Krist Novoselic

“Dude, this article is not cool. He makes Croatia proud.”

~ Kurt Cobain on Krist Novoselic

If Krist Novoselic had existed, he would have looked like this.

Krist Novoselic (aka "That guy on the bass") was the fictional bassist for Nirvana. Fictional? You bet he is, "Novoselic" means "non-existent" in Croatian. He is generally assumed to have been an expert on taxidermy, a close friend of Boy George, and really really tall, depending on who you ask. They will all be lying, of course.

Krist Novoselic's inexistence has been confirmed by Dave Grohl, Nirvana's surviving member. There is no bass player, there was never a bass player, there was no such person, absolutely no such person.

Early Life

Krist was not born on a freezing night on top of Mt. McKinley to a family of elk - as popular myth states - as he was in fact never born at all. The first reported sighting of Novoselic is estimated to have occurred in the year 1542 in what would soon become Washington, but as native Americans are illiterate, nobody knows for sure. The myth of Krist Novoselic immediately spread, and has changed over the course of its spreading; some examples of said myth includes:

• That he is, in fact, the thirty-fifth incarnation of Papa Smurf.
• He was created by the CIA as a secret weapon, putting citizens to sleep when he speaks.
• If you say "Krist Novoselic" three times with a candy cane up your nose he will appear from nowhere.
• He DOES exist and has been reincarnated into the "bass player" for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
• He is probably a being living in the deepest darkest recesses of your mind, serving as a constant reminder that tall people should play bass because they look stupid holding guitars if they're really tall.

Nirvana

A photo allegedly taken during a sighting of Novoselic, submitted by cryptologist, Karl Stefanovic, later proven to be a hoax.

In 1985, while visiting Krist's younger brother's home, Kurt Cobain heard Krist listening to his copy of 1991's Nevermind and decided to start a band with him. After a few tries, they finally started Nirvana with some other members, recorded stuff, and got Dave Grohl. Then they went back in time and recorded Nevermind, so that Krist and Kurt could listen to it in the future, which in turn caused them to create Nirvana, at which point they went back in time and recorded Nevermind, so that they could listen to it in the future, and so forth. Novoselic eventually broke this paradox by travelling even further in time to found Nirvana, and recording the punk-metal album "Bleach" in 1989, which became Nirvana's debut, virtually unknown to posers.

Sightings

A hobo once claimed to see Krist Novoselic running in a local marathon. Further research concluded that the hobo was terminally insane as well as on acid. He eventually died when he slipped on a banana and fell down a well. It has also been claimed that Krist Novoselic was seen working in a Supermarket somewhere in England under the name of "James" and was employed for the sole purpose of being able to stock the top shelves on account of his Gigantism

Krist Novoselic has also been said to throw bass guitars at Dave Grohl, disfiguing his jaw. Grohl denies these events ever took place.