Jerry Falwell

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“People have accused me of many things: racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, intolerance, anti-Darwinism and anti-homosexualism [sic]. Well, I tell those people that there was someone else who was accused of things...our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I rest my case.”

~ Jerry Falwell on himself

“Can you pass the cream Jerry?”

~ Tinky Winky on Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell, shown piously contemplating your imminent, unavoidable and eternal damnation.

Jerry Lamon Falwell, Sr. (August 11, 1933 – May 15, 2007) was an American fundamentalist Christian pastor and televangelist. He was the founding pastor of the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia in the Christian (big "C") nation of the United States of America. He founded Liberty University in 1971 and co-founded the Moral Majority in 1979.

Falwell led services at Thomas Road Baptist Church, a megachurch in Lynchburg, Virginia from 1956-2007. His Christ-centered leadership lead to the expansion of the church, with it eventually reaching gigachurch status, helped in no small part by the addition of a Putt-Putt for Jesus mini-golf course in 1961, a Christian-themed Holy Roller roller disco in 1977, and a Christian bookstore in 1984. He changed affiliations from the staunchly conservative Baptist Bible Fellowship International to the incredibly conservative Southern Baptist Convention after the BBFI failed to adequately condemn homosexuality, homosexuals, and the dirty things that the latter do to each other in public washrooms, nightclubs and Vermont, and ended his self-identification with fundamentalism in favor of evangelicalism, which has more things that are tax-exempt and the groupies have bigger hair.

Falwell's shift from fundamentalism to evangelicalism is said to have occurred in a roadside conversion, after he had his driver pull his limousine over to the side of the road so that he could berate a homeless man for being lazy. "When I was done verbally castrating the man," Falwell recounts in his book You've got a mote in your eye, America, "Fundamentally, I returned to the car, and over the roar of the A/C heard Paul of Tarsis tell me to take my fundamental fundamentalism on the road...and what better way to fundamentally spread the Good News that people who aren't exactly like me are all going to Hell than evangelicalism?"

Jerry Falwell opening a Republican Party fundraiser with a joke on the size and shape of his wife's rump. (Punchline: "The Aristocrats!")

Social and political views

Families

Falwell strongly advocated beliefs and practices he felt were taught by the Bible. He believed in the quintessential patriarchal family in which the man of the house is the man of the house, and as the man of the house brings home the bacon to the woman in the house, the housewife, who cooks up that bacon in the kitchen in the house for the man of the house. In her spare time, that is the time left over after taking care of the man of the house in his house where he is the man of the house eating the bacon that she cooked in the kitchen in the house where she cooks the bacon brought home to the house by the man of the house, she is expected to raise the children until they’re old enough to attend a Christian school, where they are taught the Truth™ that God made everything in six days., Darwinism is a dirty lie, terms like "secular humanism" and "liberal Christianity" are synonymous with "sin", and Paul said that Jesus said that they, the little men of the house and little women in the house, should be good little men of the house and good little women in the house until they're old enough to be the man of the house or the women in the house.

Jerry Falwell (foreground), shown pointing at a homosexual, while a framed photograph of Jerry Falwell (background, available from Falwell.com for $149.95), glares in disapproval at someone who is tolerating homosexuality.

The entire family was expected to play an active role in their local church on those days when their time wasn't filled with being the man of the house, the woman in the house, the little men of the house or the little women in the house. While there they were to believe without question everything that the Pastor said. While at home being men of the house, women in the house, little men of the house or little women in the house, they were to take the Bible literally, except for those parts that were parables. Parables were to be taken as literally as possible, given the non-literal nature of parables. In addition, they were to not take the allegorical Song of Solomon literally, as it is sexy, filthy and erotic if read in that manner. Indeed, each of its eight chapters is sexier, filthier and more erotic than the one before.

Falwell's Moral Majority was founded on four basic tenets: pro-family, pro-life, pro-defense and pro-Israel. These four tenets are all based on a literal reading of Scripture, that Scripture being the Bible, that Bible being the King James Version, that King James Version being in English, that English being American English, and that American English King James Version Biblical Scripture being literal.

Political views

A summation of Jerry Falwell's political views, taken from his book America: A History of Americans being American (1984), follows (emphasis added);

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In 1776 in the year of our Lord, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, the Pilgrims (good Protestants all) kicked the King of England, an Anglican (ick!), out of America because he was not American enough to be an American, and America is for Americans.

