is derived from her being an "entity" of space and time granting her the status of omnipotent. This allows her to literally warp reality to her likeing and utelise the use of all her other powers from heat vision to radioactive fire breath. Currently in this day and age she harvests energy from passing cosmic storms to charge her death ray as a method of solving world hunger.

Lassie Joins a Labor Union

With the plethora of animal actors of the 1960s a new form of vermin spawned, animal rights unions. The first one was formed to "protect the rights of animal actors" but in reality it was their pay check they were after because these Activists were unable to find a real job. Thus was the beginning of People for the Exploitation of Talented Animals on TeleVision PETA-TV, Local 1, the first organized animal union. This group later spawned the splinter group PETA (group) that was inspired by their leader Mary Jane who was never satisified just watching animals on TV and realized that some of them looked better on the BBQ.

This orginization eventually unionized all of the animal actors. Over the following decade PETA-TV sucked the ambition and bank accounts of all of the animal actors dry resulting in their extinction. But then they built a doggie strip club.

Feud with Scrappy Doo

At some point in the 1970's, maybe earlier, or maybe later, the exact dates have never been pinpointed, Lassie became embroiled in a public feud with cartoon character Scrappy Doo. Hostilities broke out when it was revealed that Timmy kept getting trapped in the well because Scrappy kept sneaking onto the set and pushing him. Lassie, along with most of the free world, was already harboring a great deal of animosity toward Scrappy due to his irritating personality and moronic catch phrases, and this revelation brought things to a head. Lassie snuck onto the set where the Scooby and Scrappy Doo Show, far inferior to Scooby Doo Where Are You?, was filming armed with several varieties of pies, among them banana creme, peach chiffon and cow, and waited for his chance. When Scrappy delivered his line "Let me at'em. I'll splat 'em!" Lassie burst onto the scene and let him have it, reducing Scrappy to a pile of crumbs and whipped cream.