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“WE SWEAR that we didn't steal this religion!”

~ Christians on Paganism

“Christmas tree was pagan?? Oh fuck...”

~ Christian parents on Christian Traditions

You'll never catch a Pagan without a drink in one hand and a woman in the other.

A Pagan is someone who is not of the civilised world. For Europeans (Europe being the birthplace of paganism) this means someone from a more Northern, colder place like Siberia, Scandinavia or Yorkshire. For Americans, this means someone who lives way out in the boonies (where nobody can see you dancing nude and arrest you for it), or someplace like New Orleans, where they fit in with the rest of the wild crowd. Paganism became popular in the 60's as a way for hippies to legally smoke pot for religious purposes.

Pagans are usually liberals, feminists, metrosexuals, environmentalists, and "nonconformists" as they pressure modern society to abandon Christianity or have it become more "liberal". Pagans worship anything that will help them get stoned, laid, or out of doing something productive. If it's devoid of any redeeming quality to conservatives, pagans turn it into a god and give it power.


Most pagans are are goths that never grew out of gothdom, work shitty service-sector jobs, deem themselves "intellectuals," and sit around playing D&D while whacked out of their skulls on whatever's at hand.

Paganism - an Overview

One of many pagan polytheistic pantheon goddesses autoerotically worshipped by pagans.

Paganism is a nice way to express your ethnic identity/weirdness (see also Irish, French, Germans, Scandinavians and Native Americans). Many members of the pagan community are anarchists who only want to build a temple of their gods in Stonehenge, or sacrifice virgins to Baal during the summer solstice. Paganism is a peaceful religion, as demonstrated by the pacificistic nature of that great Pagan civilization, the Roman Empire, which turned christian before it completely fell apart into ruins and brought about that wonderful period of time known as the Dark Ages. Pagans seek to emulate nature in it's peacefulness and kindness, as is evident with natural events such as Hurricane Katrina. Followers of Paganism are often called Druids, Wiccans, Witches, Evil Satan Worshipers and Smelly Hippies (must die!). The amount of different pagan branches and subdivisions are as abundant as christian churches, with typical pagans viewing themselves as members of a dis... ur.. I mean, unorganized faith. They may refer to themselves as Pagans, Heretics or just plain Communists, but it should be noted that the Nazis, Catholics and Atheists were also Pagans.

Keep in mind that atheists hate paganism more than any other religion. This is because of the fated Massacre of the Godless in the year 192. The Massacre of the Godless was atheism's discovery of the existence of pagans, and the realization that pagans worshiped not one, but multiple gods made every atheist on the world's head explode in sheer wanton incredulity. With the genocide of all atheists, Atheism disappeared for thousands of years until it was discovered again by legendary Atheist evangelist Billy Graham. Billy Graham and other atheists were able to survive with the burden of the existence of paganism because they had been living with it all along and because of a rigorous praying regimen to the God of Atheism. Thus they hate any form of paganism because it is 'their Hitler'. Atheists also hate Hitler... because everyone does. Because of this, drooling Christian and Islamic fanatics are currently plotting to commit another atheist genocide by unleashing a viral video on Youtube of a crazed Neo-Nazi Odin worshiper stomping on an atheist child's Kids-Get-Presents-Day gift.

Pagans Rock! But they roll much better, particularly off cliffs.

In England, Pagans peddle their wares through many internet fora, often trying to swell their incense smelling ranks by overplaying the importance of being at one with nature and talking to inanimate objects (such as rocks, trees and primary school children). The High Priestess of Twonk, one 'Celtic Queen' can often be seen parading around website such as that organized by the Times Educational Supplement wearing little more than plaited underarm hair and with small animal bones knitted into her unkempt pubic hair.

Druids and Druidism

Druids are well known for their affinity to all things Stonehenge, shiny, silver objects and heavy drug use. They often are tattooed with so many celtic symbols that they no longer need to wear clothing, but will still insist on wearing a Robe and carrying a wooden Staff which doubles as a pipe. They often are at one with nature and live in forests which limits their income to Foraging, Drug trafficking, telling Stories to Tourists for cash, and selling themselves for sexual services.

