United States Congress
|Part of a series on
|Politics of the United States
The United States Congress is a quarterly gathering of two rival groups of 11-year-olds that determines the fate of the United States for the next 3 months by quibbling over minute details, throwing spitballs and paper airplanes, and ridiculing the other group. This organization has somehow gained complete control over almost all aspects of American life. During major televised national events such as the State of the Union Address and lunch in the cafeteria, the kids are given assigned seats by the President of the United States in a vague attempt to discourage them from taking sides. The ones who misbehaved during session are given candy and ice cream and sent home until the next field trip to Washington, D.C.
The stated intention of the Congress was to bring peace to the newly formed land of America. It was originally named the United States Progress but seeing the original results, the Founders replaced pro with con.
The original membership consisted of 6 people; Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Charles Manson, King George III, George Harrison, J. T. Ripper, and Bear Grylls. They met one day in a bar on the border of Canada and Mexico and then proceeded to make history. They did not gain official recognition by the government or the public for several years, until the establishment of the Constitution of the United States. As the name implies, Congress' intended purpose is to oppose Progress. Oh and to borrow money. That body has been admirably successful at both tasks.
Major Events through History
After gaining power and prestige (not to mention total control) through the Constitution, they decided to expand their power base through utilising an aura of mysticism and elitist attitude. (See Membership).
- After the Constitution, they created the Total Power Act, which declared that every major act by the new government must be ratified by them during the next appropriate meeting.
- They also crafted the Historic Preservation Act, which states that they have final control over all content in history books and public school lunches.
- A particularly sinister bill was the Bill for the Promotion and Protection of Idiots, which clearly delineated the maximum education that any person may attain, as well as outlining punishments for huffing too many kittens.
- Later they published the controversial Emancipation Proclamation which said that too many slaves were gaining freedom due to death, and made necromancy upon slave corpse mandatory, so that the slave can continue to serve its master even after death. Recently, the Austrian ex-terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, lobbied to remove this restriction on slaves, as he confused necromancy with necrophilia, his personal fetish. Can't blame that old chap, he too busy estahblishing his mahnhood to learn to speak die englische Sprache proper, you economic girly men.
- A later law disbanded the class system, meaning no more rich/poor people. Everybody is considered equal, and all wages are collected by the state and distributed evenly between all citizens.
Due to the recent election and raising power of the Liberator Obama, the United States Congress has been steadily losing power, first having the number of aspirants and hopefuls for membership sharply fall off, followed by the forced re-writing of the Constitution and major laws to be "more humane".
Now Congress is hunted by most of the American people, and all of the International Community for crimes against humanity, both current and historic, including singing karaoke off-key in public.
There is currently a 15 Million Zenny reward for information leading to the capture and conviction of any member or supporter of Congress.
How to Become a Member
Historically the US Congress protected itself by cultivating an aura of Mystery and elitist practices. They made it seem that to be a member of Congress was a privilege and the highest honour one could attain.
To become a member:
- First one must be convicted of crimes in at least 75% of the states in the Union and 50% of the Civilized World.
- One must be no less then 95 years of age.
- One must be a member in good standing of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy.
- One must have no fewer than twenty relatives who are either lawyers or judges.
- One must have killed at least as many people as populate the barren city of New York. One of those killings must have involved driving some unfortunate woman into the water and swimming away.
- One must be sponsored by at least half of the current members, but can not be supported by all of the current members.
- One must be quoted in his life of having said, "Let the good times roll!" at least once.
- Finally one must go through the Trial.
The Trial consists of several parts, each one determined by a current member. Traditionally there are 5 members, though there have been as few as 3 and as many as 7 members. The trials one must go through are:
- Trial of Personal Suffering. This is possibly the hardest of the trials, and must be performed once for each sponsor that the applicant currently enjoys. The applicant must kill a person they actually love for each instance of the trial. Several members have failed at this stage because they do not love that many people and had to commit suicide, since naturally they love themselves. Suicide is acceptable though, if it is for the final kill in the series, as it was in the case of Walt Disney
- Trial of Sadism. The applicant must cause personal suffering to each and every current government employee. This one many members do just for sport even after they gain membership.
- Trial of Impossibility. This trial is determined by all members who did not sponsor the applicant; they set the applicant to seemingly impossible (or actually impossible) tasks.
Successful completion of the trials grants membership.
Other things of Note
Congress has enjoyed both great powers and incredible longevity. The power seems to have been obtained through personal effort of each of the members themselves, though the longevity seems to be granted after they gain admittance. It is possible it is a secret only shared with members of this group.
Congress has no known ties to any of the groups, and has even been known to thwart the United Spades of Amerika at times, seemingly to be immune to its retribution. It is unknown whether Congress will prove as resistant to Bush's efforts.
Congress has been increasingly seen as outdated and unnecessary, as the Supreme Court ruled that it was the legislative branch of the United States and Congress only the advisors. This was made law in 1803 with the famous Mayberry vs Madison ruling.