Bear Grylls

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Bear looking at you, measuring if your protein levels are worth killing for.

Bear Grylls, also known as Huggable Ted (born 1974, the middle of the Sahara desert) is an ex-SAS survivalist, open-minded gourmet, television personality, predatory animal, and vegetarians' nightmare. He currently lives in the Sahara South American Rainforest Pineapple under the Sea New York Penn Island North Pole with his spouse Gretsorsov Protteen.


No. You didn't see this.

While his mother was about 7 months pregnant with him, Bear Grylls (Born Survivor) overheard talk of a C-section between Mrs. Grylls, and her gynecologist. At the thought of this he realised the umbilical cord was a good source of protein and ate his way out of the womb. His mother obviously was badly injured in the process and so his dad, Mr. Grylls named him Bear as revenge; ergo: Bear Grylls, Born Survivor. His Mother was rushed to the hospital and had to have a mechanical heart put in place.

When Bear Grylls was only eight, his father and him were visiting the U.S. and Bear was arrested for eating someone's dog and he was forced to go the Death Camp. He spent only a month there, while he was there he learned how to survive in an extreme place. Bear learned most of his survival skills there, and was forced to resort to cannibalism for it was the only source of food[1], (this is how Bear can eat bugs and crap without a second thought). Bear escaped and then went back to Britain. Bear joined the SAS, but had to leave the service in 1994 after sustaining injuries following his attempt to eat an entire Bosnian Serb armored division armed with nothing but a stick (He actually killed them all but Bear wanted to skin their armor).

Bear became famous in 1998 when he became the youngest known person to climb to the moon without any hallucinogenics (a task declared "impossible", "dangerous", "mad" and "cold" by Sir Edmund Hillary). Grylls refuses to be acknowledged as the first person to climb to the moon as he claims he found a skeleton up there "clutching an ice pick". He later declared that the bones had come in handy for brewing-up a "nourishing broth". Nobody knows who the skeleton was. Perhaps it was this guy.

After he came back down from the moon he wrote a book about his experiences: It's Not Made Of Cheese - But It Tasted Good Anyway. The book went on to become a worst-seller.

Bear Grylls is a close relative of Gollum

In 2000, Grylls swam around the world, starting from Aberdeen in spring and arriving tired, exhausted and covered in barnacles in Liverpool in late autumn. He claims he survived by diving for giant squid[2], catching rainwater in his mouth during storms at sea and wrestling sharks to pass the time. All the time he had been swimming in the Pacific and Atlantic oceans he had recorded a video diary on a handcam. This footage was edited together to make the film For Fuck's Sake, Man! which was shown on Channel 4 in the UK in 2001.

Controversy wracked Grylls when it was revealed that many of his "survival" situations were about as dangerous as a trip to the local car wash, involving toust paths in the background, luxury bed and breakfasts, blueberry pancakes, and internet access. To prove himself to audiences yet again, Grylls hunted down and ate the rogue cameraman who betrayed him, declaring him to be "a great source of protein".

It is rumoured that Bear Grylls found Osama Bin Laden in an underground cave while burrowing for bat eggs in the Himalayan mountains. He was unsuccessful so ate Osama by killing him with the first bite in order to stop it wiggling on the way down. He was careful to save a piece of his beard as tinder. It is commonly know than in situations when he's afraid or he has something celebrate about, he drinks his own piss.

Relationship with SURVIVORMAN[edit]

While filming for their next episode, Les Stroud of "Survivorman" and Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" cross paths in the wilderness of Alaska. Here's what follows:
Bear: It's very important to stay as warm and rubbing animal feces on yourself is a good way to do this. *Hears Footsteps*

Les: Well hey, look who it is. Sh*tface himself, Bear Grylls...

Bear: Oh...Hello Les, get separated from you boy scout troop again. Did Discovery Channel actually give you a 2nd season?

Les: Yes they did. They had no choice. Your role is to be like the show WildBoyz, I have to be the show that teaches you to survive.

Bear: What, are you jealous that I'm stealing the spotlight?

Les: Yeah, I'm real jealous. I wish I had sh*t on my face and I wish that I used my own piss soaked shirt to keep cool, or drink water from elephant sh*t. COME ON GRYLLS, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!?


Les: Is that so. So normal people jump out of planes when the go camping in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Is that it? Normal people have camera crews following them as the go "deep into the jungle". Normal people choose to eat raw fish or jump into icy water on a glacier when they have a perfectly good fire? Face it, you're a joke. Your just a pretty face that goes hiking and films it!

Bear: You are jealous. Ratings are up on my show and besides, you couldn't cut it doing the extreme things I do. I climbed Everest at age 23, I was in the British SAS until I lost a fight to some babies, and I crossed the frozen North Atlantic in an inflatable boat just to name a few! You on the other hand are just a musician who likes camping!

Les: My music is boss just like my show is relevant. It's very easy to have to use a broken dirk bike to help you survive in the desert or suffer from rabbit starvation.

Bear: Oh, I forgot you were such a bad ass. I'm out of here. Go play your harmonica and fuck off.

Les: No, please stay. I'm about to do the segment where I teach my viewers how to deal with assbags in the wild.

Bear: Nice joke. You sounded convinced that people actually watch your show! Call me from your stupid satellite phone when you go prime time!...Jackass!

Les: you ever touched a penis

  • The two go the separate ways and Bear whispers something to the camera*

Bear: See that? That's a Giant Douchebag. Very dangerous creature it is. Verbal spar won't keep it away for long. What you really need... is to shit in his sleeping bag when he's not looking. And I will show you how it's done...

Television Work[edit]

How To Torture A Serb With A Stick (1994)

Bear Grylls: Born Nutter (2001)

Bear Grylls: Across The Sahara In My Pants (2002)

How To Cook Killer Whales with Bear Grylls (2003)

Alien & Predator: The New White Meats (2004)

How To Build A Synagogue In Tehran With Your Survivor Knife (2005)

How To Survive Glasgow City Centre On A Saturday Night (2006)

Bear Grylls vs Grizzly Bears (HBO pay per view special) (2007)

How To Survive Being Stranded In The Live Taping Of Oprah (2008)

Living In A Sewage Treatment Plant For A Month With Only A Salt Cellar (2009)

The Breakfast At This Hotel Is Substandard At Best. (2009)

Why are you doing that? (2010)

How to be a cockknocker and pay for it (GOD channel exclusive) (2011)

Internet survival: The series (TBA 2012)

Beverages to make with your own piss (TBA 2012)

"Surviving a night in Frankston with just a knife" (2011)


  1. Well, the only good source
  2. On one occasion, Grylls found his intended squid snatched by a hungry sperm whale. "It was one tough bastard", said Grylls, "but I soon taught it who was boss and only one of us had squid for tea that evening".