Elections in the United States

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“There is one thing worse than being elected US president. And that's being a communist”

~ Oscar Wilde on US Elections

Weither being elected to or leaving office, American politicians are often modest and respectful of their political opponents and critics.

Elections in the United States are often seen to be undemocratic, particularly with reference to Watergate and Bush II: this time it's personal but this is patently untrue.


Originating in Athens, when only white male citizens with no criminal record were able to vote, democracy had remained mostly intact to the day the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution. Unfortunately, a string of undemocratic moves, including the emancipation of slaves, women's suffrage (you can't have suffrage without rage!) and the assassinations of Presidents Washington and Clinton led to the tidy mess we have today.

One of President Bush's first moves as Governor of Texas was to restore the original spirit of democracy: only white males above a certain social level and with no convictions would be allowed to vote in his state. This resulted in the only right outcome: a win for Bush. He did, of course, had to bend rules in Florida, and then again in Ottowa, but this was only returning the system to an equilibrium it lost when women were allowed to vote.

The Electoral College[edit]

Little is known about this exclusive club, other than that it guards the Holy Grail and has included such folk as Leonardo da Vinci, Newton, and has even, on occasion, when no one else is nominated, been chaired by Oscar Wilde. It is thought to have its origins as a sect of the Knights Templar. The Church's official position is that the electoral college does not exist and that it does not hold a secret that would undermine the patriarchal nature of democracy. But then they would, wouldn't they?

Other Elections[edit]

There are of course no other elections. All others are a figment of the collective imaginations of entire nations, including their campaigns. This is why America goes to war: to colonize a nation and ensure its elections held to the same standard as do its own.

2007 Election Results[edit]

President Colin Wixted was re-elected by a very wide margin in the Republic of Atlasia

See also[edit]