Catholicism

Catholicism, or adherence to the Mosteth Holyeth and Sacreeith Roman Catholic Church, So Sayeth His Holiness Pope Julius Maximus LCXXVIII and Everyone Else Who Cometh Beforeth Him and Anyone Else Who Cometheth Behindeth Him is the largest support group in the world. With over 1 billion members (of varying loyalties and intelligence levels) and with a support team of almost 400,000 super powered individuals, Catholicism, is the most exciting and vibrant club one can belong to. Over the years Catholicism has gained an almost religious following.

Catholicism is the one true version of Christianity. Many vocal supporters of the enemy disagree ardently with this notion: they are all wrong and going to burn in hell for eternity. Catholicism is widely considered to be the wide-screen, director's cut ~~DVD~~ Blu-Ray of religion.

History

9 out of 10 Catholic priests protest this article

Warning: Despite the Catholic Church's sincere efforts to ~~censor potentially damaging information~~ remove Satanic information from this webpage, it still remains tainted by the Devil. The Catholic Church is not liable for your extradition to Hell.

The Catholic Church is ~~a secret underground cult of~~ the church for ~~raving pedophiles that have hindered scientific advancements for centuries and have sex with the little boys that attend their churches.~~ good Christians who worship Jesus Christ.

The Crusades

The Crusades were an attempt by the Catholics to ~~bring the people in the Holy Land to submission by raping and pillaging, especially illiterate little boys.~~ take the holy land which was rightfully ~~The Jews~~ theirs. It didn't work because God did not feel that the people living there were ready for ~~having a priest molest them in a "most Holy Manner"~~ enlightenment. According to some theology teachers at ~~horrible~~ Catholic ~~propaganda brainwashing encampments~~ schools, the Crusades never happened.

The Children's Crusades were false memories planted by the Church of England. Do you have photographic or DNA evidence? That's right you don't, because it never happened.

The church is legendary at dealing with sci-fi problems, like time travel, or if a priest can continue preaching if their brain is transplanted into a woman or a soulless ape. It's certainly one way out of an unwanted pregnancy.

The New World

The Church was tired of paying Muslim sultanates and Mongolian khanates exorbitant silk road toll lane fees, seeing as the North Pole was too frozen to sail and it would be suicide to walk across the DMZ surrounding Santa's munitions factory, they decided to have explorers wander aimlessly across the Atlantic ocean hoping to find a backdoor into club Asia, but instead discovered an entirely new continent. It was a land full of people to fight wars with; whose idols they could melt down for their silver and gold even though God specifically told them they were to destroy any of it that had been worshiped, as they forced their children to mine up more; so that ultimately they could save these people's ~~rich~~ poor, devil worshiping souls with missions, and later with residential schools that would help them remember that their ancestors consented to all of this on their own accord, under no duress, in a way that would totally stand up in court today if you tried to pull the same stunt again to convert someone.

Luckily for the conquistadors when they moved in to their new home, 90% of their new indigenous American neighbors had already been killed off by the smallpox they had gotten them as a present, a clear thumbs up on global imperialism from God, the Catholic Church finally back on his good side, after last centuries Black Death had killed nearly a third of Europe, particularly those impure priests who handled the bodies of the infected, or those filthy faithful who had touched the sentient slime mold bacterial colony that had evolved in the baptismal font that had served the community as a bioreactor and cesspool for generations. Thankfully the Ottoman's had been nice enough to let them copy theirs answers for cannons and guns or else it would have really hard to colonize all those wacky Aztecs with only swords and arrows and ace God's poli-sci, engineering and geography finals. If only the Aztec's hadn't bathed regularly, and were more like their more civilized and pungent European invaders, than their immune systems might have been strong enough and they'd still be alive sacrificing people in sports fields.

Nuances

In comparison to mainstream Christianity, Catholicism is the belief that when Jesus was hung up by the wrists, it didn't matter. Some scientists theorize that this was due to the amount of insulin that he had to take in to prevent his massive diabetes problem. Eventually, Jesus woke up (much to the chagrin of his would-be oppressors The Jews), feeling rather woozy. and cold, because most of his insulin was taken by the guy who had stabbed him and traded for opium. Mark quotes Jesus as saying that next time Judas tells him to go for a walk in the garden, he'll bring some manna potions and his staff with a +20 damage enchant (fire damage) so he could roast those crosses and centurions.

Central Beliefs

The Pope

A protestant theologian ghetto.

Without the guiding light of His Holiness, Catholics consider themselves to be lost in a sea of dangerous information that might be used to bring about the Apocalypse of John. The Pope acts as the Mouthpiece of God, and occasionally as His TV remote control as well. To identify the Pope, look for the following:

A ~~silly~~ white dress being worn by an old man with a pointed hat.
A mutant pickup truck with a large derriere.
A lot of people surrounding the guy. This is pretty common whenever the Pope visits New York or West Lubbock, Texas, because people mistake him for Elvis. Don't ask me why.
A white ~~yarmulke~~ zucchetto.