Little Known Fact! The Druids were the first peoples to use Unionized Labor. This explains the terrible performance regarding the Stonehenge.

Defining Features

Pagans are known for a number of defining traits, including:

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  • Goths\Emos, major divisions of Paganism.
  • Love of Metallica T-Shirts.
  • Love of t-shirts with romanticized pictures of wolves or eagles on them.
  • Love of silver (or silver plated) rings and necklaces.
  • Love of being nude (known as Bringing Down the Moon).
  • Love of crystals, gems and shiny things.
  • Excessive body hair.
  • Excessive body odour.
  • Wearing huge pentacles.
  • LARPing.
  • Obesity.
  • Strong Hatred for Christians because they killed, butchered, and otherwise murdered Pagans.
  • Male: Gay or metrosexual.
  • Female: Lesbian or feminist.

A few ways to anger a Pagan:

  • Invite them to a Church and surprise them with a conversion service.
  • Call them "Fluffy Bunny". They know what it means, you don't need to.
  • Touch their oogedy boogedy altar stuff.
  • Ask them if they are into Pregnant chicks, like the one "mother goddess" statute (a la Britney Spears) in the corner of their bedroom.
  • Tell them that your God, Kalinka, the Destroyer of Underwear is more powerful than their favourite deity (most likely a female).
  • Suggest they are posers how are doing it for attention. Always works but prepare to be horribly cursed.
  • Compare them to Hippies, Stoners, Feminists, Lesbians, Gays, Nazis, Commies, Atheists, Catholics, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists or Polytheistic Primitive African tribes or Injuns.
  • Native Americans dislike being called pagans, because they pray to a nature goddess instead of a great bearded white man.

Suggested Christmas/Yule Presents for Pagans

When all else fails, give them alcohol.

Types of Pagans

The Horny Old Goat

A common species. Usually has a goatee beard, is middle aged and will home in on any lone female. The Horny Old Goat is not known for being choosy - do not encourage his attention unless you aren't either. They tend to set themselves up as "Teachers" running after school sessions for young ladies to show them the right way to do magik innit.

They will given sufficient support from their peers attempt to attach themselves to just about anything in the scene to add veracity to their persona which upon examination will have one set of lies about who they worked with last year replaced with another and so on. This is a very effective mechanism for surviving intact in the pagan community for years.

"I was Crowley in another Life"

May also have a goatee beard and almost certainly wearing black. The Great Magickian can often be seen checking that he still has a reflection. If you engage him in conversation he will be delighted to tell you what is wrong with the event taking place. If you are young and attractive he may invite you for private lessons in The One True Way, or private readings of Leah Sublime . . . .. Be warned, he is talking out if his arcanum…

The Pagan Nerd

Usually wears T-shirts advertising some long-defunct pagan group or little-known folk band. The Pagan Nerd has an encyclopaedic knowledge of all things mythological and occult. But if he brags about the size of his Golden Bough, he is probably just talking about his occult library.

Pagan and Proud

Knowing he looks gorgeous, this species loves to go skyclad as a chance to show off his pumped-up body. Only date if you are more interested in his muscle than his mind. It is because of this chappee and the horny old goat that the HP'ess carries a blackthorn wand. With a few slaps , a bit of smarts and well directed they lose the pagan zeal and tend to get their act together.

Earth Mother's Boy

He knows his place, and it is at your feet in worship. Do not expect him to have thoughts of his own or act on his own initiative. When you are tired of him following you around like a lost puppy, you might at least get him to do the housework. This is what happens when you mix socialism with feminism and make it law – it goes beyond the metrosexual nancy boy – this beastie is an out and out coward, cannot be trusted, has never had to stand for anything let alone his own sense of honour. This species is becoming rarer in some locales being replaced by an ever increasing number of pagan Men – usually ex-services, or some manner of character building vocation where Earth Mother's Boy tends to get eaten alive in short, grotesque military fashion. As it should be with carnivores thinning out the lentil eating merry meeting ME suffering lowlifes that are Earth Mother's Boys, aka New Men.

