Charles Manson

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Manson, seen here in his "ladies' man" days.

“Talk to Chuck!”

~ Dean Witter on Charles Manson

“The White Album sucked and you know it.”

~ John Lennon on Helter Skelter

“Best thing to happen to my career!”

~ Roman Polanski on Charles Manson

Charles "Chuck" Manson (born November 12th, 1934. Died November 19th, 2017) was a noted self-made billionaire, philanthropist, social activist, and all-round nice guy. He was believed by many to possess satanic mind control powers, mostly because he was followed around by groups of women despite intense body odor that was described as "rotting fish carcasses stuffed into dirty old socks, dipped in kerosene, then lit on fire and hurled at incontinent midgets."

Charlie Manson while appearing on 21 Jump Street, Headshot courtesy of William Morris Talent Agency

Early Life[edit]

From birth, Manson's childhood was plagued by misfortune, molestation, and bad luck. But this didn't make him less awesome. Not only did his mother die during his difficult child birth but so did his father, his brothers and sisters and both sets of maternal and paternal grandparents. Less than a week later, a freak tornado wiped out a trailer park on the outskirts of Cleveland, killing all of his uncles, aunts, and cousins. This left young Charlie an orphan with no one to turn to ("no one to whom to turn", according to Winston Churchill, in his famous biography of Manson, Life of Sir Charles Manson, O.B.E..)

Despite the failure of Willy Wonka's lawyers to obtain a conviction, Charlie was sued by the Oompah Loompahs in civil court, who not only lost the case but were counter-sued by Charlie and allegedly lost a large percentage of the Chocolate Factory's stock as part of the settlement.

Before being acquitted and released, Manson managed to publish several books including: Marriage: how to make it work, Love her or leave her, 100 reasons she loves you, She Shines Like The Sun: poetry from the pen, and Poop: The Book.

Manson also released a tell-all autobiography entitled "Chuckie Manson: The Childhood of an American Boy." This biopic is considered one of the best in its kind, having engineered a cult sensation and a rethinking of what it means both to be an American boy and to be a celebrity murderer that was the standard until the emergence of O.J. Simpson.

William Wonka, et al. v. Charles Manson[edit]

This landmark case was distinguished not only by the decision of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to allow the relatives of the dead Oompah Loompahs to become co-plaintiffs, thereby transforming a simple personal injury case into a class action suit, nor the long awaited legal recognition of the Oompah Loompahs as citizens, but most notably by the surprise settlement reached by attorneys for both sides.

Terms of the Settlement[edit]

Manson's reaction after receiving the news that he'd be getting released and receiving a cushy job at the Chocolate Factory.

Although the settlement was sealed, due to Charles being a minor, several details became clear over the course of many years. Manson, ostensibly for purposes of restitution and reparation, went to work at the Chocolate Factory, but it soon became clear that Manson's relationship with the factory was more than that of an employee to employer.

The first indication of this was when Charlie was given a parking space closest to the front doors of the factory, right next to the parking space of William Wonka. The next indication was Charlie's promotion to Senior Vice President in charge of Product Development. Clearly, Charlie was being groomed for bigger things, and his relationship with Wonka was more that of a protege to a mentor. Or so it was thought, until the factory issued a press release indicating that Wonka was adopting Manson. Soon after being adopted, Charles developed a nasty habit of finger painting in blood, feces, mud and the nasty syphilis infected goop he obtained out of Ronald McDonald's mother's vagina after doing her in the ear. Manson often was seen haunting the forests of mount everest waiting to attack local bystanders sexually, oh, he was a right horny goat!!

Manson Leaves The Chocolate Factory: Education at Yale and Harvard[edit]

Upon reaching the age of maturity (18 in most states, unless you are a Slashdot user, in which case it is 39 or when you move out of your mom's basement, whichever comes first), Charles resigned from his position at the chocolate factory and enrolled at Yale University. It was here that he first met George W. Bush and John Kerry and was inducted into the shadowy Spoon and Fork Club, which taught him table manners.

Religious Conversion and the U.S. Supreme Court[edit]

Nigerian Chocolate Jesus impostor.

After Mr. Bush was elected president, Manson quietly lobbied his friend for an appointment to the Supreme Court. To win support from Justice Pat Robertson, Manson started his own televangelism ministry under the holy name Reverend Loveshade. Billy said that you shouldn't touch me!!! This program was aired on the Christian Broadcasting Network and was called "Helter Skelter: Chocolate Jesus." The program became an immediate hit with Chocolate Fundamentalists, and won Manson the nomination.

Six months later, he became the only Supreme Court Justice when he killed all the others while they were vacationing in New Orleans. He accomplished this by using his mystic powers to create a dark flood known as "Klondike Katrina," or "The Milk Chocolate Massacre."

Manson then went on to attend several courses in Scientology which at first he took to like a duck to water, however on learning about the Xenu story he quit stating his reason as "Those Scientology fucks are completely Dog Turd Doolalley and off their fucking rockers" and considering just how mentally fucked Manson was this has to be considered a compliment by Scientology standards.

Charles once thought about suicide one Christmas but was visited by an angel who showed him how wonderful terrible other people's lives would have been if he hadn't been a murderer and taken a different path. In the darker timeline, Manson invented rap music by combining his his love for violence, hypnotic speaking and mediocre musical ability, although if rap had been invented by a crazy racist white guy in the 60's the black panthers would have found the genre to enforce racist stereotypes and needless violence against minorities, and many of todays rappers wouldn't exist. Realizing that what had happened was for the best Manson gained a new outlook on life.


Charles Manson died when an asteroid hit his cell. It was done as a bet, apparently.

See also[edit]