Many jealous protestant theologians (John Calvin, Martin Luther, John Knox, Cotton Mather, John Wesley,William Tyndale, John Wycliffe, Huldreich Zwingli...) have equated the Pope with Satan or some other evil deity - this is only because the Pope gets to live in a huge, pimp ass palace filled with paintings and antique statues, while most theologians are forced to live in squalid manors. The Pope also has God's cell number, while most protestants only know of his e-mail address.

Unquestioned faith in the popes infallibility is essential. Unless it's one of those popes with a bad rap sheet like...

Papal contraception today. No more 'nephews' to help out with.

According to the church Moses was apparently in limbo because he was born before Jesus was around, however they let him and his cellmate Elijah out briefly for the transfiguration. Don't ask how that works or if he's still their, or your ass is gonna get excommunicated for being a wise guy or an uppity broad.

Pope Sylvester II who worshiped the Devil and was trained in the dark art of science by Muslims.
Pope Innocent III and Pope Gregory IX who considered abortion to be homicide only when the fetus forms.
Pope Benedict IX, who sold the papacy to his godfather for over 650 kg of gold to make his holy bling.
Pope Sergius III (897 to 911), who ordered the murder of another pope before fathering an illegitimate son who later became pope. His pontificate was known as the pornocracy, led by bitches like Theodora and her daughter Marozia.
Pope John XII, who in 963 was accused by his successor of ordaining a deacon in a stable, consecrating a 10-year-old boy as Bishop of Todi, converted the Lateran Palace into a brothel, raping female pilgrims in St. Peter's, stealing church offerings, drinking toasts to the Devil, and invoking the aid of the Greek gods when playing dice. He was kicked off the set of Real World Vatican city, but returned as pope when Otto left Rome, maiming and mutilating all who had opposed him and having sex with his sisters.
Pope Paul III, who believed to have poisoned his mother and niece, and took control of some 45,000 Roman prostitutes, taking a cut of their earnings with his papal pimp stick.
Pope Urban VI, who was Pope from 1378 to 1389 and was the first Pope of the Western Schism. After being elected he was prone to outbursts of rage. The cardinals who elected him than elected a new Pope in his place, so he took the name of Clement VII and started a second Papal court. The schism known as by three popes lasted forty years until they were all forced to abdicate.
Pope Leo X, of the Medici family who once spent 1/7 of his predecessors' reserves on a single ceremony.
Or Medici Pope Clement VII (1523–1534), whose power-politicking with France, Spain, and Germany got Rome sacked. He also made his illegitimate son ruler of Florence.
Pope Alexander VI, who by 1492 sired at least seven illegitimate children by his mistresses, and paid for them out of the church’s coffers. When low on cash he would sell the office of cardinal or steal from the rich he imprisoned on made up charges; like if Robin Hood and the sheriff were the same crook but gave to his kids.
Pope Julius III (1550-1555), who looted the papal coffers to renovate his mansion in Rome. He also had sex with little boys and his crib was decorated with statues and frescoes depicting kids humping.
Pope Gregory IX, who ordered the genocide of all black cats, which is why to this day all black cats are rare in Europe, thus making it difficult to be both a catholic and a cat-holic, unless your a cat racist.
Pope Pius XII who reigned during the holocaust. Though you know what, this list of atrocities is long enough already, so the church get's a free pass on not standing up to the Nazis. I mean, Nazi's are fucking scary and it's not like Hitler was raised catholic or any...oh, never mind.

Rituals

The numbers speak for themselves: more people choose Christ over Luth0r, prominent Protestant supervillain and Apostate #1.

“And God said unto Sebastian 'thou hath sinneth Sebastian, I shall curse thee and all thine descendants; here, taketh this tiny tasteless piece of bread, and it shal quencheth thine peckishness and absorb all thine saliva, sticking to the roof of thine mouth ... most annoyingly'. ”
~ The Bible on communion wafers

When attending one of the rituals of this group, you will find that they are actually being controlled. If you attend a full ceremony, at the very end they will give you a piece laced with some kind of addictive hallucinogenic drug that keeps a visitor coming back every week for more, for the essence of the Flat Jesus is impossible for most mortals to escape from.

Weekly Catholic rituals are not to be confused with excessively dogmatic behaviour (see below). This trait that most Catholics possess is a defense mechanism that serves to strengthen the people of God.

Dogma

Dogma is one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church. In order to get to Catholic Heaven (which beats Hindu Heaven hands down, but loses by a smidgin' to Muslim Heaven, and according to The Simpsons is way funnier, less judgmental, and drunker than Protestant Heaven) you must believe in dogma.

Here, in a nutshell, is the essence of Catholic dogma:

You must worship the torture implement used to murder your messiah.
Sex is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Money is bad and should make you feel guilty. Socialism is also bad though.
~~Altar boys are bad even though they make you feel good.~~

These two dogmas are the entire essence of the Catholic Church's teachings, and explains their position on everything from sex (it costs money) and abortion (it's from sex), and why you should put money in those little baskets they throw at you during Mass.

Dogma teaching.

