“I was just a poor boy..”
“..nobody loves me..”
“..Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!!!..”
Let you tell me who you are because I know who I am. I am he, the one and only Anthony Scaramucc- Scaramucc-. Can I do the fandango? I sure can, as I moved into the Trump Universe like a comet streaking across the sky. I showered sparks where ever and when ever. Like a Supernova, I briefly outshone the Big Orange Giant and then my time was done. I left on my accord. I am Anthony Scaramucci.
You see, I take care of myself. See me on television? You should have done. The New York mafia, Otherwise the Cuomo Brothers said I was a two bit political hoodlum in an expensive suit and hand crafted patent leather shoes. Yes, of course I am. I didn't need to be an actor to pretend to be a mafioso or be a real one. I could operate between the two worlds. And now I have made my name. You won't forget it's Anthony Scaramucci.
I am from Long Island. I have walked the beaches and tasted the high life. I have always been a Republican, a rare exotic animal in the Democratic Party wilderness that is New York. Even Donald Trump was once a Democrat, not they or he talks about that now. I stuck with the party that gave me how powered jobs in investment banking. I had no need to cheat to get money, it was given to me by Goldsacks for my investment work.
So I operated around people in the know. I am Anthony Scaramucci. The Mooch. I am a Republican but I like Democrats, the clever ones. Heck, unless you can play a good game of golf, don't bother getting into politics. It's where everything is done. And I had one Golden Rule. Stay on Donald Trump's good side. Yeah, the guy is a moron but I liked his wildness. He was, probablly still, an as yet unconvicted crook but he gives color to dull lives. You couldn't invent him, your imagination will never stretch that far.
But I said to myself, Anthony Scaramucci, go against the 'wisdom' of crowds. I did this in 2016. Everyone in New York thought it was going to be President Hillary Clinton. I said, no. She aint right and I was right! Trump would win. He did. I called him to congratulate. Trump asked me what I wanted in return, I said then....no Donald. Let you judge me on that and he did. He called me Tony. Only friends call me Tony. Donald was my friend. He put me on a committee to support him. No big deal but we got Trump out there.
So I watch Trump in action. Then I saw the people who came out to bat for him on television. Well, forget Fox News. Plenty of toadies for Trump there but what about the other pro-Liberal media. They wanted me to provide a Republican viewpoint. I said, sure, no problem. I am Anthony Scaramucci. I can do the fandango very very quickly for Trump. Hell, there was no competition from other Republicans unless you count Chris Christie waddling around. I could do any show you like.
I am now firmly Team Trump and then in 2017 he tells me Sean Spicer was losing it defending Trump as White House Front Stooge. By the end Spicer was hiding in the bushes to avoid journalists. I told Trump, I could do it. I had the confidence, I had the biggest balls. I am Anthony Scaramucci. The Masterly Mooch he aint no pooch. Trump loved it. Spicer got sacked in July 2017.
You know that Warren Beatty film, Reds? He was playing a journalist called John Reed who filed a story from Russia when the Bolsheviks took control. The book was titled The Ten Days That Shook The World. Well I had my Ten Days with Trump. I shook the world. With my flawless delivery and well groomed look, I was a million miles away from the shabby Spicer. I was the biggest star. Chief of Staff Rinsed Penis hated me from day 1. Well, probablly before that. You keeping up with me? I am Anthony Scaramucci. I am from Long Island. We talk fast and think faster.
When I was out there facing the press, I knew how to deal with them. If I didn't know the answer, I would ask one back. They didn't scare me. I got rave reviews. Even the New York Times said I was an A-lister in a team of Trump's otherwise garden collection of vegetables. But you know what? Yes, even I, Anthony Scaramucci screwed up. I got taped by a hack I thought was a friend, Lyin' Lizzard talking smack about Trump's political advisor Steve Bannon. I did see Rinced Penis..oh sorry, Reince Priebus..yeah, I want to keep this to the record. He got sacked by Trump. That made me smile. Then this stiff-backed general is brought in as the Chief of Staff, a grim faced reaper called John Kelly. I am sacked within days. I had lasted ten full days. Best time I had and I got a pay-off.
I should thank Jelly Kelly for that. He tried to tame Trump and got eaten. I knew you can't treat Trump like some wayward pussycat. He's an alpha male, orange haired gorilla. I had me time with Trump. What a great career boost.
You know what? As soon as I am out of the White House, I am back in with the media. They all want to talk to me. So I realised, there's no going back to Trump now. I better bitcoin my earnings now. I can appear on any show associated with the Democrats. My interviews. I can do the fandango and my suits have got sharper. You know, even now, if I called Trump, he would have me back there. I would say, Donnie, I know how your enemies work. I have lived amongst them, shared their tables. I may have said stuff you don't like but I can't be any worse than Lindsey Graham. Kiss the ring or kiss the ass is what I get as a message. We'll see. Sorry, I need to go now. I have said enough. I am Anthony Scaramucci. I will be back sooner than you think. Ok, now I am ready for the taped interview. As we agreed yes?
Oh by the way. If you want to receive a personalised message wishing you Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, celebrating your first marriage, I charge $60 per call at Cameo. It's a steal, my steal. Got the addy?