Authors note: Ref Steve Biddulph material regards the contemporary backlash that New Men have caused and the resulting hate, violence, and abuse engendered into New Men against Women in particular that such emasculation causes. I bet feminism is kicking itself for that one where the blame lays squarely in their lap – you wanted geldings – that's exactly what you got.

The Media Whore

Applies to Male and Female. Need I say it: PictiWicca, Romani Wicca, Seax Wica, Klingon Wicca, Jewicca, Stregeria, Traditional Witchcraft, fairy Wicca, DruidCraft and Dianic Wicca (goddess worship).

These come in a number of flavours:

1) The Pseudo Academic – cites made up references, disproven theories, or obscure privately published works 2) The University of Life Academics. University doesn't teach them the realities of life (translates as dropped out) so they have forged ahead and made up their own stuff regardless of reality. 3) Just make it up as you go along – some mug will buy it.

All three flavours have one thing in common – the mighty dollar rules all. They are an astute entity that adapts quickly to market trends and prevailing conditions. Like all merchants – one step above untouchables – they'll sell out their own granny or any research entrusted to them for a penny. Their material is based on fantasy, conjecture, disproven material taken as fact that relies solely on force of numbers to gain veracity. The evolved media whore will also do lectures about the planet and in this state are extremely dangerous creatures as any fool gullible enough to take them in will be duped into believing that initiation they got for looking after the traveling media whore will make them a better human being/witch/druid/thelemite.

The Barrow Boy/Girl (Media whore subspecies)

Closely related to the media whore – rarely remotely pagan at heart – they see a market niche and exploit it to the maximum gain t minimum effort ratio. Thankfully for them the pagan community as a whole is none to bright so will buy reiki attunements online, or online initiations et al. Their particular brand of snake oil supports the media whores publications and will add to this with a plethora of assorted junk, crystals, hens teeth, rocking horse shit that make the free-perfect-now generation feel better about their pointless little lives.

Said beastie if enterprising enough will go to great lengths to build an empire via publications, pagan friendly magazines, Web sites,Forums, Quarterly balls etc usually catering to the under aged. Their stalls always the mainstay of any pagan event caontain the usual crap you'd expect, Indian incense holders, tarot cards, runes packs,Llewelyn publications andfew pits of metal being passed of as "Athames" or some such. Lets not forget the bits of drift wood lightly painted and dipped in glow dust that are "Wands" Caveat emptor.

Hard Gard's

The dogmatic underclass of "Old Pagans"™ . Incapable of thinking outside the meaningless rituals handed down and kept by their own hand of wrote. Tend to replay the same dry rituals year after year regardless of location, season, logic. Basically no different to middle classed Anglican Christians who also missed the point.

The Pagan Elder – See Media Whore.

This is the equivalent to a civil servant who's been in the game for decades, and because they are time served are not questioned when they habitually fuck up, get it wrong etc. Questioning them is heresy, sedition, and treason all in one. Their influence however is all encompassing, one word and todays white is tomorrows black, reality is put on hold, and habitual rapists are given a reprieve yet again.

The Chylde ov Kaos.

A sub species of the eternal sisters of suffering. Never to be seen in sunlight, ever to be clad in dark velvet, PVC, and leather. Heavily made up, and the world is out to get them, hates them, doesn't understand them. Aka Goths, Otherkin, Vampires, Werewolves. Tend to evolve into accountants and other entrepreneurial niches in society once they realise sunlight = friends = girlfriend = sex.

Our Eternal Sisters of Suffering

These poor dears are opwessed, I mean really really opwessed, more so than the 9 million weemoons murdered by the phallocentric warmongering meat eating Christians/muslims/ corporate feudalists bent on – you guessed it – opwessing their right to sit around on their arse all day – survive on invalidity benefits, unemployment insurance, their friends good will, and generally sponge off society as a whole because their life should be subsidised actually. You're oppressing them right now you know – you just don't know it – it's that Christian brainwashing stuff yeah ?

