UnNews:Ted Kennedy consults Mary Jo Kopechne

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19 January 2007

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Dike Bridge, spanning Poucha Pond, off Chappaquiddick Island, MA

CHAPPAQUIDDICK ISLAND, MA - Sen. Ted Kennedy often visits Poucha Pond, where, during his devil-may-care, besotted youth, he once swam, fully clothed, inside his automobile with his playmate of the moment and passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne.

Unfortunately for the young senator’s presidential aspirations, Kopechne was not as strong a swimmer as Kennedy was, and, trapped inside the submerged car for several hours with only a small, ever-dwindling air supply, she succumbed to asphyxiation after several hours while her date, having left the scene, took another dip, this time swimming to a hotel on nearby Martha’s Vineyard.

Later, at an inquest into Kopechne’s death, Kennedy wore a neck brace, as if it had been he, not his paramour, who’d been victimized by the incidents of the fateful night he and Kopechne had taken an early morning drive into the pond. His neck brace paid off handsomely, as he was given a suspended sentence of 30 days in jail for leaving the scene of a fatal accident and probation for his conscienceless behavior in failing to report the mishap for nine hours.

Although Kennedy’s youthful peccadillo cost him the presidency, it has weighed heavily on his mind, he claims. At times, he feels the presence of Kopechne, saying that her spirit haunts him. Before making political decisions and before voting on issues before the Senate, he often visits Poucha Pond to consult Kopechne. “She tells me how to vote,” the senator confided, “and I vote the opposite way.”

He owes much of his success as a senator, he said, to Kopechne’s death and subsequent advice. “She’s better than Dick Morris, because she’s never right, politically,” Kennedy said. “She's as big a loser in death as she was in life. By voting counter to her advice, I’m always right.”

Kennedy says he's "not worried about perdition."

The ghost of the young woman sometimes appears to the senator [1], dripping wet and “needing a complete makeover,” he acknowledged: “All those years in the grave have not helped her complexion, and she has terrible hair. The mold and mildew in her clothes and what’s left of her skin are not becoming, either.”

The ghost contends that Kennedy is headed for perdition, but the senator is not worried. “She’s never right about politics. Why should I assume she will be right about religion? I say my rosary and pay off the church. I have nothing to fear.”

Kennedy is hoping to raise funds to commission a statue of himself to commemorate his sacrifice of the presidency on Kopechne’s behalf. “It’s the least I can do for her,” he admitted. “After all, faithful floozy that she was, she gave her life for me.”

The statue makes sense, Kennedy said, because Kopechne’s ghost opposes it.

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