That Catholic Thing

“ God made man; He looked at his work and smiled contently. He then took from Adam a rib, and He used his powers to make a companion for him, named Eve. The Almighty that set to work making animals and lawyers. He then, however, had an idea - why not make something so outrageous, so unbelievable, so hypocritical, that everyone will believe it? He then made That Catholic Thing. ”

—Bible - Chapter 50, Verse 2.4, Cited source

Bible description of the making of That Catholic Thing

Although people claim being a priest is stressing work, they're a happy bunch really...

That Catholic Thing (commonly entitled WTF?) is a thing that no one really knows, yet everyone knows at the same time. It is used by many people, but especially priests to try and not get in trouble with the law. Although That Catholic Thing has been around since the dawn of time, it has only commonly been brought into play in the last 200 years, when Catholics have started to become sneaky bastards.

Who Can Use That Catholic Thing?

The easy answer is everybody, but that's vague and, quite frankly, plain wrong. Many people can't use That Catholic Thing as an excuse to get out of anything, so you need a list to see if you're eligible to use it, don't you?

Who can't use That Catholic Thing?

1. Blacks - they've had it hard for many years, but the Catholics still don't feel sorry for them. And since the Catholics blame the Protestants for racism/slavery, and the Protestants blame the Catholics for slavery/racism, not even will no one in these two warring Christian camps feel sorry for them, but if they could they'd be happy as clams to own slaves again. And practice racism. But they can't anymore, on advice of their public relations reps.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't!

2. Jews - the scapegoats of, well, everyone for the past few hundred years, Jews still can't vote in some countries. Oh and, also, they can't use That Catholic Thing. Shame. In addition, Catholics blame the Protestants, while the Protestants blame the Catholics for starting and using antisemitism no one will feel sorry for them (unless its about Israel, then both Protestants and Catholics will feel sorry for them).

3. Old people - although many priests are old, they don't like their fragile, powerless brethren (especially those who shit themselves).

4. Everyone else - they don't need a reason, they just need to not like them (expect for Catholics).

What Excuses do Priests Give?

When a person reaches priests age (around about 300), they can decide whether they want to be a priest or not. If they decide they do, they are given an A4 piece of orange paper, on which states the excuses given for any number of incidents. In this handy table, I will describe some to you:

Speeding	"Sorry Officer, I am running late for confession. You don't want God to hate you for stopping me, do you? And I'm Catholic."
Sexual Assault of a Minor	"It's not your daughter/son, what do you care? And I'm Catholic." "God wants this...He wants it so bad...and so do I! And I'm Catholic." "I'm only teaching her about the human body. That's no crime, is it? And I'm Catholic."
GBH or any assualt charges	"He was dissing God, I needed to show him what God's wrath is like! And I'm Catholic." "God wanted that sinner to get hurt, and show him the error of his ways. And I'm Catholic."
Caught in the Posession of Drugs	"God wants me to get high...It helps with my confession. And I'm Catholic."
Caught Stealing	"Yeah, God wants some CDs. He took all my money and told me that he wanted to listen to REM. Would could I do? And I'm Catholic." "Did I mention I'm Catholic?"

How Can You Stop This Terror?

Many people don't want this to continue - they have had enough of all these Catholics getting away with shit. There are now many people in your area that are part of the 'Neighbourhood Isn't God Great Anyway Schemes' (NIGGAS) which plan to end all this once and for all. Join up today at your local NIGGA's house.

Further Reading

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Michael Barrymore's Guide to Pool Parties by Michael Barrymore

The Catholic Race by The Pope.