Daleks of the Goddess:

usually start life as an eternal sister of suffering then got a life and in typical projection of just how bloody stupid they were thinking the world was picking on them specifically, they decide to pick on the world instead. See "Earth Mother's Boy" for the minority token consort usually in attendance at their gatherings. This species directly descended from times when wimmin ran everything during the Celtic golden age. By divine right do they spread the good word with crystal and flame. Usually the stereotypical fashionabley gay bull dyke, man hating, and disparaging of the establishment, local phallocentric meat eating warmongering society blah blah blah and very good at making any of their issues everyone else's problem.

Hereditaries / Stregheria /New-Gwyddon

Failed at everything else they've tried and been booted out of. They don't need to provide any proof of what they are, and where they are from. Basically opportunistic liars. Tend to multitask as Barrow boys or media whores and always fall back on their Eternal Sisters of suffering persona when questioned, or have reality pointed out to them.

Traditionals / Family Traditionals

Failed at everything else they've tried and been booted out of. They don't need to provide any proof of what they are, and where they are from. Basically opportunistic liars. Tend to multitask as Barrow boys or media whores and always fall back on their Eternal Sisters of suffering persona when questioned, or have reality pointed out to them.


Failed at everything else they've tried and been booted out of. They don't need to provide any proof of what they are, and where they are from. Basically opportunistic liars. Tend to multitask as Barrow boys or media whores and always fall back on their Eternal Sisters of suffering persona when questioned, or have reality pointed out to them.

The Academic

Not pagans – just individuals who have pagan friends or who indulge pagan people as part of their research, who then realise this sort of escapism is fun, might help them get their leg over, and the parties are pretty cool too.

The Therapist:

Uses their professional qualifications to get sex, power, position, without actually applying any of their ability to reality let alone to getting results. These nihilists will argue the toss about the reality of God, archetypes, group minds, gestalts et al and never realise the magick works. On the contrary they will argue that magick is merely an illusion, results magick is something for children kidding themselves and never progress in any discipline in esoterica beyond the typical armchair pagan with no real and practical experience. Tend to also be included in the pagan Elders genre.

Closet Pagan

Usually solitary, has a large collection of both pagan and Christian or Muslim books, with the mainstream religious books in front for public display, and the pagan books in back, quietly to be read at night when nobody is looking. Frequently mistaken for a hoarder, since lots of other stuff is accumulated in order to camouflage their collection of pagan tools and supplies. Not known to be a good housekeeper, but goes to church regularly to keep up appearances. Does most rituals in closets, or outdoors late at night (when nobody else is around or awake) and never skyclad (lest their identity be revealed in a police arrest, or attention attracted by nosy neighbors). Lives with or is financially dependent on his/her parents. Usually eventually morphs into another pagan type or goes back into mainstream religion.

The Pagan Nymphette:

Exception – Temporary Pagan

Multiple Subspecies: Always destitute, always live in a zoo, always tend to shag like a sailor on leave. Always tend to have a great many talents. Usually tend to be naturals. They tend to be bright, intelligent, and usually evolve into something very worthwhile. Far too few of them. Tend to evolve into occultist and disappear underground leaving the stain of the word "Pagan" behind forever.

"Old" Men: Exception – Temporary Pagan

This is the opposite to the new man, once a mainstay in society as well as the craft and magic as a whole. Making a slow return in the face of feminist socialism, political correctness and ingrained /institutionalised Stupidity. Usually tradesmen, ex- military, somewhat laddish, a depth of character, courage, and honour is the core of their being. Sexual orientation is not relevant here. They embrace their maleness regardless. Far too few of them. Tend to evolve into occultist and disappear underground leaving the stain of the word "Pagan" behind forever.


Not pagan. Far too straight-forward, honest, honourable, and ready to thump someone for not being honest, honourable to ever be classed as "pagan". Or is racist. These have 2 factions, the first being the faction strong, honorable, kind,and have a great sense of humor. There is the white supremacist type, who give these people a bad name, are ALWAYS weak douchebags, and are beaten to the curb by the other type.

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