Crudites

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A platter of Crudites as one might purchase at a "Wegner's", if one were as fabulously wealthy as Dr. Oz is. Wikipedia tells us these are best served with a dip, such as Sen. Romney.

Crudites (crudités, for sticklers) (kroo-di-tays, or if you're Donald Trump, CRUD-ites) are a veggie platter. Everyone in America calls them veggie platters. Except U.S. Senate candidate Mehmet Oz (Öz, for sticklers). He calls them crudites. Oz's faux pas in the 2022 political campaign marked him as the most out-of-touch Republican since Mitt Romney, who in 2012 remarked about a touch-screen order pad at a Wawa store, proving he obviously didn't know anything about either electronics or commerce.

Background[edit]

Dr. Oz, fatefully, was schooled in his native Turkey and not confined to the 2000-word Basic English vocabulary used in American schools.

Inflation was raging in the United States in 2022. President Joe Biden had met every national crisis head-on — by issuing checks to voters for doing nothing, and to environmentalism activists to promise to keep everyone from doing anything. Trump, turned out of office in 2020, spent every waking moment plotting a comeback (or complaining that the 2020 vote was rigged), but that would have to wait until 2024. In the meantime, Trump had to remain relevant from MAGA-Lago. He made tons of recommendations on which candidates Republicans should nominate for the mid-term elections. Trump's record of endorsements was flawless, if one phrases the question correctly.

In Pennsylvania, several conventional GOP candidates in three-piece suits were duking it out, while Mehmet Oz started a vanity campaign. Oz's prior career had been dispensing medical advice on television. Trump saw parallels to his own experience hosting the reality show You're Fired! and picked Oz. "I call him my 'Wizard of Oz,'" Trump said. "The perfect candidate to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West — What's her name, again?" Oz was also an ethnic minority and a Muslim, giving Trump another chance to show there are no hard feelings from nine-eleven. He has dual citizenship in the U.S. and his native Turkey, and apparently dual residency in Pennsylvania and New Jersey, where his home is. Despite much tearing out of hair and appeals to Trump to "take it back," voters in the Pennsylvania Republican primary election made Dr. Oz their nominee.

2022 general election[edit]

Kudlow is not a patient of Dr. Oz; the septuagenarian's occasional aches and pains are ministered to by Dr. Who.

All the new Biden money sloshing around, combined with the suddenly fewer things for it to buy, freed Americans to bid up the price of everything they wanted. Gasoline shot up from $2.20 to $4 — then, during the Russian invasion of Ukraine, $5 and above. Dr. Oz would not have noticed that, though his chauffeur might. However, on August 15, dashing into a "Wegner's" supermarket for some crudites for a dinner party that night, Oz noticed with outrage that their price had already doubled.

Fellow Republican and fellow television expert Larry Kudlow explains. "Normally, when gas becomes expensive, the consumer has to cut back elsewhere. So the price of veggie platters might go down or sales might dry up entirely. But Joe Biden's guns-and-butter budget has become a gas-and-crudites budget!"

This is the front of a Wegman's supermarket. There are often "Wegner's" outlets around back, where Oz's fellow Turks sell food to the gullible at jacked-up prices.

Oz made a video of his outrage over the price increases in crudites, which had engulfed paté and truffles as well. The Democratic nominee, Lt. Governor John Fetterman, recovering from a stroke and re-learning how to assemble complete sentences, seized upon the issue of Oz being out-of-touch with the ordinary Pennsylvanian in the mines and oil patches that Fetterman would shut down.

Help from the experts[edit]

Oz sought advice from MAGA-Lago, and closeted with the handlers who had gotten Trump out of the flap over Covfefe. They decided to "run with it" and make the campaign a race to self-deprecate between prissy Oz and decrepit Fetterman. However, the staff was divided as to whether to position Oz as the less ridiculous candidate, or go "full self-deprecation" and land Oz in the Senate as the more absurd one.

Crudites T-shirts and paperweights became available for a small campaign donation. Commemorative items are available on the Uncyclopedia store. These outlets do not offer the crudites themselves. This would require a license from the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture, though it is able to mail certificates to New Jersey and to Turkey.