From this dogma, the Catholic Church has the Catholic Catechism:

Pleasure is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Food is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Not eating food is bad and should make you feel guilty.
Being born is bad (called original sin) and should make you feel guilty.
Eating meat on Friday is bad and should make you feel guilty.
The Catholic Church is good and should make you feel ~~hounded~~ happy.

Modern theologians are in full agreement that if St. Paul had gotten laid, even by that Mary Magdalene skank, the Church today would be very different; with a lot more fun and less pay offs.

Mortal Sins

Catholics believe that if you die with a "Mortal Sin" on your soul, you go straight to hell.

There are several mortal sins:

Playing with the Eucharist
Playing with your self
Not cleansing yourself after you do the "Bad Touch"
Wearing a condom, especially in Africa
Failure to donate your money to the church, you selfish asshole
Making sex for fun
Making sex for money
Kitten Huffing^{[citation needed]}
Adoption
Miscarriage
Getting a divorce from your obese, violent, faithless, lazy waste of a spouse without a fucking permission slip signed by the Pope.
Listening to a woman in church.
Bringing the dead back to life, walking on water or transmuting water into wine, unless you are a church licensed miracle worker, otherwise it's witchcraft.
~~Child labor~~
~~Torture~~
~~Drug trafficking~~
~~Slavery~~
~~Shooting Vietkong children on behalf of the Catholic president of South Vietnam~~
~~Working in a factory that produces munitions that kill children, or industrial pollution that causes fatal birth defects.~~

Too late; you looked. Get your ass over to the confessional booth, sinner.

The Catholic Church's position on sex is very firm. To sum it up in a quick easy-to-remember sentence: you will get sent to hell if you have oral sex, anal sex, penis sex, vagina sex, phallis sex, vageena sex, premarital sex, sex with the steps in front of an altar, gay sex, finger sex, underwater sex, upside down sex, loud sex, sex with the lights on, sex on a pool table, protected sex, unprotected sex, semi-protected sex, or (AND MOST UNFORGIVABLY!) NAKED SEX. It's quite obvious that God prefers us never to have sex with anyone. Obviously, if he wanted us to procreate, he would just slap up some mudpies and make himself some more humans. Or, if he REALLY wanted children to be born, he would impregnate all the women himself, and thus, by this concise logic, it should be apparent that NO ONE should have sex EVER. Don't even try it.

Fortunately, private investors such as eDulgences are interested enough in your sins to absolve them for you!

Confession

It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you are sorry about it once a week. The confessional can best be summarized by the Catholic Church's motto:

“

It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission; that is, unless it's for killing someone who ain't a believer, sexually harassing children, and limiting scientific advancement.

”

Marriage

Marriage is a ~~blank check~~ sacred vow between one man and one woman. Rehabilitive marriage is a legally and socially shame absolving contract between a woman and her rapist. Gay marriage is a mortal sin worse than murder, that the church ~~non~~ violently eradicated from its ranks...although, Ancient Rome had a number of openly gay emperors and the Greek Orthodox Church did ceremonially recognize same sex friendships (Adelphopoiesis) up until the 14th century; these bromances were totally heterosexual and not heterodox: like Xena and Gabrielle.

Money

Roman garage band Catacomb Saints: taking Europe by Beeldenstorm.

Jesus was a big fan of the green. Before he was ever known as 'the king of rap' he was just an average joe. He was into wine making and had a drinking problem. Now, once he had a posse that would do things for him (via his bluff checks/leadership feat) he told them to go guilt people into giving him money so he could go to alchemy school and learn to turn lead into gold. Jesus knew how to get laid, if only the 12 twelve dorks he hung out with could have learned something from that.

Due to this conviction to the amassing of large amounts of wealth, Catholicism is now the wealthiest religion in the world, outstripping Scientology's net worth by at least several billion dollars. Since sale of indulgences has dropped to a scant 2% of total Catholic income, the slack has been picked up through aggressive merchandising of pieces of toast that look like Jesus.

Compared, for example, to Scientology's single mainstream Hollywood film, Catholicism has had numerous mainstream successes in the form of blockbuster films, including Constantine's Choice, Last Tango of the Christ, Revenge of the Christ, and The Matrix trilogy.

Sale of indulgences has largely been discontinued, although anti-Catholic conspiracists occasionally claim that the Catholic Church still has significant market share in numerous industries. This is clearly false.

Powering Up

Catholics believe in the mystical energy of Powering Up; specifically, Catholics believe in the existence of individuals who attain superpowers through faith and generous donations to Peter's Pence. These special individuals are known as saints, and they are widely worshiped as minor miracle workers when God happens to be on hold (a common occurrence on Friday and Saturday nights when he's busy answering the prayers of his other religions).

Saints are typically granted special approval from the Pope to rise to the rank of ghost. It is estimated that there are some 60,000,000 ghosts in the world today, many of whom belong to the Society of Jesus. Some of these figures of note are:

External links

Some Roman Catholic monks & nuns of course do know what to do with each other
*Here’s what a nun’s naughty bit looks like. Also features a monk with a hard on. This one works as desktop background but leaves a space.
*Here’s a monk and a nun almost naked. This one is the right shape for a desktop background.
Sporked from RationalWiki
Neither are copyrighted.