J.D. Vance

The name is J.D. Vance. At least today.

Republican Party Vice Presidential candidate for 2024 goes on-line to Uncyclopedia to talk about his background. He is currently a serving Senator for Ohio.

Jefferson Donald Vance here! My name combines two of our greatest presidents. Thomas Jefferson and Donald Trump. I am proud to have adopted these names as my own!

But...you were known until last week as James David Vance and before then as Washington Herbert Chesterfield.

You talking about a couch or me? I did not have sex with that couch! That's a big stinky poo lie put out by the Deep State. I was born as James David Bowman but my dad was a hillbilly who had come from a long line of family inbreedin'. That's why I honored my granny with her surname. Next question.

So what about Hamel?

Yes. That was a mistake. I sounded too German.

Tell us why you chose to go into politics and become a senator.

I was told to by God to save America from child avoiding cat women. Ohio was saved when I got elected. Now I am going to save America.

Sexy but a sad cat woman.

Like Halle Berry?

Before my time. We true Americans need to get breeding before the immigrant hordes out number us real native Americans.

So you 100% behind Donald Trump?

I am right behind the brilliant Donald. Our true president for the last eight years. If I had been Vice President instead of Mike Pence we wouldn't have had the nonsense of the so-called Joe Biden presidency. Now me and Donald are going to right that wrong and release the political prisoners.

Which ones?

Those patriots who entered the Congress to get everyone to reject the most corrupt election ever. They will be released and their names etched in pride on a large plaque. Their names will be as familar to us to those that signed the Declaration of Independence.

You sound quite radical.

I am patriot. We are going to have a Conservative revolution to undo the Liberal usurpation since 1932. I would go back further but that's a personal viewpoint.

Care to share where you think we should go back to?

Simple. No Federal Reserve and returning to the Gold Standard. Sound money.

What will you do if you lose in November?

Standby and step up.