He went back to England with his tail between his legs, surrendering to George Washington after he dumped tea in Boston Harbor because tea is for homosexuals and Europeans, and Americans, being neither homosexual nor European, drink coffee. This had the double effect of winning the war against the foreign invaders and poisoning the Indians, who didn't keep copies of the Bible beside their beds, when they came down to wash there [sic] red skinned skin in the ocean.

"It's clear to me that Spongebob is trying to trick innocent children into being "tolerant". Everyone knows that "tolerance" leads to homosexuality."

After pushing the Limies and the Indians out of America the Americans, lead by Thomas Jefferson (a Christian) and his twelve apostles (Christians all), founded America based on Biblical Law, as it appears in the One True Bible™, the Bible, with particular focus on Exodus, Leviticus, Joshua and select passages from the Pauline Epistles.

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, stands for everything that America stands for: obedience to authority, military might, trickle-down economics, and killing commies.

---

Civil rights

He was against them.

Controversies

Homosexuality

Jerry Falwell believed that homosexuals are sinners who sin with other homosexuals, having homo-sex, which is sinful. In the Bible, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, says that homosexuals are wicked fornicators who are out to corrupt America (and the Americans within) with their sick homosexual homo-sex, forcing good heterosexual Christians into gay marriages before giving them "family planning" pamphlets from Planned Parenthood and subjecting them to mandatory abortions.

"Tinky Winky...is purple, the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle, the gay pride symbol. He is obviously a homosexual and is clearly trying to get me to play with the sinful bulge that I have in my trousers at this very minute."

While the good Pastor did not actively promote ostracizing homosexuals from American society, he did regularly tell his many followers that they should ostracize homosexuals from American society.

He backed up his bombastic rhetoric with both biblical passages and faith-based studies that prove homosexuals are all pedophiles that have AIDS and fill the Lord with wrath. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, being a loving God who loves the sinner but hates the sin, makes his wrath known by giving the homosexuals, who all have AIDS, AIDS. On other occasions, He (capital "H") lets Muslim terrorists fly planes into buildings that have homosexuals, people who tolerate homosexuality and homosexuals who tolerate homosexuality in them. The planes containing the Muslim terrorists probably also contain homosexuals, people who tolerate homosexuality and homosexuals who tolerate homosexuality, but only the Lord knows for sure.

September 11th

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'.”

~ Jerry Falwell on 9/11 (a real quote!!!)

After heavy criticism for the above speech, given during an appearance on the I'm Pat Robertson and I can leg-press 2,000 pounds! show, Falwell apologized, saying that he meant what he said and that he was not sorry that he said it.

A young Jerry Falwell, shown holding the book that God wrote, while giving a speech on the dangers of desegregation. He would later abandon his anti-nigger stance, exchanging that N-bomb for the nuclear kind during the Reagan administration.

After heavy criticism of the speech and the apology, Falwell apologized, saying that he meant what he said, he was not sorry that he said it, and that next time God would make it much worse, with bigger planes hitting larger buildings.

After heavy criticism of the speech, the first apology and the second apology, Falwell apologized, saying that he meant what he said, he was not sorry that he said it and that next time God would make it much, much worse, with bigger planes hitting larger buildings and He would give both the people in the planes and those in the buildings AIDS.

After heavy criticism of the speech, the first apology, the second apology and the third apology, Falwell apologized, saying that he meant what he said, he was not sorry that he said it, and that he was going to Heaven to get the Lord to jump-start the Rapture.

Being a man of his word, he promptly died five and a half years later, paving the way for the End of Days.

Death

Three days after his death (see above), followers of Jerry Falwell visited his tomb. While there they purchased copies of his autobiography, Jerry Falwell: The Jerry Falwell Story (with introduction by Jerry Falwell), from the Jerry Falwell Memorial Bookstore and, after playing a game of Whack a Mohel in the Jerry Falwell Memorial Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theatre, were stunned to witness him being lifted bodily up into Heaven.

After conferring with the risen Pastor, Jesus is expected to return to Earth to rid the world of homosexuals, once and for all.

External links

• Real Christians talk real truth about a real Christian, really
• Dinesh D'Souza on Jerry Falwell's passing: "A great man who never did anything bad ever and he was kind to children and he had a wonderful singing voice and he once helped a little old lady across the street...is gone, and Heaven has another angel."

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